Dementia- short and sweet...
 

*

What do you do with an epileptic lettuce?

Put some bacon with it and call it a seizure salad.

:lol2:

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride.

Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "Well I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Tiger N Santa
 

*

A doctor dies and goes to hell where the devil greets him and tells him that since he was a doctor, and did some good, that he could choose his eternity.

The devil opens the first door. There are doctors hanging from their ankles being whipped by demons.

“Oh my God, I don’t want that,” the doctor replies.

The devil opens a second door to reveal doctors on fire being chased by huge beasts.

“That one is even worse!” says the doctor, getting more nervous.

The devil opens a third door to reveal doctors in lounge chairs being served tropical drinks by gorgeous, scantily clad nurses.

“Sign me up for that eternity!” the doctor states.

The devil then slams that door and says, “You can’t go there, you weren’t supposed to see that.”

The doctor asks, “Why can’t I go there?”

The devil replies, “Well . . . that’s nurse hell.”

I am so pissed off. I bought Tiger's book, entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it was about golf. :mad:

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
“It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age,” the neighbor said.
“Sexuality my ass!” The mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got off cheap this year, got my kid a piece of cardboard for Christmas.
Why he wanted an “ex-box”, I’ll never know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"9-11."
"9-11 who?"
"You said you’d never forget!"

OK, we've established what you are; now let's haggle over price.:p

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCH UNIT...
(or what i call the star chamber)

1. Schizophrenia -- Do I Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....

6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming To Town To Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, and I Don't Know Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.....

Stumbled upon:

You can call me whatever you want for $330 million no haggling necessary ;)

Will you take a check?;)

A man took his dog to the vet and told him the dog had a piece of lettuce sticking out of his butt. He asked, "Is this serious, doc?" The vet examined the dog and said, " I`m afraid this is only the tip of the iceberg."

Our first dog took a liking to kleenex. More than once I had to pull a wad of kleenex out of her hinder because it wouldn't pass. That was not my favorite chore.