I hope you don't find out you've stepped in dog poop til after you've put your feet up on your nice new sofa.

I hope you get the smaller piece of the wishbone.

I hope you decide it's okay to remove your own cannula and then it goes a gusher so the public toilet cubicle looks like The Red Wedding (except for the drummer from Coldplay) and you have to apologise and make lame excuses which sound more dishonest the more honest you are.

I hope you swallow a fly

...while giving bathroom bjs in a biker bar.

I hope you miss your exit

I hope your turkey is dry.

I hope you spill(ed) your pumpkin pie filling as you tried to maneuver the sucker into the oven.

I hope that when you started cooking it, you misunderstood, and prepared a turd ucken.

I hope you get it out of your system

I hope you ran out to pick up your woman's birthday present on Black fucking Friday.

I hope you're happy mister

I hope you feel like you're forgetting something ...

I hope you remember what it was, go into the next room to get it and forget again.

I hope you accidentally hit "End call" instead of turning off speaker phone after you've been on hold for 20 minutes.

CLOSE!

Attachment 49723
Nov. 10, 2014

So there I was, scootering down the road, minding my own business, when all of a sudden SPLAT!

I first saw it when it was about 3 feet out in front of me, and about 1 foot above my line of sight. I saw it. There was no time to react, as I was scootering along at pretty good clip, about 40 mph. I remember closing my eyes. I didn't even have time to cuss. I knew what it was before it hit me (no pun intended:D).

So, now, here I am, running down the road after some avian asshole has loosened it's load, on my eye, watching, with macro vision, as this chalky, white lump of birdturd slowly gets pushed around my glasses' lens by the wind. The most of it was fairly liquid. But, this turd keeps moving around, the wind is pushing it toward the outside edge of the lens. I realize that if this turd of bird runs out of lens, it's gonna continue to be pushed by the wind. Onto, and then, I assume, across my face. Into my hair.

By the way, I'm in traffic, there ain't gonna be no "GAHBIRDSHITONMAHGLASSES!!!"-panic stops.

So, now, I'm scootering down the road with a loosened bird load sliding around my glasses, holding my head like I'm staring at something off to the right of the road, hoping beyond hope that if this milky thing decides to leave my glasses, it will fly off into the ether, instead of sliding/flying/smearing itself into my face and hair.

It did neither. It solidified in about thirty seconds into a solid lump of white chalk.

I ran the hottest water I felt safe about soaking the glasses in (I worried that boiling water may cause the lenses to loosen and come out, and I like these glasses, good wind protection), and covered them, literally, in Dawn dish washing detergent, and let them soak overnight.

Thank God I was wearing those glasses, or, I might have shitty outlook on things.

Totally unlike the outlook I have now.:right:

...It was the first day with me new hook...

I hope you burn the toast

hahaha@grav Sorry, but it's funny. You poor thing.

I hope you get out of the shower and realise you have no towel or clothes in the bathroom and then realise you've had unexpected visitors arrive while you've been in the shower. :)

I hope they open the fire hydrants on your street to flush out the water mains just as you have lathered up you hair in the shower.

I hope that new(ish) roof you didn't want, ask for, or need starts leaking.

Goddammit.:mad:

I was telling that story in the bar, and began hearing the table behind us laughing. By the time I was done, the table behind us, the table on the other side, and the table across the aisle was laughing. I think the whole bar heard that story.

I hope you launch Internet Explorer

I hope you cut yourself shaving

I hope you cut yourself shaving...your pubes

I hope your TP slips and you get poop under your fingernail.

I hope you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours.


I hope you get moderate to severe plaque psoriasis

I hope you ask your doctor about Viagara and he tells you you are not healthy enough to have sex.

Not you, ladies.

I hope you forget to turn off your alarm clock the night before your day off.

I hope you have two totes amazeballs photos and send them to a cool person and they don't receive them.

I hope your dogs find a gut pile and create an insurmountable bubble of ass gas in your house.

I hope your Viagara doesn't work.

Not to leave out the ladies:

I hope you experience vaginal dryness.

I hope you get shrews

I hope YOU step on a legolegolego

I hope you swallow your gum

I hope that, in the men's room, when you shake it, you get a little on your leg.

I hope your sandwich remains attached to the bite you just took by a long, black hair.

I hope you get soppy socked.

(that's when you're wearing socks around the house and you step in a melted ice cube, or a puddle of dog drool or some other kind of minor body of watery substance that instantly soaks through your sock into the arch of your foot, making the stock cling there in a most uncomfortable fashion.)

I hope that.


But not you. You know who.


Just kidding

You Do know who, right?

I hope your train of thought derails.

Peter Capaldi. Who Dani says is marves.
But even if I had a TV I couldn't afford the licence.

So I watch Lady Soliloquy's excellent version of JB's The Doctor & I on YouTube instead. And Meghan Trainor. Obsessive? Yup, can do.

If I can get Carruthers to use totes amazeballs I can do anything.

Apologies, Bettina B did the JB compilation.
Lady S did the Whoverse one.

Anyway, in the whatsit of the thread, I hope you get cucumber important your Caesar salad.

I know it's the sort language that you hip young people like. ;)

That's why the elderly get hip replacements!

Grooooaaaan. :rolleyes:

:drummer:

And now a word from our sponsor:

J Edgar Hoover, as I live and breathe.

I hope you get a hang nail and it gets bent back when you put your fingers into a file drawer.

I hope your prescription expires

I hope your watch falls off

I hope you blow a blood vessel in your eye

Not you



Just kidding

May all your nightmares come true.

May all your burgers hide molten cheese under the bun.

May all your toast land butter side down.

May all your condoms dissolve.

May all your financial obligations and mistress be late.

I hope your pleas fall on deaf ears

I hope your limbs are all akimbo

I hope your dentist sneezes

I hope you don't get your money's worth at the buffet

Not you

I hope that thing you've laughed at all your life afflicts you in your old age.

I hope you wake up late. Just a little.

I hope the sauce squirts out the back of your burger when you bite it.

I hope your soda goes flat before you can enjoy it.

I hope you step in cold cat yak.

I hope the cat comes in from outside, sits down on your bare foot, and touches it with his cold bunghole.[/actuallyhappenedtoMomdigr]

I hope you develop a neuroma in your foot.

Then step on a lego.

I hope someone leaves your cake out in the rain.

I hope your neighbor's kids form a screamo band.

I hope you get audited

I hope your car horn gets stuck down next time you use it

I hope you run out of wiper fluid

I hope a tree falls in the forest and you're there, but it makes no sound.

I hope ya find a hair in it.

I hope you bet your bottom dollar. And lose

Not you

Ok, you.

Just kidding

I hope you itch.

I hope you have a creeping sense of malaise

I hope you're bored

I hope you're tired of reading this thread

I hope your cable goes out tonight right as Game of Thrones starts

I hope you feel constipated and it makes you cranky

Not you.

Not at all you

I hope you had money on the Penguins.

I hope you're wondering if you've seen one of these twice.

I hope you can't find the scissors

I hope you're wondering if you've seen one of these twice.

I hope you drop your ice cream cone

I hope it's all caught on camera

I hope you get a popcorn husk stuck to your tongue way back in the back and it makes you gag and cry.

I hope you prefer 5 of these at a time

I hope you were about to say some smart ass thing about the two identical lines only counting as one

You. I'm talking to you.

Just kidding