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The Cellar (http://cellar.org/index.php)
-   Relationships (http://cellar.org/forumdisplay.php?f=34)
-   -   Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce. (http://cellar.org/showthread.php?t=9688)

lookout123 03-12-2006 09:29 PM
ooh ooh. how about Bloodlet's WHITNEY. it is a song about the guys ex.... and a plan to keep her tied up underneath the tour bus for the next tour. uh, that may be a little dark.

kerosene 03-12-2006 10:08 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pie
Since I don't have kids, this question is purely academic to me -- is it even possible to work out your own child support arrangements with your ex, instead of having the state dictate it?
Yes. Perth and I decided on our own support arrangements (none), as well as the parenting agreement (50% each). Judge didn't blink.

kerosene 03-12-2006 10:10 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elspode
As the resident physiopsycho-sexual therapy recommender in this thread, I just want to say that, with a good lawyer on your side, you'll need to worry *far* less about who you see for a bit of mutually agreeable adult shagging that your ex will need to worry about the whole substance abuse issue. And, if things get nasty, that sort of stuff will come up, but I still say that level headed adult behavior beats being a hopped up single mom any day.

By all means, be discreet, be adult, be mature...but I don't believe you have to be celibate. It isn't like you're going to be putting on a Copenhagen sex show in the tot's playroom, after all. Your mental health (and a healthy sex life, especially in times of stress like this, is a critical component of mental health) is going to be sorely tested during the divorce and subsequent years. (Don't think for a moment that once the divorce is done that your agony with her stops...you have a child together, and whatever *you* think is best for that child is likely to be diametrically opposed to what she thinks, even if she might have thought you right before the divorce).

You're going to need to take care of your self-esteem and your positive self-image in order to be the man you're going to need to be.

Rock on, my brother.
Thank you, Elspode. I wish I had had the eloquence to tell my husband this 2 years ago when he was going through this situation. Your posts continue to provide necessary inspiration.

kerosene 03-12-2006 10:20 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clodfobble
Oh, pretty darn rarely, I would guess. Like you said, most people getting divorced can't agree on anything. Even if they start the process with the best intentions, a lot of people can be convinced by friends and lawyers that they're being taken advantage of or need to get nasty to get "what they deserve". Anecdotally, I think perth and case had a mutually-agreed on situation set up for their son, with very little court involvement. It's really the best way to go about it, but not a lot of people can pull it off. Most women aren't capable of freely letting their ex care for the children for any amount of time, even when they openly admit he's a perfectly good parent.
Mutual agreement in divorce is a rarety. Perth and I were lucky we were able to put our anger and differences aside long enough to make the agreements we did. I remember being a minority in a state ordered "parenting through divorce" class where women were asking "how do I keep my ex from seeing my kid?" and "how do I get a restraining order so I can get custody" and men asking "How do I keep her from letting her boyfriend around my kid?" I feel sorry for the kids caught in these situations, as well as the parents. The kids really are the only ones who truly suffer lasting consequences, though. I would suppose a lot of the adults out there crying "why did my daddy leave me?" were once children caught in these situations. Sure, there are a good number of dads that don't want any involvement in their kids' lives, but from all of the divorced dads I have known, that is also a rarety. The system is just so screwed up, that alot of them don't even bother, knowing they will be throwing good child support money to try and get a couple more nights a year with their kid.

I swear, I would love to get more involved in father's rights issues if I could only get through and into law school.

kerosene 03-12-2006 10:37 PM
One more thing before I stop spamming this thread:

Hang in there, Lookout. You have a lot of friends (even if virtual) on your side. Keep us updated on the situation and we may even be able to give you some tips..which you can take or not...it just helps to have some support in these things. Thanks for being so open and sharing your experiences. And like Elspode more eloquently stated: Be good to yourself. No matter what, remember you are a great father and a wonderful person. Don't let the legal system or your ex make you feel any differently.

mrnoodle 03-13-2006 11:42 AM
Hey lookout, have you gotten in a divorce support group yet? I hate support groups too. But the divorce ones are pretty effective at helping you sort through the train wreck of emotions you're feeling right now.

lookout123 03-13-2006 07:48 PM
not yet. right now i am giving her rope to hang herself with.

