I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

I'm using this joke tonight, if I may?

Actually there was a bunch of Obama bashing in front of that part.
I deleted it all. I think its funnier this way, but hey thats just me.

Use whatever you want.

Well, my brother will like it if I leave in the 'bama bash. I like it better this way too, though.

That whole simplicity thing. ;)

FWIW - here is the intro.

In white to protect the innocent... whoever they may be.

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel
"Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said,
" Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

A Letter To Jessie James

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.
She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself?

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.

~Tiger

wrong thread ;)

Subject: To the greatest drummer in the world...



In the summer of 1969, a mail sorter at a New York post office received a letter addressed "To The Greatest Drummer in the World." There was no address or return address and the sorter wasn't sure what to do.



Fortunately, there was a former drummer who worked the front counter of the Post Office who promptly found Max Roach's address and forwarded the letter. Max Roach received the letter and said, "Oh no, I'm not the greatest drummer in the world." Max then promptly forwarded the letter to Gene Krupa, who said "Somebody must've made a mistake." Gene then forwarded the letter on to Buddy Rich.




Of course, Buddy had been waiting his entire life for that moment. He read the words "To The Greatest Drummer in the World" and smiled from ear-to-ear as he ripped open the envelope.



He began to read the letter, "Dear Ringo...."

When I heard it, it was the greatest violinist, Jascha Heifitz, Fritz Kreisler, and Isaac Stern.

Who was it written too?

Buddy Rich could be hard on his bandmates.

A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?"

Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up.

A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?"

"No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone.

Ten minuted later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said.

She recognised his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone.

Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked.

Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!"

The horn player admitted, "I just love hearing you say it."

Jack Benny?

This is not a music thread

Now that's funny.

A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage answers "Yes". The robber promptly shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did".




The blonde screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick, my house is on fire!"
The fire chief says, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"
The blonde says, "Duh, use the Red Truck."