LJ wins - it's Kwice
And thanks for the welcome!

I hadn't seen this one in the thread...
 

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:









'You got Male!

Children writing about the ocean--
 

> > 1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
> > (Kelly, age 6)
> >
> > 2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
> >
> > 3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island .
> > If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
> > ( Wayne , age 7)
> >
> > 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just
> > like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
> > (Kylie, age 6)
> >
> > 5) - A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of
> > its head. (Billy, age 8)
> >
> > 6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a
> > woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
> >
> >
> > 7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds
> > to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow
> > the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.
> > My brother said they would have been better off
> > eating beans. (William, age 7)
> >
> > 8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids.
> > They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on
> > earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really (Helen, age 6)
> >
> > 9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby
> > brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my
> > Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't
> > think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
> >
> > 10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.
> > Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in
> > caves under the sea where I think they have to plug
> > themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
> >
> > 11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very
> > cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
> >
> > 12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the
> > water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go
> > down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
> >
> > 13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off
> > when she was going very fast. She says she won't do
> > it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.
> > (Julie, age 7)
> >
> > 14)-The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the
> > fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
> >
> > 15)-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all
> > about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit
> > being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

kids are great :)

Early Dismissal
 

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.


Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

A Tiger Woods Holiday Poem
 

T'was the Night of Thanksgiving..

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin' . . . chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.

He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika . . . the world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin' . . . a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."

She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year. ;)

muahhhhhhhahhhhah!!
That rocked! thanks for the laugh!

I guess that made Elin his highest-paid hooker. I bet she's proud. :right:

lol@Pie ! But truthfully who would say no to $330 million? :headshake

I'd let Tiger Woods fuck me for $330 million.

Me too. I'd also let him fuck you for $330M.

For $330 million, I'll blow Tiger on the courthouse square, and give him an hour to draw a crowd.

OK, who leaked the pictures from my vasectomy?!

But you don't understand they pay by the pic...