As far as the special needs go especially for Autism, I can add a few cents.
Jeff is an adult now. In a lot of ways we are very lucky. He was able to find a part time job in high school and has been working there for 10 years.
I sometimes get depressed when I see an elderly woman in the mall with her 40-something special needs adult and wonder what my situation will be when I am 70+.
I also daydream, usually when the office lottery pool kicks in.
On a day to day basis, Jeff fits into our schedule the way any live-in child would. I take him to work on the few days he works and Marci picks him up. He mostly goes with us wherever we go, but can stay home for short periods by himself.
There are some special challenges with Autism, but raising a child is raising a child and a lot of the challenges are the same whether special needs or not. The issue with many special needs is knowing that the relationship will never change. There will be no marriage, moving out, occasional visits, etc.
During our
IEP's, I always stated the goal that Jeff would be in a group home environment by the time he was 25. I did this mainly because with bureaucracies, setting a goal is important. I don't know if it will ever happen and I am not pushing it. With a part time job and supports, the answer is maybe, someday.
The point is that stress is normal and so is daydreaming. If it doesn't impair your functioning, it's a lot healthier and cheaper than drugs. But what is even more important is doing things for yourself and your spouse. There used to be funding for 'respite' care, which simply meant separating parents from children for some downtime. This usually meant babysitters, but it could also mean summer camp.
I doubt this support exists anymore, but the principle is sound. All parents need a break. Finding a good babysitter, be it from an agency or family member, and checking into a hotel for a weekend is probably the cheapest and best therapy.
In the military and sports, there is a concept called 'target fixation', where someone is so focused on something that they disregard obstacles and threats. In pilots this meant almost deliberately plowing into the ground.
With our children, particularly special needs children, there is a lot of pressure to be a 'good parent'. We are not conditioned to be selfish, even though sometimes being selfish is the correct answer to keeping ourselves mentally capable of parenting. Sometimes this means being so fixated on giving that we forget to maintain our own mental health.
When Jeff was growing up, we would sometimes sit down and ask ourselves how long it had been since we'd had a night out by ourselves and be shocked at the answer. I'm not any kind of health care expert, but you just might need some R&R.
Marci is the real expert on a lot of this. She does not have a Cellar account, but PM me if you have a question for her. She's been giving a lot of advice in this area lately. The 'official' supports for special needs parents in PA are not stellar and a lot of people do not understand respite, IEP's, services, and other issues.
