How dare you insult me, I am the leader of the worlds largest exporter of Nuclear bombs!

http://www.nk-news.net/extras/insult_generator.php

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Get fucked.

(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) a sore ass


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

Spin
 

A professional genealogical researcher discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged in Montana in 1889 for horse stealing and train robbery. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1883, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

The researcher e-mailed Hillary Clinton @ NY.Gov for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters cropped Remus' picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it with image processing software, so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch read as follows:

"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Italian archbishop closes convent after nuns come to blows

A convent in southern Italy is being shut down after a quarrel among its last three remaining nuns ended in blows, press reports said Sunday.
Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista, reportedly upset about their mother superior's authoritarian ways, scratched her in the face and threw her to the ground at Santa Clara convent near Bari in an incident in July that was kept quiet until now.

Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri tried to reconcile the nuns but finally decided in late August that they had "clearly lost their religious vocation" and asked the Vatican for permission to close the convent.

Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista moved to another convent, but Sister Liliana barricaded herself inside, refusing to leave, the reports said, adding that she suspected Battista Pichierri of planning to cede the convent to another community.

Liliana has been at the convent since its founding in 1963.

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php...show_article=1

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
"What the ? " he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.


"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"



She shot back: "It's not talcum powder.
It's 'Miracle Grow.'"

Here's the version I got from hubby:

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
> 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
> would take a few inches off of your butt!!' His wife was not amused,
> and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
>
> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
> drawer.


> 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
> appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the
> bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
>
> She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder......it's' Miracle
> Grow'.

that one's better:D

Something for the weekend...
 

A man goes to his golf club and, hearing that his regular caddy will not be in that day, hires another caddy. The day goes along pretty well and the new caddy seems quite knowledgeable. Upon arriving at the 9th fairway, that has always been particularly tricky for the golfer, the man turns to the boy and asks, "Which club do you think I should use for this shot?"

The caddy says, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this fairway is the five iron."

The golfer gets out his five iron, lines up his shot, and hits the ball. He smacks it really hard and it veers way off to the right where his wife happens to be standing. It hits her in the head and she is killed instantly.

Months go by after his wife's funeral, and the man still can't think about golf. But after a year, he thinks, "I really loved the game. I shouldn't let it go out of my life. It was a freak accident. The game gave me such joy, I should at least try to play once more and see how it feels."

He goes back to the golf course, and as luck would have it, he gets the same caddy as last time. When they get to the 9th fairway, he turns to his caddy and says, "Which club do you think I should use?"

The caddy says, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this fairway is the five iron."

The man turns to the caddy and shouts, "You idiot! I played here a year ago and you told me to use the five iron and I completely missed the green."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

An older man approaches a younger woman inside the mall. "Excuse me," he said. "I've can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Sure, sir, do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere."

This one is old, but I like it.

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is celebrate not celibate," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

Also, it isn't a joke, per se, but I made this thing and everytime I look at it it makes me giggle.


http://a861.ac-images.myspacecdn.com...d4b3507a64.jpg
Titled; "My cat would like to tell me about the Burger King."

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill
didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had
a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was
unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but
one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
"For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"


Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"


"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"


"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"


"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The judge
gave me 30 days for perjury."

Lame Joke:

Did you hear about the cowboy with the wooden leg?
When the Indians caught him they staked him out on a termites nest.

Well I said it was lame, didn't I?

What do the police call a dead Frenchman they've pulled out of a lake?


Jean d'Eau.

What do you call a Frenchman who wears beach sandals ("thongs" to Australians)?

Philippe Faloppe

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a

truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his

imaginary truck and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some

rest."

That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another

patients' room

and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?"


To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in

Melbourne".

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No!!!!"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

For LJ:

http://www.chezwang.com/closer2.gif

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working
> together one day.
>
> They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each
> on
> you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
>
> The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
> land to be forever fertile in Canada."
>
> POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
> fertile for farming.
>
> Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan,
> Palestine,
> Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our
> our precious land."
>
> POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
> around those countries.
>
> The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
>
> The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
> completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's
> virtually
> impenetrable."
>
> The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with
> water."

