Only needed them to carry your shit ??? Who delivered our beans and bullets ???? Answer the Squids .
Who toted us from place to place ?? the squids .
nothing more than grocery toteing bus drivers !!!!

We didn't even need them for security ???? Uh when I was in the way NORTH atlantic for year provideing security for navy outposts , it was VERRRRRRRRY evedent that you guys needed leading about by the hand when it came to security ,,,, just ask the crypto tech that shit his pants and burned up a whole row of code mechines just because he was hot and proped open a door . I poked my head in to see why the door was open , he spotted me and FREAKED .. Major shit over that incedent , BUT i was following orders , he cought the shit over that one .

Bell hops ???? Who was wearing the bell bottoms and upside down dog bowl 's ??????? Did you even have liberty cuffs on your blues ????

Oh and SYC , i guess you could say i was one of the crasy ones . But hey SOME body HAS to do it , and i was proud to serv my country .


Troubleshooter , just ragging on ya , nothing personal , not my fault you desided to join the squids , but hey we needed the drivers as we were to busy learning how to blow shit up "REAL GOOD !!!!!!"

^^^^^^^^^

What's funny is, I can incite flamewars between my marine and army friends in bars, too. They always get real pissed off, then drink a bunch and end up with their arms around each other's shoulders at the end of the night.

Makes me wish I had joined the service when I had the chance. They have this camaraderie us civilians can't fully comprehend. But at the time, I wanted to fly planes and my eyesight wouldn't allow it.

Of course, I found out later that nobody likes the pilots anyway, so I'd still be out of the loop. lol

Yeppers , we all rag on each other about what service each other joined , Its all good , its ALL part of it , but we ALL "sold our soul to the Devil for a while " .

Oh those Zoomie basterds have their own loop we grunts ain't allowed to assoiate with .

A twelve year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.
A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who's lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
She gently cradles the boy's head in her arms and whispers, "Do you need a priest?"
The boy moans, "How you can think of sex at a time like this?"

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations >>10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN !!!, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.

dont tut tut me i'm new

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps
out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then
wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Snopes says false on the lighthouse story! I knew I'd heard that one before. Snopes has the exact same text except that it's between an American and a Canadian and has a different date.

my apologies!

The original lighthouse humor
 

A communication between an Egyption and a Macedonian, communicating with signal fires:

Egyptian: Please divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision

Macedonian: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees north to avoid a collision.

Egyptian: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

Macedonian: This is the Captain of a Macedonian Navy warship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Egyptian: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Macedonian: This is the FLAGSHIP of the MACEDONIAN NAVY, carrying ALEXANDER son of Phillip. We've got a whole LOT of soldiers who are REALLY bored out of their minds, not to mention some REAL good archers, so YOU divert YOUR course.

Egyptians: This is Pharos. Your call.

Dude, that's just WRONG. Funny, but WRONG.:)

Am I the only one who thinks that's "Dude, Where's My Car" funny?:D

There's also Louis C.K.'s "Bad Jokes", a section of his website that he started when he realized how it's hard to write an intentionally bad joke.

- What do you call a dog that doesn't lick his balls?
-- A Dogsn't

- Why can't a soldier look wistfully at the ocean?
-- Because there's no gaze in the military.

See, they're BAD jokes.

- What should you use to write down that you just took a dump?
-- A number 2 pencil.

That's why I joined the Submarine Fleet.

Swift, silent, deadly.

And speaking of blowing shit up real good, that's why we carry
these

When you care enough to send the very best...

Edit: made the link work right

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed
him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings
along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to
the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure
if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull
the trigger!"

Here's one that registers on the ick-o-meter. For those of you who get the willies thinking of your parents doing it, pass this one up :D

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active!


10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-
burn."

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section
of the May issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Craft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."

Rome- An Italian physics student, Lino Missio, has invented
a condom that plays Brahms' Lullaby if it breaks during a
roll in the hay. If the condom ruptures, an
electrical impulse is created, triggering the musical
performance.

I'm not sure if that's scary or not.

In Heaven:
the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.

Don't apologize. It's a joke thread, not a current events class.:)

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.
So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The
trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten
days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and
beer. "Ok Les give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says
Les. "I thought you packed it." Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan,
"Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles
from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go
back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the
sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives
that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and
he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is
a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a
promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich
each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind
a rock and shouts........ ...............


"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

(p.s. thanx bruce :) )

um....yes

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when
one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't
know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast
into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into
the house, I sneak up the Stairs, I get undressed in
the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're
obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into
the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw
my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the
ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!" and she acts like
she's sound asleep.




