I think it might be called a mid-life-crisis by some.

(I wish you both all the best and hope you get it worked out)

jinx, I would be willing to guess that is not the case, but since I don't really know either of you I can't say for sure, but I bet that isn't it. People sabotage themselves for a lot of reasons, most of them unconscious. The older I get the more it seems to me that all of us are starring in a play that we are writing called "This is the story of my life" It's easy for me to see it in my MIL. She was a child in Germany during WWII, they were refugees, they were poor, the city was bombed, it was chaos and destruction. This woman re creates that chaos and destruction, literally, in her life. It's as if she is saying, through her life and actions: "Look! Look at what happened to me!"

I think all of us have had some sort of tragedy in our lives as kids or teens or adults. We often get "Stuck" there and we keep reliving it, recreating it.

Consider joining an ACOA or CODA group I think it will give you a lot of perspective into Jim's behavior as well as give you ways to cope and protect your own mental health. Mrs. Nutkin began to go after the whole meltdown with her mom a year or so ago, it has helped her immeasurably in dealing with her batshit insane mother. And Jim isn't so batshit insane as all that.

Also, I'd recommend you read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" as well as Jim. The book is exactly about what you are describing in Jim's behaviour.

a free pdf of the short version of this book

download the worksheets, etc

I'm just cracking this book, but will be giving it a real go. Her method seems sound, and I find myself grinning when I begin to see how it breaks up assumptions and investigates thoughts and 'stories' to determine their truth.

Willard: They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound.
Kurtz: Are my methods unsound?
Willard: I don't see any method at all, sir.

Well, do I ever feel like a shitheel. Not only was I not aware of this until this evening, I've been around here so little that no one passed it on to me until tonight.

As someone whose marriage is teetering on the brink, albeit for different reasons, just let me say that I feel for both of you. It's sort of like hearing the Homecoming King and Queen broke up or something.

I know that you two are both intelligent and articulate, and that you feel things deeply. These three things will help you as you sort out the issues and plan a future.

In the meantime, I think you're both very special, and will keep you in my thoughts.

How are you doing, LJ?

Hope you guys are ok.