He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants, don't you?

He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea -- you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!

He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
She said . . They already have boyfriends.

She said . . What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . A widow.

He said . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Guy walks into a bar and says "All lawyers are assholes".
This big fellow in a suit whips around and says "Hey, I resent that".
"Yeah, well are you a lawyer?" he's ask.
"No" says the big guy, "I'm an asshole."

Some good insults and quotes

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)|

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend...if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” -Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won 't cure." -Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder

“I was to f*cking busy, and vice versa.” -Dorothy Parker

HLJ, those were great. Here are some others though I don't remember the attributions.

"Hello" he lied.

An empty car drove up and ____________ got out.

He showed me his library and books of which he had a complete set.

Thibideaux said, "Hey Boudreaux, if I slept with your wife
and got her pregnant, and she had a baby, would that make
us relatives? or what would that make us?"

"Even" said Boudreaux

This old favourite was recalled at the weekend…


This English guy is recommended by a friend to eat at a special restaurant in an old bull-fighting town in central Spain, and to do so on a Sunday.

So the guy books a table for himself and dutifully turns up. The place is full and he notices one lone diner sitting at a table set on a raised platform. He doesn’t take too much notice of him, though, and sets to ordering his meal.

As the waiter is finishing taking his order the restaurant lights suddenly dim, a spotlight falls on the lone diner, and a red carpet is rolled from the kitchen door to his table. Then six fanfare trumpeters appear and, three each side of the carpet, they sound a rousing flourish on their instruments.

The kitchen doors open and out walk four waiters each supporting a large covered silver salver, one at each corner so to speak. As they slowly traverse the red carpet towards the raised table, the other diners are on their feet shouting: ‘Ole! Ole! Ole’ with every step they take.

The lone diner sets his arms wide, a knife in one hand and a fork in the other, waiting enthusiastically. The waiters reach the table and gently set the salver in front of him. As the head waiter’s hand grasps the handle of the cover a hush falls across the restaurant. Then he lifts the cover to reveal two of the largest meatballs you have ever seen. The crowd is now shouting even loader ‘Ole!, Ole!, Ole!’

Eventually the noise subsides and the diner slices into the first meatball with his knife and fork.

‘What was all that about?’ asks the English guy to his waiter, ‘that was amazing!’

‘Ahh,’ says the waiter, ‘it is the tradition of the house. We have the special arrangement with the bullring and we get the criadillas, the testicles, from the prize bull after the final fight of the day. Then they are cooked and ceremoniously served immediately after the bull fight is over, as you have seen, to the diner who has reserved the special table.’

‘That IS amazing!’ says the English guy, ‘I must reserve the table for myself..’

‘Sadly, senor, there is a long wait, and I will not be able to let you have a table for several weeks…’

The guy is not to be put off however, and he books a table some 3 months away.

All the time he is looking forward to his meal and eventually the day arrives. He enters the restaurant, and he takes his place on the raised table. All eyes are upon him. After about ten minutes the ceremony starts. The lights dim, the spotlight falls upon him, the trumpeters sound their fanfare and the waiters enter with the large salver. ‘Ole! Ole! Ole!’ scream the other diners. The guy’s heart is pounding as the salver is placed upon the table, and then the head waiter lifts the cover to reveal… two extremely small meatballs.

‘Hey, what’s this?’ shouts the perplexed Englishman ‘I didn’t order these,. I ordered two bull’s testicles, not these tiny things. What’s going on?’

‘Aahh, senor’ says the waiter, ‘You see… you have to appreciate… sometimes… the bull… he wins!’

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet"
in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "Does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church.
So he sent this reply.

Dear Madam:
The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them.

Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany
you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.
Camp Director

"KIiss me" the client said to her lawyer.

"Really I shouldn't" he replies.

"Please kiss me"

"It wouldn't be right".

"Just kiss me, come on just once, kiss me" she pleads.

"Kiss you, kiss you, I shouldn't even be fucking you".

Apologies if you have been there already...

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell
where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have
no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to
let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad
as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large
pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a
good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time
after time. >"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."










The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday.

