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FEMALE COME BACKS
Man: Where have you been all my life? Woman: Hiding from you. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together |
The Dead Goldfish
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A heart warming story of a little girl and her dead goldfish! Not all E-mail has to be crude. Now and then it is good to have one that is just cute and sweet.
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That 93 years old guy has been playing golf everyday for the last 30 years and one day he comes home all mad and says to his wife that this he will never play golf ever again.
You've been playing each and every days for the last 30years, you love the game. Why do you want to quit playing all of a sudden? He says that he still love the game ent that he is still in a good enough shape to hit the ball pretty far but his eyesight his so bad that he does'nt see where ball is. You should take your cousin with you, his eyesight is perfect and he will tell you where your ball went says the wife. He is 102 years old and he does'nt play golf says the old guy. It maybe so but he is still in godd shape et like I said, his eyesight is perfect the wife says. That may not be a bad idea says the old golfer, I will ask him. The next day they are both on the first tee-off the 93 years old golfer explain to his cousin that all he has to do his look where the ball go and guide him there. Don't worry says the 102 years old cousin, my eyes are perfect. The golfer gets into position and hit the ball, he turn to his cousin and asked if he saw where the ball went. Sure respond the cousin, I told you my eyes are perfect! Good, so tell me where is my ball? I forgot! says the cousin ps: sorry for my English, we French all speak funny:o |
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NO I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU!!! |
What do you do if you break your arm in two places?
Don't go back to those places. |
lol i liked the simplicity of that one 3foot:)
I heard an amusing line on the radio today. Barry Cryer, a 73 year old british comedian: I've now replaced sex with food. In fact I just installed a mirror over the dining room table |
Sorry, I feel compelled to post more sketches from Man Stroke Woman......play these they're excellent.
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How to hug a baby.
This is simplistic and cute. I'ts too long to post all the photos. There are captions beside each one. Here is the link.
http://www.dnaco.net/~vogelke/pictur...to-hug-a-baby/ |
Cute sky.
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Dana - Yay Man Stroke Woman!
Although it's hit & miss from my perspective, and this selection does prove that, I like 1 and 3 Great to see Katy Carmichael (I think - Twist from Spaced) back on tv But 2... Um... misses the mark with me. Although I accept I may be in the minority - I'm a great map reader. |
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. |
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My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me. " I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. " And the moral of this story is... ...Always keep your condoms in your car. |
While President Bush was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, ‘Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.
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Lush, that made me laugh a lot *applauds* nice delivery btw.
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thanks merc
---------------------------------------------------- Is Your Jar Full? When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar......and the beer. A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "Yes." The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." When he had finished, there was a profound silence. Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the beer represented. The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers." |
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"Killing the Eel"
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her." "I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart." "I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath." "His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt." "About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot." "Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away." "When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to G~d and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake." "Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off." "All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again." "Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors -- lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel." "The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them." "After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh." "Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out." "Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again." "I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel." "I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet." His mother fainted |
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one, maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips..... He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly.... 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes and says: ) ) ) ) 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf' |
Hope this is not a dupe. I did a search and didn't find it.
Hu's on first: |
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?' 'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied. 'You've gotta be kiddin' me.' 'No, would you like to give it a try?' Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?' He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...' |
Man walks into the drugstore. Obviously embarrassed, he approaches the woman behind the pharmacy counter.
He says, “I, um, I’m going on a date tonight, and, ah… I need some...” He’s rescued by the pharmacist. She says, “And you need some protection, right?” “Yes!, thank you.” “Small, medium or large?” “Ah, medium?” “Ok, that will be $2.35, including tax.” “TACKS?! I thought these things stayed on by themselves!” |
Humorous bathroom signs. The last one is classic.
http://www.offbeatearth.com/unusual-bathroom-signs/ |
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Setters + Pointers |
Federal Rebate Check
The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate. If we spend it at Walmart, the money will go to China . If we spend it on gasoline, the money will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India . If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car, it will go to Japan . If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan . and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep the money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer and tattoos since these are the only products still produced in the USA . Thank you for your help and please support the US. |
Weed and beer could easily be produced overseas (to the extent that they're not already). (Anthony, form the Opie & Anthony Show, made a fake commercial that plays on the radio in the new Grand Theft Auto IV game. It's for Pisswasser, a German beer produced specially for export to the USA.)
