What do you call a frozen exam?

A testicle.

(I'll be here all week)

As a bus boy.

And *this* is what sprang immediately to mind....



Basil's reply at 5:50... he's not speaking Mr Clod's lines, is he?
:eek:

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."


The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."


The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."



The biker thought about it for a long time.



Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when
she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when
she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."




The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"

"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat,
agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog and house
while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the dogs apart.


However, as she was drifting off to sleep,
she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together
and unable to disengage as frequently happens when dogs mate.

She was unable to separate them, and even though it was late,
she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing
will make the male lose his erection and he'll be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

I'm not really sure, but It just worked for me," he replied.

Why I'm Divorced



Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....
on the couch....
naked.

but, but.. why was he humping his dog?

I'm here all week.

May be a repost.

In honor of Arnold Schwartzenegger, a new 11th Commandment has been created. Be sure to write this one beneath the other 10:

“Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod with Thy Staff.”

We have a winner!!!

Five EMPTY chambers, one loaded.
Five EMPTY, one loaded.

Costco doctor!




One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting. Your elbow will start to improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco."

That evening, while thinking about this new diagnostic device, Joe also began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

The next day, he mixed up a concoction: some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe went back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in the family cocktail, and waited.

The computer printed the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Also: If you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.