She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has taught him over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But, you do realize, don't you, that he's just saying the words? He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's OK," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she asked. Shaking her head in disdain she asked, "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like
to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at Duke Medical Center , Durham , North Carolina

whats blue and fucks old people?
me in my lucky blue coat.

In a dog park in a very chic Manhattan neighborhood, three dogs get together to chat, and the subject of what breed they are comes up.

The first dog says, "well, my mother was a cocker spaniel and my father was a poodle, so I'm a Cockapoo. We're very trendy."

The second dog puts his nose in the air and says, "Well, that's nice. Personally, my father was a purebred pug and my mother was an award-winning beagle, making me a Puggle. We're the latest thing in L.A."

The third dog looks very uncomfortable and starts trying to change the subject. "Come on, just tell us," the other dogs keep saying. Finally, he gives in.

"Well, my father was a Bull Terrier and my mother was a Shi Tzu..."

"Mommy, Mommy! -- what's an orgasm?"

"I don't know; ask your father."

What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?


One of them says "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" and the other says "Hey! McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who
remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful Company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where
he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
male stripper at a gay nightclub. "The three friends said: "What a shame...
what a disappointment.

"The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And, he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks
ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!

An American purchases and moves into a very remote farmhouse in the Shetland Islands. One, two, three months go by and he sees no one. Finally, there's a knock on the door. When the American answers it, he sees a wild-looking bear of a man practically filling the door frame, rough wool sweater, rough full beard and a rough accent.

"I'm here to invite ye t' a paaarty."

"Well! That's very nice of you, I'd love to come to a party."

"But I have to warn ye, it'll be a wild Shetland paarty. There will be wild Shetland dancing."

"I'm light on my feet; when I was in college I enjoyed going to all the dances."

"There's goin' t' be a fight. There's aaalllways a fight."

"I can hold my own; in the army I was boxing champion of the whole battalion."

"There'll be sex afterward. Wild Shetland sex."

"I haven't seen anyone in three months; I'm looking forward to a little female companionship."

"Well, all right then. It's settled."

"It's settled. What should I wear?"

"Just come as ye are--it's only goin' t' be you and me."

Another golden oldie...

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.

She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

++++

What do you call Bob the Builder after he retires?






























Bob. :)

why dont black people dream?


coz the last one who had a dream got assassinated.

OK...I'm ashamed to say I laughed out loud when I read that one.

I'm going to have to do pennance now.

It's an ad, but still amusing.

am i going straight to hell for laughing at that?

as an ordained minister in the church of life .... you are forgiven.

i wrote it .... you only read it. :cool:

well yeah

you're screwed;)

A Buddhist went to a Pizza-Hut. When asked by the waiter what he wanted, he smiled and said "Make me one with everything!"

Anyone that didn't find the humour in that, has a serious problem. If they thought it was funny, but were embassed they did, gotta lighten up.

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

what the hell.. here's another.
 

THE LEWINSKY and KACZYNSKI


The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the "Style Invitational." The requirements one week were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in the same limerick. The following winning entries were printed in the newspaper.


Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky,
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky.
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress;
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky."


And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.

Phil here's the version I heard:

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor, hands him a $5 and asks, "make me one with everything"; the hotdog vendor gives him his hotdog and when the Buddhist asks for his change the vendor replies "change comes from within." :right:

heres a long one but it's one of my all time favorites:

