Q1: Mum, can I please have a cat for Christmas:
Ans: No. You'll have turkey the same us the rest of us.

Q2: What's the most popular Christmas wine?
Ans: 'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

Q3: Why do Canadians find turkey so popular at Christmas?
Ans: Because the weather warmer there.

Q4: Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
Ans: He's a fun guy to be with.

Why is Christmas just like another day at the office?
You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

It was just before Christmas, and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner in the dock 'What are you charged with?'

The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early'.

'That's no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

'Before the shop opened'

- - - - -



Moira lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping in Oxford Street, London.

A small boy found it and he returned to her. Looking in her purse, Moira reasoned, 'Hmmm.... that's strange. When I lost my bag there was a £20 note in it. Now there are four £5 notes.'

The boy quickly replied with a charming smile and in a cockney accent, 'That's right, madam. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward.'

Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.' What denomination?' asked the clerk. 'Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?' said Maria, 'Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.'

This is NOT the Christmas thread, people.

J/K...

great jokes, Mon. Mind if I use them?

Here's an old, political joke involving a chauffeur. It takes place long before her saintiness, Diana, passed away.

Diana and the Queen mum were out going for a drive in the country (HA! It's a joke, remember? Suspend disbelief for ten seconds) when they car was summoned by a woman in distress. The Queen ordered her driver to stop and ask how they could help.

As they opened the window the woman stuck a gun in the driver's face and told them all to get out of the car. She turned to the queen and said, "Give me your diamond necklace! I always see you going out and about with that necklace. Give it to me!"

The queen very calmly replied that it was at the jeweler's having a loose stone re-set.

The woman turned to Diana and said, "Give me your Tiara, Diana! I always see you wearing that tiara. I want it, NOW!"

Diana very calmly replied that her tiara was being cleaned that day and that is why she wasn't wearing it.

"Well, give me the keys to the Bentley, and shove off."

The robber drove away and the queen, Diana, and the chauffeur began to walk back home. Along the way, The queen turned to Diana and said, "I could have sworn I saw you wearing your tiara when we got into the car."

Diana replied, "Yes, I was. But when we got closer to the woman I became suspicious, so I removed it and hid it in my vagina. Now that you mention it, weren't you wearing your diamond necklace?"

"I was. And like you I became suspicious so I also secreted it in my vagina."

They walked on in silence for a while and the queen said, "It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us; we'd still have the Bentley."

yeah I do actually, I stole them, they're all mine now! bwahahahaha..... :p

(you should see what passes for humor on some christmas sites.... ouch!)

:lol: @ foot3

I will refrain, then. Respectfully. heeheehee.....

A Lady once got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and a tattoo of a ham on her other thigh. When her friends and family asked why she would do such a thing she replied, ''Because the best eating is always between Thanksgiving and Christmas"!

The same lady went back to get another tattoo of a dollar bill under her belly button and explained to her cheap boyfriend, ''all you can eat for under a dollar."

by the way....this one is not political. :frog:

This is some funny shit.

Well you got one part of that description right.....

Q. Why did Tiger Woods get in trouble?
A. Because he was caught playing more than 18 holes...

Tiger Woods' 2009 Christmas Card

:lol: