A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an
airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is
it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?' To which
the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich..' The priest nodded in
understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you
remain celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still
very much a part of our faith.' The rabbi then asked him,
'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the
flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occason I
was weak and broke with my faith.' The rabbi nodded
understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about
five minutes.
Finally,the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham
sandwich, doesn't it?'

A Romanian accountant is working for the mob and decides to embezzle several million dollars. He's caught and getting worked over by the mob but he only speaks Romanian, so they get a translator to help interrogate him.

The boss says, "Tell him if he doesn't tells us where the money is, we're going to kill him."
The translator gives the message to the accountant.
The accountant gives in and says, "I buried it under my shed."
The translator looks at the mob boss and says, "He told you to go fuck yourself."

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the f**kin' skippin"

Bwaaaahahahahah

oh come on...... a little repetition is inevitable, but a quick and simple search shows that at least classicman and crimson ghost have already posted this one in this thread. Is it a right-wing christian right of passage that you must tell this joke? :p:

Better than having ya bits trimmed!

Now here's this...

How many flies does it take to screw in a Lightbulb?






















Two, the trick is getting them in the lightbulb.

IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

I can't remember. It was decades ago.

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire engine with lights flashing and a wailing siren at full blast zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat next to the driver of the fire engine was a Dalmatian.
The children, never having seen a dog in a fire engine before, started to discuss what the dog might be for.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Several more ideas were put forward and an animated discussion soon ensued when a little girl who had sat quietly throughout the discussion and deep in thought finally brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Little Johnny's Sister
 

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern,
Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile,
Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mom fainted.

Ahhh, INTO the mouths of babes.

For Nirvana...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with an orange cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150
just to tell me my duck is dead ?!?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's
now $150."

:shock: