1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion

And that's when the wife shot him!

Punny! :)

My new favorite joke of all time. For now.

I am so laughing as I post this! :lol::lol2:



> HAVE YOU EVER
> BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I
> CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
> WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
>
> MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
> FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
> I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
> SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
> NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
>
>
> COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
> UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
> THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO
> OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM
> IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
>
> 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
> 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
>
> HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
>
> 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
>
>
> THEN, THAT
>
> UGLY,
>
> OLD,
>
> BALD,
>
> WRINKLED,
>
> FAT ASS,
>
> GREY-HAIRED,
>
> DECREPIT,
>
> SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME :
>
>
> 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!"

So these 2 ants crawl up on a naked woman who is sleeping.

One crawls in her back door, the other in her front door and fall asleep.

While talking the next morning, the ant in back says, "I slept fine except it was pretty windy back here."

The ant in front says, "I had a horrible night. Some big bald headed son of a bitch broke through the front door and puked all over me!"

probably not it's first appearance in this thread but reduce, reuse, recycle, right?

A young girl is sitting in the hair salon with her mother, eating a twinkie while her mother get her hair cut. When her turn comes, the girl brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the stylist covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite.
The hairdresser is snipping away and warns "You're going to get hair on your twinkie,"
"Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm going to get boobies, too."

hAHAHAHA!

Might be another oldie:

A woman is thinking of putting a loved one in a nursing home. She is taking a tour of one, when she noted a male patient being given a hand job by a nurse.

What is going on? she asks. The staff member explains that if that man doesn't ejaculate every 4 hours, he will die. Rare, but it happens.

So they head down another hallway. In another room, a male patient is being given a blow job by a nurse.

"What in the world?" she asks.

"I know, it's really rare, but we have two patients who will die if they don't ejaculate every 4 hours."

"Well, how come the first guy was getting a hand job and this one is getting a blow job?"

The staff member replied "This guy has better insurance."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him.....












A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

Just. Wow.:cool:

Apple Does it Again


Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them..

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.....
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?








Sum Ting Wong