The Cellar - Humor...I Need Humor...

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Oh man, what a great story.:thumb2:

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and S**** for Brains.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman
staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles,
Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him and says,
'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says,
'What EXACTLY did you say to me?

The big dude says,
'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers
to the questions everyone always asks me......
I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 pounds, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:
'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
'Turn around!

The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for a college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. The only one who received an A+ wrote the
following:

Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.”

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, “You’re hallucinating, You’ve finally lost your mind.”

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman.

It’s been such a long, long time….So … do you think we should … well … you know … screw her?”

“Out of WHAT?!?” asked the other.

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse"s legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I"m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Billy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"

The Douglas Adams' story is one he used to tell - he told it as happening to him, but he also wrote it into So Long and Thanks For All the Fish*. But of course with biscuits instead of cookies. And he died before CNN was available to Brits. And it's apocryphal anyway.

But even in a bastardised form it still makes me smile.

*

Quote:

"Tell me the story," said Fenchurch firmly. "You arrived at the station."
"I was about twenty minutes early. I'd got the time of the train wrong. I suppose it is equally possible," he added after a moment's reflection, "that British Rail had got the time of the train wrong. Hadn't occurred to me before."
"Get on with it." Fenchurch laughed.
"So I bought a newspaper, to do the crossword, and went to the buffet to get a cup of coffee."
"You do the crossword?"
"Yes."
"Which one?"
"The Guardian usually."
"I think it tries to be too cute. I prefer The Times. Did you solve it?"
"What?"
"The crossword in the Guardian."
"I haven't had a chance to look at it yet," said Arthur, "I'm still trying to buy the coffee."
"All right then. Buy the coffee."
"I'm buying it. I am also," said Arthur, "buying some biscuits."
"What sort?"
"Rich Tea."
"Good Choice."
"I like them. Laden with all these new possessions, I go and sit at a table. And don't ask me what the table was like because this was some time ago and I can't remember. It was probably round."
"All right."
"So let me give you the layout. Me sitting at the table. On my left, the newspaper. On my right, the cup of coffee. In the middle of the table, the packet of biscuits."
"I see it perfectly."
"What you don't see," said Arthur, "because I haven't mentioned him yet, is the guy sitting at the table already. He is sitting there opposite me."
"What's he look like?"
"Perfectly ordinary. Briefcase. Business suit. He didn't look," said Arthur, "as if he was about to do anything weird."
"Ah. I know the type. What did he do?"
"He did this. He leaned across the table, picked up the packet of biscuits, tore it open, took one out, and..."
"What?"
"Ate it."
"What?"
"He ate it."
Fenchurch looked at him in astonishment. "What on earth did you do?"
"Well, in the circumstances I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do. I was compelled," said Arthur, "to ignore it."
"What? Why?"
"Well, it's not the sort of thing you're trained for is it? I searched my soul, and discovered that there was nothing anywhere in my upbringing, experience or even primal instincts to tell me how to react to someone who has quite simply, calmly, sitting right there in front of me, stolen one of my biscuits."
"Well, you could..." Fenchurch thought about it. "I must say I'm not sure what I would have done either. So what happened?"
"I stared furiously at the crossword," said Arthur. "Couldn't do a single clue, took a sip of coffee, it was too hot to drink, so there was nothing for it. I braced myself. I took a biscuit, trying very hard not to notice," he added, "that the packet was already mysteriously open..."
"But you're fighting back, taking a tough line."
"After my fashion, yes. I ate a biscuit. I ate it very deliberately and visibly, so that he would have no doubt as to what it was I was doing. When I eat a biscuit," Arthur said, "it stays eaten."
"So what did he do?"
"Took another one. Honestly," insisted Arthur, "this is exactly what happened. He took another biscuit, he ate it. Clear as daylight. Certain as we are sitting on the ground."
Fenchurch stirred uncomfortably.
"And the problem was," said Arthur, "that having not said anything the first time, it was somehow even more difficult to broach the subject a second time around. What do you say? "Excuse me...I couldn't help noticing, er..." Doesn't work. No, I ignored it with, if anything, even more vigor than previously."
"My man..."
"Stared at the crossword, again, still couldn't budge a bit of it, so showing some of the spirit that Henry V did on St. Crispin's Day..."
"What?"
"I went into the breach again. I took," said Arthur, "another biscuit. And for an instant our eyes met."
"Like this?"
"Yes, well, no, not quite like that. But they met. Just for an instant. And we both looked away. But I am here to tell you," said Arthur, "that there was a little electricity in the air. There was a little tension building up over the table. At about this time."
"I can imagine."
"We went through the whole packet like this. Him, me, him, me..."
"The whole packet?"
"Well it was only eight biscuits but it seemed like a lifetime of biscuits we were getting through at this point. Gladiators could hardly have had a tougher time."
"Gladiators," said Fenchurch, "would have had to do it in the sun. More physically gruelling."
"There is that. So. When the empty packet was lying between us the man at last got up, having done his worst, and left. I heaved a sigh of relief, of course. As it happened, my train was announced a moment or two later, so I finished my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper..."
"Yes?"
"Were my biscuits."
"What?" said Fenchurch. "What?"
"True."
"No!" She gasped and tossed herself back on the grass laughing.
She sat up again.
"You complete nitwit," she hooted, "you almost completely and utterly foolish person."

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman (Post 696516)

...and if the mailman weren't there to hold her down, we would have lost her.

What did the Jewish Pedophile say?

Buy some candy, little girl?

Lol as Sky... that was good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimhelm (Post 697051)

What did the Jewish Pedophile say?

Buy some candy, little girl?

Two pedophiles are sitting on a park bench, when an eight year old girl walks by. The first pedophile says "God! Would you look at the body on her?" The other says "Yeah, she must've really been something in her day."

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot (Post 696782)

...and if the mailman weren't there to hold her down, we would have lost her.

The Sunday school teacher asked the class "Which part of you goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny said "Your feet."

The teacher asked "Why do say that, Johnny?"

Johnny said "Cause the other day I saw Dad trying to hold Mama down on the couch, and her feet were in the air, and she was hollering 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

Ladies/Gents,

Sex and Good English

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The

certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby

reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile

dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to
the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,
and
with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and
it
must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in

your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How
do I
stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does,
the
medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him
in
the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,
"1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she

asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with
a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.