A man goes to Las Vegas and loses everything but his plane ticket home. Trying to get home, he leaves the casino and sees a lone taxi cab waiting for customers, parked in front. He approaches the cab driver and asks how much a ride to the airport costs. When the driver replies the fare will cost $16 dollars, the man begins pleading his case to the driver, explaining his poor luck, and that he promises to pay the driver back, once home. The driver, having heard this type of story before, promptly kicks the man out of his taxi and tells the man to get lost. The man ends up walking all the way to the airport just in time to catch his flight. Some time goes by and the young man decides to press his luck in Vegas once again. This time his luck changes and he wins a very large sum of money. After cashing out the man decides to take his winnings and go home. When he steps outside the casino, this time he sees twenty cabs all lined up waiting for customers. He recognizes the last cab driver in the line, as the man who so rudely turned him down during his last visit. The young man, wanting payback, approaches the very first cab in line, instead. Once in the cab the man asks the cabbie "hey, how much for a ride to the airport?" To which the cabbie replies "that'll be $16 bucks", to which the young man replies "and how much would it cost me for you to give a blowjob the entire way there?" Infuriated the cab drivers says "get the fuck outta my cab before I beat the shit outta you, you fuckin faggot!" The young man immediately gets out of the first cab and jumps into the second cab and begins to ask the same questions, to which he receives the same response. The young man does this again to the third cab, fourth cab, and every single cab until he reaches the last cab, who happens to be the driver who treated him so poorly during his last visit. Once inside it becomes apparent the driver doesn't recognize him, so the young man asks "hey buddy, how much is it for a ride to the airport?" The driver replies "That's gonna cost you $16 bucks." The man says "sounds good" and the driver starts the car and gets ready to bring the man to his destination. As the driver begins pulling away from all the other taxi's in line, the young man rolls his window down, and gives them all a big smile and two thumbs up.

i like that one better. :D

That's awesome!

Why did the feminist cross the street?





To give me a blow job. :D

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?


A: A rumor

Alternative answer:

A: A myth, because a rumor has a chance of actually being true.

(Although, the intelligent, good looking, sensitive man I live with is most definitely real!)

Alternative answer #2:

teh ghey

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?


A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"
or
even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz
in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time
the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great
fire
of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels
in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated
by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level
of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks ov er and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while fighting in Iraq, and the leader of their captors said: "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."

The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."

The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."

The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..."

A redneck farm hand radios back to his boss,
the farm manager:

"Boss, I gotta big problem here. I hit a pig
with the pickup. The pig's ok but he's stuck in the
bull bar at the front of my pickup and is wriggling and
quealing so much I can't get him out".

The manager says, "OK there's a 303 behind the seat,
take it out and shoot the pig in the head and
you'll be able to remove him".

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back.
"I did as you said, Boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig
in the head and removed him from the bull-bars.
No problem there, but I still can't go on."

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager..
"Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing
blue light is stuck under the right front wheel.

You still there Boss?"

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road.
So he decides to pull over and on approaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS. He shrugs it off and enters.
He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks.
"No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glasses.
The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away.
"What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker.
"Well," the bartender answers, "It's nerd season."
"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season."
So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.

A few miles down the highway the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks.
To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get around, but swerve's to hard, so his trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road.
He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can.
He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this.
Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.

While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"
"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season?"
"Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"

that's funny - i even snorted

There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa, when It suddenly had a malfunction and went down.
A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane and found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew.
They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals, so they walked up to the chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The chief says, "Yeah".
When asked where the crew was the chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi", which shocked the rescue crew.
One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi".
After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added,
"Did you...you know... eat their.... things"?
The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers.
"NO", replied the chief, "THINGS go better with COKE!"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo (the huntchback of Notre Dame) said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says. "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell

uh guh guh guh (think popeye):D

FUNERAL PROCESSION:

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee
when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse,
about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a
solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back,
were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and
I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the
two women. "Can I borrow the dog?"




"Get in line."

I heard this with a different punch-line:

"well, yeah, but you're two over your limit"

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her
about a new procedure called "The Knob," where
a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's
head and could be turned to tighten up her skin
and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened
the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the
woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the
surgeon with two problems. "All these years,
everything has been working just fine. I've had
to turn the knob many times and I've always loved
the results. But now I've developed two annoying
problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking
about the goatee?"

What did the gangsta say after three houses fell on him?

Get off me, Homes!

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

Essentialist Explanations - a collection of "definitions" of various languages. Some are excellent, some are pushing it a bit.

Some examples:
"Dutch sounds like a drunk Englishman speaking German."
"Flemish is, as its name phonetically suggests, essentially Dutch while vomiting"
"Australian English is essentially what happens to you after living in isolation for too long."
"Scots is essentially English, only funnier."
"Cat is essentially the endless repetition of the phrase "Now! Now!"