And I'm sure they're working on the tattoos and hookers. |
from the looks of things in phoenix most of our hookers appear to be made in mexico or china.
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good one Shawnee.
--------------------------------------------------------------- I thought this was fun/funny. http://www.funnyhub.com/pictures/img...bed-sheets.jpg |
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> A father watched his young daughter playing in the
> garden. He smiled as He reflected on how sweet and > pure his little girl was. Tears formed in His eyes > as he thought about her seeing the wonders. > Suddenly she just Stopped and stared at the ground. > He went over to her to see what work Of God had > captured her attention. He noticed she was looking > at two Spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two > spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her > father replied. 'What do you call the spider on > top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her > father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy > Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart > soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent > question he Replied 'No dear. Both of them are > Daddy Longlegs.' The little girl, looking a little > puzzled, thought for a moment, then Took her foot > and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not > having any Of that broke-back mountain s**t in our > garden!' |
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent!" We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her every need. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're lying!!!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it. |
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and/or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. |
my next life
"Next Life"
by Woody Allen In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my case. |
Comments made in the year 1955…
“I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.” “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2000 will only buy a used one.” “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.” “Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?” “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.” “When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage” “Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.” “I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every new movie has either “hell” or “damn” in it. “I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.” “Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the president.” “I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.” “It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.” “It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.” “Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more; those Hollywoodstars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.” “I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.” “Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.” “The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.” “There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omahaanymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.” “No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.” “If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.” |
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"What the hell has Hoover got to do with it? Besides, I had a better year than he did." |
Warning: Home made joke and very bad pun ahead. Proceed at your own risk.
Long before he was an IT ninja, Big V long to go to sea and sail the ocean blue. Despite hours of practice and miles of rope, his knot tying was so poor that cub scouts would taunt him when their den mothers' backs were turned. Frustrated at his lack of skill with knots and rope, yet still yearning for the sea and a connection to it, he turned his hand to ship building. After a lengthy apprenticeship he launched his first ship which promptly sank in puget sound. Two old codgers watched as Big V walked away from the boat launch, downcast and determined to forget the ocean forever. "Good Morning." one of them said. "Go to hell!" was V's reply. "What's eatin' him?" one codger asked the other. "Don't mind him, his Barque is worse than his bight." |
Yoooooooo!!! Though I'd drop in and clutter up the forum with some innane humour!!!
ENJOY!!! Link is below this line for those that need a map. Baby Boomer's at Retirement |
Love it? I live it! Thanks Madman. :D
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MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD"
> > "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" > > "Yes. What can I do for you?" > > "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' > marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside > them logs, but he's hidin' it there." > > "Thank you very much for the call, sir." > > The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They > search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open > every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and > leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. > > "Hey Virgil! This here's Floyd...Did the Sheriff come?" > > "Yeah!" > > > "Did they chop your firewood?" > > "Yep!" > > > "Happy Birthday, buddy!" > > > (Rednecks know how to git-'ER-dun). |
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Very good Cloud!
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Three guys, a doctor, a lawyer and a biker were sitting in a bar, discussing wedding anniversaries.
The lawyer says " I'm buying my wife diamond necklace and a BMW. That way, if she doesn't like the necklace, she'll still see how much I love her." The doctor, sipping his scotch says "I'm buying my wife a cruise around the world, and a new house. If she doesn't like the cruise, the new house will demonstrate how deeply I love her." The biker puts down his beer and says "I'm getting my wife a new t-shirt and a dildo. Then, if she doesn't like the t-shirt, she can go fuck herself." |
I just got this by e-mail and I thought it was worth sharing.