A PRAYER....



Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.



AMEN

YIKES!!! Is there something you've done lately you need to get off your chest, lumberjim?

Can't be. Must be humor because Jinx is too smart, to warn him in advance, of a whoopass coming.;)

no wonder you score a 140 on the iq test, bruce.

yeah, if i did something that provoked physical revenge, not only would i not see it coming, but she'd make sure i was naked when it happened so that it hurt twice as bad.

Freud

A fellow goes to the train station and wants to buy a ticket to pittsburg but upon looking over the counter he sees a beautiful girl with huge tits and instead he says "I'd like a ticket to TITSberg". Upon saying this he becomes embarrassed and goes red.

A fellow standing along side starts to console him

He says "Its all right - I'm a psychologist and what has happened here is perfectly natural - Its what they call a Freudian slip - Freud postulates that we think about sex a thousand times a day and when we see it in front of us, sometimes we make these small slips of the tongue - here - I will give you an example - The other day I was sitting on my porch having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say to her 'Excuse me dear, can you pass the sugar over here please' but when I looked at my wife I opened my mouth and said 'You fat ugly slut, you've ruined my fucking life'."

A woman standing in the check out line at the grocery store places


a half-gallon of 2% milk,


a dozen eggs,


a quart of orange juice,


a head of romaine lettuce,


a 2 lb. can of coffee,


and a 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.


She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Out in the Wild West, Jesse James's gang forces a train to stop, and Jesse climbs on board. He bursts into a passenger car, pulls out his guns, and fires. Blam! Blam! "All right!" he yells. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the woman!"
A guy in the front row says, "Uh, Mr. James, I think you've got it backwards."
Suddenly a high-pitched man's voice in the back calls out, "Excuse me, but Mr. James is robbing the train!"

An intrepid explorer is captured by a tribe of Congo headhunters. Their chief declares, "I will allow you to go free if you pass three tests.
"Fair enough" says the bloke.
'First" says the Chief, "you must drink a skin of jungle whiskey, then you must pull the rotten tooth from my pet tiger and finally, if you still live, you must deflower my daughter."
The bloke looks at the tiger and decides it looks placid enough, he feels like a drink and sex is always welcome so he agrees to the test.
He gets comfortable on the ground and slowly but surely consumes the entire skin of whiskey. He gets unsteadily to his feet and with a glazed expression bursts into the hut reserved for the dental work.
There's much roaring and grunting, crashing and cursing but finally loud purring can be heard. The bloke emerges triumphantly from the hut, glares defiantly at the tribesman and says," Right, wheresh thish bish with the shore tooth."

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," answered the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."

HERE is a little gem I cam across recently and wanted to share with my fellow cellar dwellers.

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with ....


a Misdewiener

BUT ....

the British Navy did run aground in a lovely new fiberglass state-of-the-art cruiser at the Rubbish Dump on our island sometime in the early 1990s. Our local police officer is reputed to have strolled to the site, gazed up at the dumbfounded captain and asked "Do you have a permit to leave this thing here?"

true?? which island??did i miss something?

Only England. :D

Okay here goes, I am hoping that nobody gets offended by this it's not too bad though.

There are 3 construction workers, one Italian one Mexican and one Polish guy and they all eat lunch together every day. The Italian guy opens his lunch box and sees Ziti. Man I am so tired of Ziti he says I wish my wife would make something else. The Mexican opens his lunch box and says "tacos? man I am tired of tacos". The Polish guy opens his lunch box and sees a bologna sandwich. He says the same thing how he is tired of bologna. The next day at lunch the same thing happens except the Italian guy says if I have ziti in my lunch tomorrow I am gonna jump right off the top of this building. The Mexican opens his lunch and says man if I get a taco tomorrow I am jumping with ya. The Polish guy opens his lunch and says make that three of us jumping. The next day all three men jump from the building and die. At the Italian's funeral his wife is crying and carrying on how she never realized he didn't like ziti and she blames herself. At the Mexican funeral his wife is crying and all upset about how she thought tacos was his favorite food. At the Polish funeral his wife is walking around thanking everyone for coming all calm and collected. When asked why she wasn't upset for making him jump because of the bologna sandwiches she replied "why would I get upset....... he packed his own lunch"

OLD VERSION:


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


MODERN VERSION:


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome". Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity for Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican.

Wolf, we disagree on some things, but at times like this I'm reminded how much you rock.

