What a horrific disease. I'm sorry for you and your entire family.

On further reflection, and back to the problem of the eulogy, I can see that the anecdotes route could be a minefield for you.
On the two occasions when I have "officiated" at a family funeral (we are non-believers and have non-religious ceremonies) I have asked people significant in the life of the deceased to write a short piece in advance, perhaps just one or two memories, which either I read out, or they were invited to.
You'd certainly be on safe and celebratory ground if you focussed on the children you have raised so successfully together. They will be a large part of the legacy that Tink leaves.

The biographical style eulogy I think works better when the departed was elderly. The eulogy for my grandfather was like that and it really helped contextualise his life and who he was for those of us who hadn't known him as a young man. I found out things I didn't know about him and about my family (the fact that the Coombs family went out to India in the late 18th century for instance, and that they were, to quote the euology 'the last of the great Indigo plantation families'). I knew he'd been chief auditor of the Indian railways and seen some small service in the war - and that he had brought his wife, young sons and nephew back to the motherland in the turbulent days of partition - but I don't think I ever realised how hard he found it to leave behind his ancestral home. And how hard he worked to make a new one.

When people leave us at a younger age, I think it helps to focus on who they were and what they meant rather than biographical details. Odd little anecdotes that demonstrate their personality and importance - fro your perspective that would more than likely be that you have a shared history and her importance as a mother.

Not sure how helpful that is though. When my Dad died, i bottled out of a proper euolgy and wrotea short poem on behalf of my brother and I. The person who officiated at the funeral put together a brief bio with our help and delivered that before I read the poem.

Damn, V. Just, damn.

It is horribly cruel and sadistic. With my late FIL, an extremely sharp and engaged man who lived to talk (the hind leg off a donkey was peanuts for him) the disease presented itself first in his throat. For a few months he would carry around a pre-printed card with his doc's # and a note explaining that he was not drunk, etc. etc.

He shortly lost the ability to speak, so he would type things out and have the computer say them. He became very frustrated at not being able to communicate and began to spend a lot of time with various discussion groups relating to composing and music. (He wa a composer) he had an enormous network of online friends that we knew nothing about until after he passed. Eventually he could no longer use his keyboard and was constantly inadvertently fucking up his OS by banging the wrong sequence of keys, or something. Eventually he could only sit there reduced to head nods a prisoner in his body.

Not to take anything away from the shittyness of any other disease, but ALS is a fucking nightmare of trying to run but being unable to move come to life.

I've got no ideas about the eulogy other than from the heart. Again, my sympathies to you and your kids.

Hmm... interesting, that's a couple of good experiences having the history of the deceased filled in. Maybe because I avoid funerals like the plague, I've only gone to ones for people I knew really well.

"I didn't go to your mom's viewing because I didn't know your mom."

--supposed 'best friend'

Other friend: Well, you know L. (L is me)

Ex father in law: funerals/visitations are about paying respect towards the living. Show up.
'
Which I did for his viewing the week between Christmas and New years.

I've failed in this too, always showing up. But I don't brag about it.

Until you've lived through it yourself, you don't really get it. People are surprisingly clueless.

I really appreciate the support you have all given me, thank you.

xoB, I guess I've volunteered, no one's asked me for anything. But I have something to say about it, ffs, she was my wife for almost twenty years and she's the mother of my children. I'm in. As infinite monkey said, it's about paying respect to the living. And I'm on good terms with most of them, non-speaking terms with some of them, and unacquainted with some of them.

As for the eulogy, I also have in mind to have it written up, in pencil (metaphorically speaking), and give it to Tink for her to see. For that matter, maybe she's got something she wants read out. I don't know; we don't have a lot of contact these days. But she's living and I want to pay my respect to her too. She has my respect, she deserves my respect. But I think this could be an awkward conversation. Even if she says no, and doesn't want to read it or speak to me, that would be fine.

Focusing on my experience with her, how we met, the family we raised, the qualities that attracted me to her and that others have also admired will figure prominently in the work. As you can tell, I'm still sorting and organizing this stuff in my head. I think it will help for me to decide who my audience is, in my mind's eye/voice. Obviously, I won't know everyone who's likely to hear it or read it. But thinking about the people I *do* know who'll be listening... that'd help me focus. It could be more than one person(s). One part for one segment, another part for another segment. Address them, so to speak. Yeah, I'm still thinking about it a lot.

Sure, I would expect you to want to participate, and certainly expect you to be given the opportunity by whoever is in charge. Getting prepared is another way for you to deal with this horrible development.

However, paying respect to the living, not so much. There were a mob of people at my father's funeral because of his years in politics and numerous fraternal organization. They were all there going through the motions like good doobies, but respect the last thing on their minds.

My ex had a friend who went to the funerals of everyone she knew, or knew a friend, neighbor, cow orker of. Social networking when there wasn't facebook to tell people what a good person you are.

Paying respect to the living by reminding them you came to see them because somebody close to them died? Gee, what a pal.
No, funerals/wakes are to say goodbye to the dead. If you were both in a bar and you wouldn't say goodbye when they left, you've no business at their final goodbye, you're just emotionally or socially masturbating.

Oh, should I add IMHO? No, my name's on it, every post is opinion, and not at all humble. ;)

I just added this to my personal funerary doings...

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

by Mary Elizabeth Frye


Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

That's a pretty good measuring stick.

I don't really 'do' funerals either. I see them as more of a private/family thing. I have to have been exceptionally close to a person to attend a funeral service, and I don't get that close easily.

I like that poem, Gravdigr. I'd come to your funeral. I'd say goodbye to you as you left the bar, too.

xoB, your point is well made. I agree with it. But for those "social mastubators / networkers", fuck'em. I'm not talking to them, not directly. Those would be the people I don't know. No reason to snub them directly, but I doubt we'll connect much, and I certainly have no inclination to seek out anyone there that I don't already know.

But there will definitely be people there, the living people, who I'll be grieving with. Those are the ones who have my respect that I intend to show. You're right on target about saying goodbye to the dead, too. And I will, also being aware that I'll be watched by my children. Her sisters and her dad and his wife will be there of course. Probably lots of relations more removed from her immediate family and from my attention. From my side if the family, I expect the only other person who might attend would be my mother, and she's a maybe due to her mobility restrictions.

I don't really know who's in charge of the final arrangements, I suspect it's BD. I'll contact her later, probably tonight, and talk to her about it.

Maybe pictures? A slide show? I just don't know. Music? These are the kinds of questions Tink would be, or IMHO, *should* be dealing with. **shrug** I just don't know.

http://hereandnow.wbur.org/2014/03/2...nary-tale-will

http://www.washingtonpost.com/busine...572_story.html

Some food for thought.

Selfish is so easy to do. The hard stuff is hard.

Kudos to you BigV, for doing the hard things.