.

Wholly endorse this. Same with liquers - which only rich people have all year round (trailer park trash like me down them in one session)
I live life by this rule. Also it has no calories if uyou haven't ordered it/ paid for it. And in the case of a friendly not-quite-empty in a pub it doesn't count as alcohol either.
And it's topped with marzipan. Which was the invention of the devil. Check serial killers' preferences through the ages, when asked if they liked marzipan an incredible 98% said yes.

Ah fruitcake, another great US/UK divide.

US and UK fruitcake have astoundingly little in common.

Yanks are usually rather surprised to find that Brit wedding cake is traditionally fruit cake and most people stick with tradition. Christmas cake is also fruitcake. Yanks wouldn't like it either, but it's nothing like the stuff it is US holiday tradition to hate. Which is basically sponge with lots of horribly coloured candied peel. I'll pass on both and just grab another beer, thanks.

Is anyone not confused yet?

I like fruitcake, made by mom. Also liked the ones in little cans from c-rations.
I get one each year from Collinstreetbakery and buy a jug of whiskey to flavor it Has never happen, yet

Fruitcake batter doesn't come off as spongecake though -- eggy yes, spongecake no. It's denser. Fruitcake should be well soused with a suitable rum or brandy. Cognac would be showing off; Armagnac maybe not, though perhaps there's room for argument either way. A fruitcake that has just enough batter to hold the candied fruit together, is well soused, and then sliced thin enough to pass light -- well, there you have stained-glass fruitcake, and it's a little slice of heaven.

Don't take shortcuts with the production. It's not like you can hurry it along anyway. So use the properly retentive wrappings, the cheesecloth, all of that. Fruitcake is all about the method, and every nuance counts in the finished product.

This ones for LJ.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two

dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him

and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion

allowed per passenger.'



2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One

turns to the other and says 'Dam!'



3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were

chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again

that you can't have your kayak and heat it

too.



4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've

lost my Electron.' The other says 'Are you

sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm

positive.'



5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who

refused Novocain during a root canal? His

goal: transcend dental medication.



6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into

a hotel and were standing in the lobby

discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of

the office and asked them to disperse. 'But

why?', they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said,' I can't stand chess-nuts

boasting in an open foyer.'



7. A woman has twins and gives them up for

adoption. One of them goes to Spain , they

name him 'Juan'; the other went to a family

in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' Years later,

Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth

mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells

her husband that she wishes she also had a

picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,

'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've

seen Ahmal.'



8. A group of friars were behind on their

belfry payments, so they opened up a small

florist shop to raise funds Since everyone

liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a

rival florist across town thought the

competition was unfair. He asked the good

fathers to close down, but they would not. He

went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired

Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most

vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to

close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed

their store, saying he'd be back if they

didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,

thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent

florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked

barefoot most of the time, which produced an

impressive set of calluses on his feet. He

also ate very little, which made him rather

frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered

from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this

is so bad, it's good) a super calloused

fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



10. And finally, there was the person who

posted ten different puns on a message board, with the

hope that at least one of the puns would make

people laugh. No pun in ten did.

^^^My Pun Meter is pegged for sure!^^^

:lol2: @ Merc - Bravo - very good

Survivor, Texas Style


Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read, "I'm gay", "I'm a vegetarian", "I voted for Al Gore", "George Strait Sucks", "Hillary in 2008", and "I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

With a spinoff about all those Texans who think the show has now gone comedy. C'mon -- they were all laughing too hard to shoot straight... and some funny things happened then... somebody go put a finger in the reservoir dam, doggone it... Holland ain't the only place you can save.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Quotes
 

"I think that the free-enterprise system is absolutely too important to be left to the voluntary action of the marketplace." - Rep. Richard Kelly (R-Fla.)

"If a frog had wings, he wouldn’t hit his tail on the ground." - George Bush, on unemployment benefits

"I make my decisions horizontally, not vertically." - Sen. Bob Kerry (D-Neb.)

"I hope that history will present me with maybe two words. One is peace. The other is human rights." - Jimmy Carter

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it’s only the people who make them unsafe." - Frank Rizzo, mayor of Philadelphia

"If we don’t watch our respective tails, the people are going to be running the government." - State Sen. Bill Craven (R-Ca.), on state initiatives

"Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands." - Sen. Jesse Helms

"I don’t see why the legislature should be in the business of artificial intelligence, real intelligence or any intelligence at all." - Rep. Hunt Downer (D-La.)