Profound observation of the day:

THE MAN WHO OPENS HIS CAR DOOR FOR A WOMAN EITHER HAS A NEW CAR, ...OR A NEW WOMAN.

Supreme Court Gives Gore’s Nobel to Bush
Stunning Reversal for Former Veep

Just days after former Vice President Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts on global warming, the United States Supreme Court handed Mr. Gore a stunning reversal, stripping him of his Nobel and awarding it to President George W. Bush instead.

For Mr. Gore, who basked in the adulation of the Nobel committee and the world, the high court’s decision to give his prize to President Bush was a cruel twist of fate, to say the least.

But in a 5-4 decision, the justices made it clear that they had taken the unprecedented step of stripping Mr. Gore of his Nobel because President Bush deserved it more.

“It is true that Al Gore has done a lot of talking about global warming,” wrote Justice Antonin Scalia, writing for the majority. “But President Bush has actually helped create global warming.”

Even as Mr. Gore was being stripped of his Nobel, he received strong words of support from Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, who said that the former vice president’s Nobel win “shows that he is devoting his life to the right thing and should definitely stay the course.”

In an interview with reporters in Iowa, Sen. Clinton said that “Al Gore should remain dedicated to the cause of global climate change, at least through November of 2008.”

Sen. Clinton suggested that Mr. Gore could further research the source of global warming by immediately boarding a rocket ship to the sun.

PITTSBURGH -- Rescue crews freed a woman trapped under a sport utility vehicle in Brookline late Monday morning.

Police said the woman, whose name has not been released, feared her husband was cheating on her. They said she went to spy on him by crawling under an SUV outside her husband’s alleged girlfriend’s house in the 1300 block of Oakridge Street.

She apparently fell asleep under the vehicle and became trapped after someone let the air out of the tires.

Ray Ludchak was working on the house next door when he heard the woman’s cries for help. "I peered down to see a body beneath a vehicle," said Ludchak.

The couple has been married for 26 years. The woman was taken into custody to undergo a mental health evaluation.

Police are trying to determine who let the air out of the tires. So far, no charges have been filed.

http://www.wpxi.com/news/14342073/detail.html

Why you shouldn't flirt

A couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being
a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take
some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be
spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awoke without pain and
as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't
know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching
her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the
party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the
dance floor, dancing with every woman he could and copping a little feel
here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather
seductive lady herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his
time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was
her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in
her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
passionate sex in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away.

She was sitting up reading when her husband came in, so she asked what kind
of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare
room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad.
Apparently he had the time of his life!!"

hiw do you stop a baby going round in circles on your floor?



nail down its other hand

Welcome to the Cellar sikcboy. :D

:sick2: remember all the dead baby jokes?

Whats red and squirms in the corner?

A baby playing with a razor blade.


Whats green and sits in the corner?

The same baby 2 weeks later.


Whats blue and squirms in the corner?

A baby playing with a plastic bag!!!!


Whats red and squirms on the ceiling?

A baby on a playing on a meat hook.


:dedhorse:

Wanna know how sick i really am? :behead:

I THINK i made this one up, but i was :fumette: at the time.

Whats black and squirms in the corner?

A freshly skinned baby in a black bin liner full of salt!!!

:vomit: :thankyou:

Bush Seeks to Ban Marriage Between Fictitious Gay Characters
Harry Potter Revelation Prompts President’s Move

Just days after “Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling revealed that the popular professor character Albus Dumbledore was gay, President George W. Bush told the nation that he would seek a ban on fictitious gay weddings.

In a nationally televised address last night, Mr. Bush said that he will devote the rest of his term in office to obtaining a constitutional amendment banning marriage between fictitious gay characters.