Mrs Lookout: "i was thinking of going out with the girls tonight"

me: "sure honey, i wasn't planning on going anywhere tonight - go out with the girls if you want. have a good night." *feverishly documenting the 8 hours she chose to be in the bar with the girls rather than home with her son. also documenting the hours she couldn't play with him the next day while nursing hangover*

i am choosing to spend every possible moment at home with my son. mostly because i just want to be with him. partly because i don't want any situation where they can say "lookout - could you have spent ___ hours with your son, but you chose to go ____?"

marichiko 03-13-2006 07:56 PM
Go for it, Lookout! Document, document, document! You do NOT want lil Lookout shoved off on some sullen teenager while the former Mrs. L goes out partying while you are not around. You also do not want him to wander around the kitchen unattended the next morning and decide to bake a cake which contains flour, sugar, 12 eggs with shells and gasoline - a recipe I concocted at age 4 when my own Dad was away and the Momster was sleeping in late. I damn near blew up the entire neighborhood (guess I started young, eh?).

xoxoxoBruce 03-13-2006 08:15 PM
As your interactions with the 7 year bitch become more distasteful, the better the idea of being away from her will look.
I hope.:ipray:

kerosene 03-14-2006 04:11 PM
Great job, Lookout! Your son, your peace of mind, and your case will all benefit from that dedication. And you have the added benefit of getting rid of her when she goes out with the girls. Works out pretty well, if you think about it.

mrnoodle 03-15-2006 12:39 PM
Last night in beer class (only 59 more to go), they made us watch "When a Man Loves a Woman". Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia. Good movie -- your soon to be ex-wife is displaying a lot of the alcoholic tendencies that Ryan did with her character.

Worth a screening sometime, perhaps.

marichiko 03-20-2006 08:50 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by slang
Since I've totally hijacked this thread, why not go all the way.

Imagine for just one second that I actually care in that forum sort of way because in that way, I do.

We're polar opposites on most issues and that's fine. I'm not harassing you but asking a serious question that I would think other people might ask themselves about you as well.

I've not ever met someone with as much bad luck as you and I'm sincerely sorry for your string of bad luck....

You told me about the bad....but what I'm asking is if you have ever made out on the winning side of anything?

Have you ever been happy, even if for just one moment?

Get defensive if you like, I'm just asking. Sure I could ignore you, that's easy. I'm just trying to understand you and some of the things that you describe.

There was a time a year or more ago that you were applying for a job. Whether that ever came through or not I dont know...but in a way I was hoping that you did get that job. If nothing more so that something would actually start going your way.

For God's sake I hope they do. You sound like you're in need of some good luck.

There are people out there that are rooting for you, I'm sure.

They're just afraid to out loud because you might accidently kill them not knowing their well wishes :lol:
And by the way, Slang, try reading this. ;)

LabRat 03-21-2006 02:43 PM
I salute you for spending time with your son, and agree with the documenting part. I assume all 3 of you are still living under the same roof; how is your son doing? My thoughts are with you.

Trilby 03-21-2006 03:38 PM
Lookout: the wife is a burgeoing alcoholic. My best vibes are with you, man. This is no easy disease--it's a bitch and it changes the brain chemisty-look, I know you know this. Just keep on doing what you are doing and love the little guy.

lookout123 03-21-2006 10:46 PM
i think she may be using cocaine again. i have no physical proof and she certainly wouldn't submit to a test, but i've just got a nagging suspicion.

the decision making processes have gotten more screwey again and (i know it sounds weird) her scent has changed. i am really sensitive to smell and i noticed the mornng after she went out with the girls that she skin smelled differently. i vaguely remember that smell from the bad old days. none of the other physical evidence is there though, so who knows...

i do know that 3 out of the last 9 nights she hasn't gotten home until AT LEAST 2:45 AM. yep, that is definitely responsible adult living there, let me tell you. pretty sure she hooked up with one of the MLB ball players in town for spring training.

i'm just loving life. we are stuck in the same house because we still haven't agreed on custody issues and if i move out i might as well just forfeit my demands for primary custody.

life sucks. but as the bulimic says after a meal, "this too shall pass."


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