One of the joys of being an educator Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays in order to have them published and sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the country. Recent winners: 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph. 13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 17. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 20. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. |
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Cajuns
Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon- to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up. One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling." No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, Boudreaux walks to the window, has a peek and in a Cajun accent asks, "Mai, cher, what're y'all sellin' in dare?" One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here." Without skipping a beat, Boudreaux says, "Well, I see y'all're doing damn good, you only got two left!" |
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find he was in the care of nuns in a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you out?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.' The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters, nuns are married to God.' The man replied, 'Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!' |
PART I:
The church in this small French town were in a quandry. The bell in their tower had been silent for many months; ever since the last bell ringer had passed away. Nobody applied for (or for that matter, even wanted) the job because the bell was too heavy for even the strongest men in town to move, much less ring. Then one day, a stranger came into town looking for work. He tried every store, shop and farm in town to no avail. It had been a hard life for him because he had been born without arms, which made it difficult to perform most of the simple tasks, let alone what it took to perform the manual labor most jobs required. When he saw the advertisement the church had posted for a bell ringer, knowing that he lacked the skills to do the job but being desperate, he went into the church to apply. The church officials were very sympathetic to his plight but doubtful he could do the job. When they started to explain to him that he was not right for the job, he assured them that he could and without waiting for them to respond, he ran up the tower. A few moments later, the officials, as well as the rest of the town, heard the bells ringing louder than they had ever rung before. The astonished church officials ran up the tower to witness how he was able to perform this amazing feat. When they got to the bell, they saw the man running towards the bell and slamming into it with his face!!! With each slam, the bells rang loud and clear as never before. So thrilled that they had finally found someone who could ring the bells, they actually applauded and yelled to him that he had indeed gotten the job! So happy was he that he wanted to ring the bell louder than it had ever been rung before. But as fate would have it, in his excitement, he missed the bell and fell from the tower to his death. His lifeless body lay there on the street below when some towns folk walk over to see who the poor man was. When one asked if anyone knew who he was, the reply was "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell". :-) PART II: Not long after the tragic death, the dead mans' identical twin brother came to town, intending to find work as well but with the same limitations as his brother. Though grieving over the death of his beloved brother, he was also desperate for work and went into the church where he was greeted with looks of astonishment from the church officials since they all believed that somehow, the man had survived the fall and was returning to work. They congratulated him on his good fortune and sent him to the tower to continue his work. The brother, finally understanding what had happened and desperate for work, simply let them believe that he was who they thought and ascended the tower to the bell. Not being as strong as his brother, he tried and tried to ring the bell with his face and time and time again, the bell remained silent. Fearing that he would soon be found out and lose his job, he gave it his best try. He walked all the way to the wall of the tower, lowered his head and ran as hard and fast as he could towards the bell. But fate stepped in again. He missed his footing and stumbled out the same window as his brother had earlier, landing not far from his brother's body. When the towns folk gather around them again, the question was asked "Now who is THIS man?" The reply from one of the people was, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for that other guy." |
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends, you don't know them". I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? Anyway, I have never approached her about this. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. Should I take it into the garage or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself? |
A lawyer has a client who pays him in cash. The bill is for fifteen hundred dollars and the guy counts out fifteen C notes. The lawyer gives him a receipt and the client leaves the office.
As the lawyer is recounting the money he notices that a couple of the hundreds, being brand new, are stuck together. The guy over paid him two hundred dollars. The lawyer looks at the money and thinks to himself: "Gee, I wonder if I should tell my partner?" |
I don't get the last two jokes.
Seriously. |
Pierce's joke depends on the discontinuity of the last phrase. You expect it to be more about his major issue with his wife, but instead it is about a relatively trivial matter with his car.
I have to admit that I don't find most jokes like this funny. But there was a variation on this flavor not long after the flood in New Orleans that had to do with Bush and a photographer. I thought that one was pretty good. foot^3's joke is a comment on the ethics, or lack thereof, in lawyers. The lawyer wouldn't dream of telling the client that he had overpaid -- and is not even sure he'll tell his partner. |
It's not funny if I have to explain it - Scott Adams
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True. But sometimes people still want to know why it was supposed to be funny. See Comics I Don't Understand, for instance.
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Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
His uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, “For Pete’s sake, Johnny, can’t you play something this damn dog doesn’t know?” |
Now that the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has finally said 'Sorry', the Aboriginal union is holding a meeting tomorrow to decide whether to end their 220 year strike and start working...
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Quote:
But believe me, I have an entire group of friends who make fun of me for thinking the elephant joke ("probably wasn't the same elephant") is uproariously funny. |
where is the elephant joke?
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