“In order to protect the sanctity of marriage in the real world, we must first protect the sanctity of marriage in fiction,” Mr. Bush said. “This is the most pressing goal of my Administration – even more important than bombing Iran.”

While the president’s address was for the most part consistent with his earlier statements on gay marriage, it was uncharacteristic in that it demonstrated an awareness of books.

And in attacking the Mr. Dumbledore’s right to wed, Mr. Bush may have raised the ire of one of the most militant constituencies in the U.S.: Harry Potter fans.

Jude Ralston, 34, one of over 5,000 Potter devotees who dressed as Dumbledore to protest the president’s speech outside the White House last night, said that Mr. Bush could be playing with fire: “Harry Potter fans take these things very seriously, and we don’t have anything else going on in our lives.”

As for Dumbledore’s gayness, Mr. Ralston said that he had overlooked obvious clues the first time he read the books: “I, like, totally missed that scene in the airport bathroom.”

Which is easier to unload - a truck full of babies or a truck full of B-Bs?

A truck full of babies - you can use a pitchfork.

Not to step on anyone's humour, but shouldn't these be in the Offensive Jokes thread?

No.

:neutral: that's where the other dead baby jokes are

ten ways to describe a group of disabeld people

A day centre of ...

An embarrassment of ...

An inconvenience of ...

A burden of ...

A tragedy of ...

A caseload of ...

A busload of ...

A dependency of ...

A medication of ...

An abnormality of ...
:wheelchr:

did you hear about the six iraqi thalidomides arreseted at heathrow airport?

they were arrested for smuggling small arms.
:apistola:

Ten good things about having short arms

You don’t have to use your hands to wipe yer bum
(now that’s got you all thinking ...)

Your hands keep your boobs warm in cold weather.

Someone else always offers to carry the shopping.

You can get out of applauding (it’s a strange thing to do anyway ...)

You’ve got a good excuse for not putting up Christmas decorations.

No one ever nicks your jackets.

You never have to haggle over the arm rest in the cinema.

If you’re fighting with someone, they just hold their arm out straight to your forehead and you’re stuffed.

Handcuffs don’t reach (although this might be a disadvantage!)

You never bang your funny bone.



Ten bad things about having short arms

You can’t pull your knickers out of yer bum crack.

You can’t reach your wine glass if it’s the other side of your plate.

Holding small print at arms length to read just doesn’t work.

When cleaning the loo, you have to put your head down the pan.

People presume that someone else has to wipe your bum.

If you put something out of reach of a child, they can still reach it.

You regularly burn your nipples whilst ironing.

You can’t hail a taxi without running into the road in front of it.

Lighting fireworks at arms length is risky.

Throwing a punch at someone doesn’t do much damage.

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around
the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the
window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to
the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class
wankhole please... you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The
barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you
sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert
in the cuntting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.' The manager
is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for
a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune
he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet
utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful,
wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me prime
minister but I just fucked your daughter, and now the bitch is
blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively". 'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a
powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his salty teardrops asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the arse
you get shit on your bell-end.' I see' says the manager, 'Have you got
any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do
you want me to split your ringhole", or there's the epic "I don't care
if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the
manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title of
your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that
you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it'
says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going
superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is
being received as modesty.

The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is
a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling'
that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to 'relax
himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being
re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes
his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde
approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in
the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your
penis is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto
your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

I fucking wrote it!!!'

I think these should be moved too.

This poster has posting nothing but this drivel. troll/attention whore, I suspect.

:2cents:

Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?



Answer : Princess Diana's death.


Question : How come?


Answer :



An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French

tunnel, driving a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by

a Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese

chips, and a

Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian

lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a
bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for
the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had
gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken
spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition,
the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time
to save his frien d 's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of
the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's
bik e, the chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the
powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best
Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon he
too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large
puddle. Looking underneath he told the chicken to grab his hangy-
down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out,
savin g his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a
moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To
Pick Up Chicks."