Beer Wisdom
 

"Sometimes, when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel shamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come
true, than be selfish
and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I fee l sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin of Cheersa;
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy, Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.."

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It
"In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once
Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For
Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With
The Prophecy."

8. Dont Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically
After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't
Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't
Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I
Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The
Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're
Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The
Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

I apologise in advance, you've probably seen this before, but for those who didn't................



Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a tumble dryer.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag
filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
centre

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cork at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other
from Dublin
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after
the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student
on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either,
but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a
land mine or something.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids
around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a
first-generation hermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple
it to the wall.

THE ORIGIN OF LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches
occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood, when human
beings coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented.

This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and
the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct
subgroups:


Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required a reliable source of grain, and that
was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was
necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they
were drinking beer.

This was the beginning of the Conservative movement.

Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live
off Conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's
work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Later, some of the Liberals actually became women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group
therapy, and democratic voting to see how to divide up the beer and meat
that the Conservatives provided.

Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them
were still women back then, and the Conservatives fed them.

The largest, most powerful land animal on earth symbolizes
Conservatives.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white
wine or foreign water in a bottle.

They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French
food are on Liberal menus.

Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex
and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments
were Sodom and Gomorrah.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, college professors,
journalists, and group therapists are Liberals.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't
"fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for
their women.

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively
outside government.

Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work
for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They prefer to "govern" the producers
and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.

That is why most of the Liberals just stayed in Europe when Conservatives
were coming to America.

Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law.

They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches.

When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the
Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world.

They believe in the concept of truth.

Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to
stealing the production of Conservatives and undermining principled
references such as the Bible and Constitution.

They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best
for them at the time without regard to others.

They have no standard of reference and are never consistent.

Liberals do not give to charity.

They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice.

They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax
money, which they tax away from Conservatives.

Conservatives believe in self-defense, both at home and abroad.

They own guns and use them to discourage Liberals and other common criminals.

They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign Liberals and
other foreign criminals.

Liberals do not believe in Conservative self-defense. They disarm
Conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by Liberal armies with guns.

King George III, Stalin and Pol Pot were all Liberals who abandoned the
rule of Law, had no principles except their own self-indulgence, and
attempted to tax and govern Conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government.

They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer
because it's the ultimate big government.

Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries,
convict common criminals and acquit fellow Conservatives who have been
charged by Liberals.

When serving in the armed forces, they shoot Liberals from
other countries who want to govern our country. Conservatives know the
difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by
some Liberal from Massachusetts.

When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't
explain their reasons.

Liberals only believe in whatever laws appeal to them at the moment, such
as the privilege of making a living by taxing Conservatives. When sitting
on juries, Liberals convict producers and acquit Liberals and other common
criminals.

Liberal judges do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid by fellow
Liberals with confiscated tax money. They consider it illegal to reference
any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution.

Like other Liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best
for them.

Judge Roy Bean is their model.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative.

A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find
the owner of a huge cattle ranch.

He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could
you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?"

To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet."

So, what'll it be? Steak or tofu? Wine or Beer? Domestic or imported?

Edited to add:

I think Coffee was developed by Conservatives, so they could get more work
done.

The liberals then created flavored coffees

The development of Drive through coffee kiosks, is a genetic mutation,
possibly the start of the THIRD PARTY SYSTEM, it is to early in that phase
of humanity to decide......

After reading this, I now know that I fall somewhere squarely in between Conservative and Liberal, especially where deviant sex and fiscal responsibility are concerned.

Oh...and there's also that part about consulting the Bible, which I don't do. What are you if you consult Tarot cards?

That should work.

Although a little bibliomancy never hurt anybody. The bible is much better than the phone book for that ...

Office Dares

Feeling bored in the office? Looking for something new and exciting to do?


Why not initiate an office dare system - Well read on.

One Point Office Dares

(1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

(2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

(3) Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

(4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

(5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

(6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmm, that feels sooooooo good!"

(7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way. But thanks for noticing".

(8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

(9) While riding in the lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


Three Point Office Dares

(1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him/her with double-barrelled fingers.

(2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

(3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

(4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

(5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five Point Office Dares

(1) At the end of a meeting suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

(2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing frustration, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

(3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

(4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

(5) After every sentence say "mon" in a rally bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

(6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

(7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

(8) At lunchtime get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

(9) In a colleague's diary write in: "10 am - See how I look in tights".

(10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

(11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that? "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

(12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why say, "I can't talk about it."

(13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

(14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig etc) during a very important conference call.

(15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

(16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

(17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

(18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

(19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.


TEN POINTS ANYWHERE dares....