"A zebra cannot change its spots." - Al Gore

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" - George W. Bush

"We, as Republicans, need to start rowing with one oar." - Rep. John Kasich (R-Ohio)

"I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, former New York mayor

"I don’t have the brains for business. I want to go into politics." - Mao Xinyou, grandson of Mao Zedong

"I’m not indecisive. Am I indecisive?" - Jim Scheibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minn.

"If BS was a dollar a pound, we would have paid off the deficit at about noon." - Rep. Jim Ross Lightfoot (R-Iowa)

"Congressmen are so damn dumb they could throw themselves on the ground and miss." - Rep. James Traficant, Jr. (D-Ohio)

"I think that’s self-evident, but not true." - Bill Clinton

"It’s hard for somebody to hit you when you’ve got your fist in their face." - James Carville, on negative campaigning

"What’s the difference between a politician and a catfish? One is a wide-mouthed, bottom-feeding, slime sucker - and the other is a fish." - Preston Manning, Reform Party leader

"I’m a politician, and as a politician I have the prerogative to lie whenever I want." - Charles Peacock, ex-director of the Madison Guaranty S&L

"Look, I’m trying to run for president! I can’t sit here and debate free trade versus fair trade!" - Pat Robertson

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather." - Marion Barry, former mayor of Wash., D.C.

"The senator has got to understand - he can’t have it both ways. He can’t take the high horse and then claim the low road." - George W. Bush, referring to John McCain

"I’m glad I’m not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin, you never know if someone’s tape-recording what you say." - Richard Nixon

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.



The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.



The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming , would run for cover.



But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of the old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.



The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.



Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.



VOTE CAREFULLY. . . the bells are not always audible . . . . . .

Down south, "tail" is a completely interchangeable euphemism for "ass." The above is actually a fairly common saying. But the man (either senior or junior) has certainly said plenty of other stupid things. :)

what did the right bum cheek say to the left bum cheek?
Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's an asshole.
i heard this one ffrom my son

The road to health is paved with good intestines.

What did one fly say to the other fly? Hey man, your Dude is open.

The teach asked the mexican/american boy to use green, pink and yellow in a sentence.

The little boy thinks a while and says "The phone went green, green. I pinked it up and said "Yellow!"

A lady of a certain age was walking down to her supermarket along the high street, and she was transfixed to see a sign outside the petshop the straightforward meassge of which was:

"Clitoris-licking Frog - $10"


Recovering her poise after a moment she marched on clucking with outrage. However as she navigated the shelves of the supermarket she couldn't get the ridiculous idea out of her mind, and on the way home she amazed herself by going in to the shop. The fellow behind the counter stood up as she approached, and suppressing years of well-learned inhibitions announced:

"I've come in about the Clitoris-licking Frog."


"Bonjour, Madame."

You Might Be Taliban If...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
"unclean."

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.

You've felt the urge to "rub one off" after seeing a woman's exposed
ankle.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and
sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he
goes to learn more -

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy
behind the desk.


The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is:

The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully

wash their genital regions You then apply shaving foam and gently

shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready

for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000,

but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620

miles fom here."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter

is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

I love that, BrianR. My cat Gaines can't stand it if you shut him out of the bathroom. What is up with that? I'm going to print this and hang it on the lower fridge like you said...maybe they'll read it!

good stuff there Brian. I like the bit about the tongue and tail being sarcastic.

I love it. I'm gonna put it on my fridge too. Don't have a dog or cat, mind.

"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd
have killed him if we hadn't stopped her."
"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"
"No, that's not what made her the maddest."
"It's not?"



"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the
curtains."

I own Santa clause conquers the martiains

Council tax re-values want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.
That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
We have a huge council house on our street.
The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay, and no-one is still sure.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the army but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family's odd antics are always in the papers; they are out of control. Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

.

translation:

I love Hillary Clinton. She gives me wood. (cue the violins)

That shirt would be even more funny with a photo of Ann Coulter.

I work for an ISP. One day a woman called, furious.