How to get a Lesbian to stop smoking

Attachment 15450

"An Australian barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts while an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend's nipples, police said Wednesday. Police in Western Australia said the 31-year old barmaid pleaded guilty in the local magistrate's court to twice exposing her breasts to patrons at the Premier Hotel in Pinjarra, south of the state capital, Perth.
The woman "is alleged to have also crushed beer cans between her breasts during one of the offences," in breach of hotel licensing laws, police from the Peel district of Western Australia said in a statement. The barmaid and the hotel manager were both fined A$1,000 ($900), while an off-duty barmaid was fined A$500 for helping to hang spoons from the woman's nipples, police said."

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his Awards and Decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action.

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Don't ya love military time?

hey dude, TheMercenary? Don't ya love military time? that joke,serving, ex service contract killer? you been to arrse?

jesus walks into an inn puts three nails down on the bar and asks,
can you put me up for the night?

Love it, Merc. I may have to tell that one around here.

I think this may have been seen before - but worth a second appearance even if so....

Of course, CF... but why are you posting it in the humor thread? Is there something I'm missing?

Oh, he's such a fashion maven...the clashing colors just crack him up!

Try this instead then - and not a colour on sight!:

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested
we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he
hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to
what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was
going to come in; he hesitated but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved
him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't
follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love.
He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he
was going to leave me and that he had found someone
else. I cried myself to sleep.


Read on...................





















MANS DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

England lost to South Africa. Gutted. Got a shag though.

We Brits have a strange sense of humour - I mean ' pussies' - cracks me up!

Actually, I thought it was really funny. I was just playing the clueless American.

yup

Could we send that map to Miss Teen South Carolina? :dunce:

Very funny :)

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breathe.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..."Look Paddy...there's that f..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
Morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them
Are hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....about women
Drivers; the woman says,
'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our
Cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
Should meet and be friends and
Live together in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies,
'Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! But
You're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues,

'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished
But this bottle of wine didn't break.


Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
Opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
It back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with us.

Doctor to aging patient: you say you are having trouble with your waterworks, then - how often do you go?
Aging patient: I go regularly every morning at 6.00 am..
Doctor: Really - that's very good. So where's the problem?
Patient: I don't wake up until 7.00 am

Bush Issues "Thankfulness List"

In a special pre-Thanksgiving radio address broadcast from the White House, President George W. Bush asked his fellow Americans to join him in giving thanks for the following things:

“My fellow Americans, let’s be thankful for global warming, because as these winter months approach, it makes the world such a nice, toasty place.

“Let’s be thankful for all of the food on our tables, unless some of it is from China.

“Let’s be thankful that Pakistan will have free and fair elections, and maybe someday we will, too.

“Let’s be thankful for the iPhone, except for those losers who actually paid full price for it.

“Let’s be grateful that I didn’t take out a subprime mortgage on the White House like Mr. Cheney told me to.

“Let's be thankful that nuclear weapons haven’t fallen into the hands of the wrong people, like Nancy Pelosi or Rosie O’Donnell.

“Let’s be thankful that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert’s writers are on strike, and hopefully will stay that way for the rest of my term in office.

“Let's be thankful that even though my approval numbers are falling, they’re still higher than my grades at Yale.

“Let’s be thankful that Osama bin Laden dyed his hair in his last video, because that made him look really gay.

“Let's be thankful for Guitar Hero III, which really helps you get through those long Cabinet meetings when they're going on and on about the economy.

“Let's be thankful that our military commanders have nothing bad to say about the war in Iraq until after they’re retired.

“Let's be thankful that in nine months it will be August and then I can go on summer vacation again.

“And finally, my fellow Americans, let's be thankful that, even though Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize, I’m still a lock for the Nobel War Prize.”

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back
yard and having a glass of wine along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This
happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?" And I heard the reply: "Men
find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard
to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil." And the reply
was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can
be used for good or bad."

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked
it. "Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied, "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart
and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor,
but now, I have to finish your lawn."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.



The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.


Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. "

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s * *t."