I agree with both of y'all.

I'm curious about actions more than words. There can be empty words, but if they're matched with similar actions, then there's likely a cause for concern (action).

In this context, I think such questions are appropriate. They're not sufficient, but they are pertinent.

I have more of an issue with her idea of a "plantation style wedding" than any use of any particular word.

I worked with a man who would use very inappropriate language about our gay colleague. Behind his back.
Gay colleague was supercilious, snide and quite unpleasant.
Person using the inappropriate language was funny, open-minded and was BFF with a gay all the way through Uni (they lost contact he he moved away from Brighton, not because of any other disagreement).
He was not homophobic.

But had he ever been in court and it was called into question, he would have been judged by his words, not his attitude or behaviour.

I must remember this.
I secretly roll my eyes at many things Mum says. They speak of embedded attitudes ("Well, we do have one Asian family living nearby, but they don't really cause any trouble.")
But her actions and behaviour show differently.
She was so touched at how they responded to Grandad's death. She appreciated the fact that Mr H read her some verses from the Koran, in the same way an atheist like me would appreciate a true Christian reading reading a relevant passage from the Bible - if it is intended to comfort then it's the thought that counts.

They put a card through the door every Christmas, she puts one through their door at Eid.

Sorry, a bit off topic.
No idea who this woman is and whether she's racist or not.
But I do get a little stab in the throat when Bri's name comes up on my screen.

Funny but I was about 10 or 11 when we moved from New York to Atlanta, Georgia in 1967 and not long afterwards Martin Luther King was shot. I recall a teacher bringing up a topic about the then governor, Lester Maddox who was an avowed segregationist refusing to attend King's funeral. The teacher let students discuss if this was right or not. I recall one boy defending the decision with, "a white man don't go to a nigger's funeral!"

I think her use of the word as explained in the deposition is pretty overblown as it was not recently and like it or not that was a part of the deep south. Now, the stupid idea for the wedding for her brother with old black men serving all the white guests was and is telling.

This opinion piece hits the nail on the head, it points out that Paula Deen's Andy Warhol moment lasted long enough and her dismissal from her TV show and connections to products and companies is not so much because of the fall out from her deposition but that her butter slathered star has faded.

http://blogs.ajc.com/food-and-more/2...nd-the-market/

Thank you, Chris. Well said.

I have a problem with this kind of behavior, one face to the world, a different face to the friends. Was the "very inappropriate language" about the gay colleague about the colleague's sexuality? Your post makes it sound that way. So, your co-worker was not homophobic, didn't like a gay colleague, and expressed that dislike by calling names; not about the colleague's actual unpleasant qualities. What is the purpose of such complaints? Maybe he was a king joker, a clown who made jokes about all kinds of people. But mostly this kind of disconnect makes me suspicious. I don't like it.

V, his issue with the colleague was not based on his sexuality.
He used terms that other people used in conversation. And had he used them in general conversation I would not have engaged with him.

All I can think to compare him to is Frankie Boyle, but I have no idea if his humour has even made it to the States, let alone translates.

M did not talk about T casually using those terms.
Only when relating particular incidents. So he might say, "Blah blah blah and then T went straight in to see [boss] and blah blah blah. Crawly little shit-stabber."
It's a ref to his proclivities, but it's also an attempt to say something nasty.

Maybe he was wrong.
I did listen with my hand over my open mouth and say, "You can't say that!"
So I dunno.
I've used the c word about other women before. I've also talked about hitting other women. I wouldn't get into fisticuffs because I am terrified by confrontation, let alone physical violence. But I can talk up a good bitch-front. I think the trash talk I heard from M was the same.

I don't think they are bored at all. I think they are looking for something, ANYTHING other than the substantive issues currently happening.