(1) At lunchtime sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

(2) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

(3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask "Do you want fries with that?"

(4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN".

(5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine additions, switch to espresso.

(6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR S**** FAVOURS".

(7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

(8) Don't use any punctuation.

(9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

(10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

(11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

(12) Sing along at the opera.

(13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

(14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

(15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

(16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

(17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I Won! Third time this Week!!!"

(18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

WARNING - NAKED PICTURE!!
 

Imagine that you go out one night to a really nice bar with your friends and

>have a few cocktails. They taste good, so you have a few more and then

>the dj puts on 'I Will Survive,' so you're off on the dance floor, a bit

>worse for wear. After an hour or so, when 'Heart of Glass' has finished,

>and more modern music comes on, you come back to the group for a rest and

>another cocktail or three.

>

>You notice a group of men standing nearby and one of them is looking at You.

>You look back at him and there is tangible chemistry between the two

>of you. He summons up some courage and moves over to talk to you.

>You like him, so YOU buy him a drink. He likes a woman who is not afraid to

>buy a man a drink. You get on really well. When the time seems perfect

>for both of you, he leans over and kisses you. You have never been kissed

>like this before, an electric kiss - a tingle shudders through your entire

>body and you don't want it to stop.

>

>"I don't usually do this sort of thing," you hear yourself saying, "but I've

>never felt like this before. Do you want to come back to my place?"

>you wake up the next morning, and you roll out of bed, half-asleep, to go to

>the toilet, last night's memories slightly blurred. You look at yourself in

>the mirror, make an "urgh" sound and sit down on the toilet.

>As you're sitting there, vivid flashes of what would seem like a marathon

>sex session flicker back into your head and you remember that you fell in

>love last night. With a smile on your face, you stand up and walk

>back to the bedroom and see ......................

AAARGH! My eyes!!! There is no god.

Damn, that Mr. Market dude just keeps coming back. Or maybe its that guy with the gold suit after the movie studio tracked his sorry ass down and repo'd it.

Either way, that was just plain disgusting.

Sun_Sparkz, membership to the Cellar has its priviliges. It also has its responsibilities. Think on that for a bit will ya?

:vomit:

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts. MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. "

MALE PROCEDURE[list=1][*] Drive up to the cash machine.
[*] Roll down your car window.
[*] Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
[*] Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
[*] Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
[*] Put window up.
[*] Drive off.[/list=1]


FEMALE PROCEDURE[list=1]
[*] Drive up to cash machine.
[*] Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
[*] Set parking brake, put the window down
[*] Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
[*] Turn the radio down.
[*] Attempt to insert card into machine.
[*] Open the car door to allow easy access to machine due to it's excessive distance from the vehicle.
[*] Insert card.
[*] Reinsert card the right way up.
[*] Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
[*] Enter PIN.
[*] Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
[*] Enter amount of cash required.
[*] Check make up in rear view mirror.
[*] Retrieve cash and receipt.
[*] Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
[*] Place receipt in back of checkbook.
[*] Recheck makeup again.
[*] Drive forward 2 feet.
[*] Reverse back to cash machine.
[*] Retrieve card.
[*] Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
[*] Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver lined up behind you.
[*] Restart stalled engine and pull away.
[*] Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
[*] Release Parking Brake[/list=1]

nyuk, nyuk, nyuk

Hey, that's not fair.... I set my parking brake when I'm at a drive-up window.

I leave it in first and burn out the clutch. All my shit is ready and I'm so fast on the buttons, being a lifelong geek, that even a double-account deposit, transfer, and cash withdrawl takes 30 seconds. I leave the receipts for the next guy so he can have a laugh.

I send my husband.

Oh HUSH, you big brute.

FOR TW
 

Subject: Texas surgeons

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries :they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A
concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I
reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a
private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man
lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached
them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field
events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.
Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and
alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80
miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of
the United States."

thats why i put on a WARNING!! it wasnt that bad, it was just some guys backside, ther has been a lot worse posted elsewhere and without warning!

:rolleyes:

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),
a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,and
with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's
your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge........"

Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was
there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the
letter she explained that she had slept with two guys
while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with
him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would
do. He went around to his buddies and collected all
the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with
clothes and without) to his girl friend with the
following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove
your picture and send the rest back."

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERY NATIONALITY

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are suddenly stranded by a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees
make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.

The Barmaid

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jenny (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jenny's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have s*x with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for s*x. Jenny is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jenny remembers the night before and is only too happy toagree.This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jenny thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be shecan then skank some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sitsnext to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says"Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe
this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"