A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of her situation. The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the priest. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?

crime in multi-storey carparks, it's wrong on so many levels


I had to come up with an 8 character password, so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves


Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car...


(all from Edinburgh Fringe 2011)

The Weather Channel says yesterday’s east cost earthquake was caused by an unknown fault line running under D.C. and through Virginia.

It is now being called Obama’s Fault, though Obama says it’s really Bush’s Fault.

Other theories are that it was the founding fathers rolling over in their graves, or that what we all believed to be an earthquake was actually the effects of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington.

Little Patrick asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes.

When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands.

When he got back to class his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

So little Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent home and his mom asked him "What do you have in your hand?"

So little Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent to his room and his da came in and asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

So again little Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

Then his Da got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"

And little Patrick opened his hands and said, "Look Da you scared the crap out of him!"

hahahahahah good one!!!

"Oh shit!" Smart guy got it in one...


Well, shit happens.

Baptizing an Irishman


An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,

hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time
holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about,
he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"



The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Is it common?

It's not unusual.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".

*guffaw*

I cackled at Tom Jones Syndrome!

Momdigr will love this one, she is/was a Tom Jones nut.

That was, uh...something.

The Boss to a lady aspirant to the post of a Secretary:

Boss: "What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"

Lady: "I do not know. I have never been paper clipped"