* Customer: "I bought the Internet the other day, and it ain't workin'."
* Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, can you explain what's happening?"
* Customer: "Well, I called that number that you gave me, and it don't do nothing."
* Tech Support: "What do you mean?"
* Customer: "When I call it, all it does is squeal in my ear!"

Silence.

* Tech Support: "Ma'am, do you have a computer?"
* Customer: "Computer? Hell, I pay you twenty dollars a month! I don't need a computer!"

(DCANet?)

I dunno UT - it was on the link from SD of computer idiots or something like that.

post #1538....1538!! reminded me of a joke....

one day.....at the pearly gates.....

St Peter is confronted with 3 young black hoodlums. he asks, "yes, can I help you?"

the hoodlums say...."well, i guess we are going into heaven?"

St.Peter is dubious. he stammers, " uh....one moment, if you please...." and excuses himself. he picks up the hotline and God answers.

"Yes, Peter?"
"uh.....God.....there's 3 Ghetto Gang bangers at the gates asking to be let in....."
God says, "Well, Peter, if they are at the gates, then they must have led lives worthy of entry to heaven. we are all brothers, please let them in."

3 minutes later, God's phone rings again. It's Peter again.
"uh...God....they're gone!"

"The 3 Hoodlums?" God asks.

"No! The Pearly Gates!"

A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too ha d forgotten to get condoms, and asked i f she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

'Cleanup, Register 5'

Two Mexicans are riding on a bike along U.S. 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride.

He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down.

Sure enough "Old Smokey" pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies “Mexican eggs".

The Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. He opens the back door and quickly shuts and locks it.

He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle!"

A Kentucky couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Subject: SMART ASS ANSWERS


'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ' Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

S MART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a st ock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car
and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Two bonus extras:

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
He never heard the shot.

:biggrin: Here's your sign...

http://cellar.org/2008/bill_engvall_1.jpg

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff, Battalion, and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

News Special Report

6:00 news ,The Secretary of Defense briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Nice pigs, sir".

The President replies, "These are not pigs; these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs!

I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says.... "Excellent Trade Sir!"

Job Description
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis..
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right..
FOOTNOTE
THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.


He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."


A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence............. "Well, f*kin stop doin it then!"

Letters to Viz - extracts from readers letters....


If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
D Antarctica, Rhyll

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

'AltonTowers Theme Park - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
Raymond

I saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1-800-555-3787




Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with
a lawnmower.

I'm sorry Cyclefrance, but this surname simply ought to be outlawed in your country. Think of the children!

There was a knock on my hotel room door.
She said "Turn Down service."
I said "Come in."
She said "No."

There's a good chance it was made up, hin. viz makes the onion look positively virginal.

A well respected ophthalmologist was retiring. He took his wife to his retirement dinner, where a portrait of him was unveiled. It was a huge eye, and right in the center of the pupil was his face. The MD was very proud, and asked his wife "what do you think of that?" She said "it's lovely. I'm just glad that you're not a proctologist!"

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!

From Mom
 

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'Do you always carry your remote with you?'
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I'm never going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can
take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each
other's likes and dislikes.' The counselor addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
'It's Pillsbury, isn't it honey?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A sales girl in a pharmacy notices a man
wandering up & down the aisles.
She asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this is the guy on the milk carton!)

If only there *was* some mystery involved... [/wistful]

> > 'Old Man'
> >
> > I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy
> some
> > new shoes. We decided
> > to grab a bite at the food court.
> >
> > I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next
> to
> > him.
> >
> > The teenager had spiked hair in all different
> > colors: green, red, orange,
> > and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager
> > would look and find him
> > staring every time.
> >
> > When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically
> > asked, "What's the matter,
> > old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
> >
> > Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
> that
> > I would not choke on his
> > response, knowing he would have a good one. And in
> > classic style he did not
> > bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and
> had
> > sex with a peacock. I
> > was just wondering if you were my son ?




Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Inspirational message.


It made me laugh like a man.

Fuck Planet Earth.

Indeed, probably the only word uttered in nature.

(By the way, Planet Earth is well worth having on DVD.)

I'm waiting until I get a hi-def disc player. It'll be my first purchase.

And that video is hilarious.

It really is amazing in High-def!