Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

A mom was cleaning her son's bedroom & found bondage & fetish mags. She asks her husband what to do. He replies 'whatever u do don't f****n spank him!'

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

This has probably been posted already but it's worth another run.

Blasphunny:

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer
Demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The
Motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's
Ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in
The lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy
Signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy
Points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember
That you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad
Driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer
To represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man
Run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature
And mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
Ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir?
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

He said She said ,,,,,,,,

He said to me ..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him ..... You wear underwear don't you?

He said to me ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said.... That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.

He said to me.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ..... They don't have time.

He said to me..... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him ..... I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me..... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
I said to him ..... They already have boyfriends.

He said.....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said..... A widow.

He said to me..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him ..... Single women come home, check the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

:D

Nice to see you again, tora.

Good to see you too