The Cellar - Humor...I Need Humor...

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Momdigr just got a bunch of those "lateral thinking" problems in email. This is the one I got right:

A man has had a long hard day. He cooks a small dinner, then goes upstairs, turns out the light, and goes to bed.

500 people died.

How come?

Answer: He lived in a lighthouse.:neutral:

Why was Helen Keller such a shitty driver?

Because she was a woman.

Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?

So you could read her lips.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gravdigr (Post 814422)

Attachment 39008

Step 3a. Put on rubber gloves!

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanaC (Post 813648)

Saw this on somebody's FB page:

Nice. Better than nice! My new mantra!

An organization and methods engineer submitted this report after visiting the Royal Festival Hall:

For considerable periods the four oboe players had nothing to do. Their numbers should be reduced, and the work spread more evenly over the whole of the concert, thus eliminating peaks of activity.

All the twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary multiplication. The staff of this section should be drastically cut; if a large volume of sound is required, it could be obtained by means of electronic amplifiers.

Much effort was absorbed in the playing of demisemiquavers. This seems to be an unnecessary refinement. It is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done it would be possible to use trainees and lower grade operatives more extensively.

There seems to be too much repetition of some musical passages. Scores should be drastically pruned. No useful purpose is served by repeating on the horns a passage which has already been handled by the strings. It is estimated that if all redundant passages were eliminated, the whole concert time of two hours could be reduced to twenty minutes, and there would be no need for an interval.

The Conductor agrees generally with these recommendations, but expresses the opinion that there might be some falling-off in box-office receipts. In that unlikely event it should be possible to close sections of the auditorium entirely, with a consequential saving of overhead expenses — lighting, attendants, etc.

If the worst came to the worst, the whole thing could be abandoned and the public could go to the Albert Hall instead.

They posted that bit on my absolute favorite random-fun-trivia-and-shit blog Futility Closet (An idler's miscellany of compendious amusements) the other day, Bruce. Love it.

Pulled this off there too. Apologies for uh not knowing how to superscript numbers on here.

Quote:

“Standards for inconsequential trivia,” offered by Philip A. Simpson in the NBS Standard, Jan. 1, 1970:

10^-15 bismols = 1 femto-bismol
10^-12 boos = 1 picoboo
1 boo^2 = 1 boo-boo
10^-18 boys = 1 attoboy
10^12 bulls = 1 terabull
10^1 cards = 1 decacards
10^-9 goats = 1 nanogoat
2 gorics = 1 paregoric
10^-3 ink machines = 1 millink machine
10^9 los = 1 gigalos
10^-1 mate = 1 decimate
10^-2 mentals = 1 centimental
10^-2 pedes = 1 centipede
10^6 phones = 1 megaphone
10^-6 phones = 1 microphone
10^12 pins = 1 terapin

Humor is the only appropriate place for this.

Quote:

Skrillex, a Gothic icon and Lesbian fashionista whose name is Latin for “Homosexual Satan Wasp”, is the biggest act in Dubstep today — a music genre founded on consuming massive amounts of drugs and having raucous pre-marital sex with numerous partners — and his winnings at the 2012 Grammys prove that his satanic presence will be felt for years to come. As long as Skrillex wins Grammys and is accepted by mainstream media, he will claim souls for Satan and molest our children through his perverse philosophy of futuristic devil machine music.

Skrillex is the inventor of “dubstep” whose sole purpose is to provide a “drop” — common youth terminology for procuring and snorting drugs. In addition, the rhythm patterns he employs in his “music” are known to cause seizures to certain people, which provides ample opportunity for other concert-goers to rape said afflicted person(s).

Skrillex, a known emosexual, was born Sonny Moore. He rose to fame with the satanic Rock ‘n roll band “From First To Last” (a band name that celebrates falling from God’s grace) and soon parlayed that success into something much more blasphemous; something that incorporates elements of Warhol-era rampant homosexuality and perversion, electronic “music” and lesbian-influenced haircuts. It is rumored that 1 in 3 women are raped at a Skrillex concert and forced to abort their children soon after.

Over 100% of homosexual gays listen to, or have listened to Skrillex in their life — mostly while participating in door-to-door recruitment for sex orgies or attempting to molest children in one of the patented “Rape Vans” used by the gay homo community.

In addition, Skrillex has launched a grotesque fashion trend, where upon weak-minded woman destroy their hallowed vessels of child birthing by SHAVING the side of their head — the same thing responsible for the downfall of Samson is being ENCOURAGED by this gnome-ish pervert. Skrillex will stop at nothing to get every teen in America hooked on dubstep and “ecstasy” (a potent street drug responsible for terrorism).

From this fool.

Bruce, bruce, bruce...
that's christwire, bruce.
Poe's law.

This really gives it away.

In that case, I'll check that one OFF my list.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ibram (Post 815859)

Bruce, bruce, bruce...
that's christwire, bruce.
Poe's law.

I told you it belongs in humor.

I just figured that if you were calling the author "this fool" you musta been missing something.

Two blonds were sipping their Starbuck's when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.
"Do what?" asked Blond #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."