The Cellar - Humor...I Need Humor...

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Sundae's 'mouse cock' comment put this in mind:

Once there was a mouse who's sole fantasy in life was to make love to a woman. A real woman, a human woman. He was relating his fantasy to a rat bartender he knew, when the rat said, "Ya know, I can help ya out with that." The mouse says "Whaddya mean?" "Weeellll, I've been known to help out the odd traveling salesman, or whatever, who finds himself in need of companionship when in unfamiliar territory. Might be that I know a lady that might just help you out, if you've got the money." He said he had cash on hand, and to put him in touch with this helpful lady. The rat gives him a slip of paper with an address, "Tell her Nick sent ya.". And the mouse went away happy as a mouse about to get laid.

The mouse returns to the bar the next night. And, boy, did he look rough, like he'd been through the wringer. The rat says to him, "Man! Is your ass draggin'! You look like hell, how'd it go?"

The mouse looked up through ruffled fur and bloodshot eyes and said: "Nick, between kissin' and fuckin', I musta ran 600 miles last night."

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce (Post 692799)

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, ‘I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ’99′.

The guy obeys and says, ’99′.

The doctor says, ‘Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ’99.’

Again, the guy says, ’99.’

The doctor said, ‘Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, ’99.’

The guy begins, ‘One .. Two ….. Three’.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm gonna use this one the next time we play "doctor".

One night a police officer named Mike returned home at 3:00 a.m. after working the graveyard shift. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark and got in bed with his wife.

As soon as he settled in she said, “Honey, can you go over to the drug store and pick me up some aspirin?”

Mike agreed to go, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the drug store. When he got to the drug store, he got the aspirin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up.

The clerk looked at him for a moment and asked, “Say, aren’t you Mike Murphy?”
Mike answered him and said, “Yes I am.”

The clerk looked puzzled and asked, “Well, aren’t you a police officer?”
And again Mike replied yes.

The clerk scratched his head for a second and said, “Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?”

Following on from gravigr's joke ...

Not content with some Human lovin', the randy mouse had one more fantasy to live out. He wanted to have sex with an elephant. so, off he went to the zoo, where he spent hours lurking around the elephant enclosure, plotting, scheming, trying to figure out how he could get a chance with the amazingly sexy she-elephant.

As he watched, a rat approached. The rat was Rick, Nick's cousin, and he was well connected at the zoo. The two got talking and a few minutes later, the deal was done. Cash passed from paw to paw, and Rick scurried off to arrange things with the elephant keeper.

A few minutes later the she-elephant was led into the holding pen out the back, and Rick appeared, waving the mouse in. In he went, climbed up the elephant's leg, and got straight to work. The elephant just rolled her eyes and ignored it as best she could.

In the next enclosure was a monkey, sitting near the top of a tree, holding a coconut. As he looked over the wall, he saw the mouse frantically humping the elephant, and began to laugh. He laughed so hard he eventually dropped his coconut, and it bounced of the wall and hit the elephant clean on the head, THWACK!

The elephant yelled out "OOOooowwwww!!!!"

The mouse yelled "take it all, bitch!"

Ha!! I heard the same joke, but, the punchline was different, instead of 'Take it all, bitch!', the mouse said "Did I hurt ya, honey?"

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

What do a Christmas tree and a catholic priest have in common?

Balls are for ornament purpose only.

Breakup Excuses...
16 "Ow... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey... who are YOU?"

15 "I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator."

14 "I've got this disease... it's called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious."

13 "You're too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We're the same age? Well, that doesn't work for me, either."

12 "We're just so different, you and I. You're an extrovert, I'm an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I'm* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath."

11 "You've gone from 'sponge-worthy' to merely 'spongy.'"

10 "Dear Christine: By the time you read this I'll be a woman..."

9 "I have early-onset onanism."

8 "You're no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with."

7 "My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah-- on the subway, I think."

6 "Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don't even know who you ARE anymore!"

5 "My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture."

4 "It's not *you*, it's me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister."

3 "I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you're a snake and I'm a mongoose."

2 "We just don't have anything in common anymore -- you're a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike."

1 "I'm holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining."

Brings to mind this song:

Vanilla Ice Cream - Stephen Lynch

Have a seat and listen, please don't say a thing
The matters of the heart sometimes, the truth will have a sting
Just don't take it personally, this is no attack
But we will never last because I am white and you are...also white

I only like black girls the brown girls, the café au lait
Caramel girls, and mocca girls just blow me away
If you're a nubian, I want you to-be in every fantasy
But if you're a whitey, say nighty-nighty, your just not the girl for me

Oh I hate vanilla ice cream, I like chocolate instead
I hope she likes her soul food with a little Wonder Bread
Don't call it Jungle Fever cause that just isn't right
I am not a racist; some of my best friends are white

I just prefer black girls, the brown girls, the café au lait
The caramel girls and mocca girls just blow me away.
If you're a cracker, you better get blacker or else you best get out
It is no mystery, I like a sister see that's what I'm talkin about

Our wedding song will be "Ebony and Ivory"
and we'll sing Christmas carols round the old Kwanzaa tree
But color is not the issue here, it's dignity, it's class
It's all about her heart, okay it's partly about that ass
I want me some black girl, the brown girl, the café au lait
The caramel girls, and mocca girls, just blow me away
If you're a honky, you're singin the wrong key, it's the honest truth
The skin that she's dwellin in, must contain melanin, that is the Fountain of Youth.

Quote:

For those of you who are coming to our place for Thanksgiving dinner- Martha Stewart ain’t gonna be here! I’m telling you in advance, so don’t act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I’ve gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I’m sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hot line. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a. m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children’s recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don’t own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen Turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement.. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.

In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress “private” meaning: Do not, under any circumstances enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that “passing the rolls” is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this year. She probably won’t come next year either. I am thankful.

Cookies by Douglas Adams (author: "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy")

Quote:

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.

(Excerpted from "The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time" by Douglas Adams)

I sort of felt I had heard it before, but the punchline still got to me...
then came the sympathy line for the other guy.