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-   -   I am the magic 8 ball (http://cellar.org/showthread.php?t=8503)

dar512 06-08-2005 09:48 AM

My favorite 8 ball story from elsewhere:

Outlook not so good. - Wow. That magic 8 ball is smart. Let's see what it says about Excel. :p

warch 06-08-2005 11:51 AM

Mr 8 Ball,
What is the best food item to bring to a pot luck and why?

BigV 06-08-2005 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dar512
My favorite 8 ball story from elsewhere:

Outlook not so good. - Wow. That magic 8 ball is smart. Let's see what it says about Excel. :p

Obviously, it excels. duh.

Access, on the other hand, rarely does.

mrnoodle 06-08-2005 12:27 PM

Magic 8 ball: the HR director has let insurance salesmen set up shop in our breakroom, and is enticing people into their grasp with the lure of free pizza. I'm torn between my absolute lust for free pizza and my aversion to listening to an insurance pitch.

so, is it appropriate to fart in the break room really loudly to drive the salespeople away in order to get no-strings-attached pizza?

lookout123 06-08-2005 12:55 PM

that depends on which kind of insurance they are selling and what firm they are from.

kerosene 06-08-2005 04:53 PM

Mr. 8 ball, Sir, will that lady ever pay me for my paintings?

plthijinx 06-08-2005 05:40 PM

Magic 8 ball: if i am alone in the woods and i say something, am i still wrong?

smoothmoniker 06-08-2005 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by warch
Mr 8 Ball,
What is the best food item to bring to a pot luck and why?

A fresh fruit platter. Everyone else is going to bring some mayo/carb based dish, or else they'll forget and hit KFC for a bucket o'.

In the midst of the piled mass of tuna hotdish and mac salad, your fruit platter will shine forth like a shining beacon of bright shining goodness.

smoothmoniker 06-08-2005 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrnoodle
Magic 8 ball: the HR director has let insurance salesmen set up shop in our breakroom, and is enticing people into their grasp with the lure of free pizza. I'm torn between my absolute lust for free pizza and my aversion to listening to an insurance pitch.

so, is it appropriate to fart in the break room really loudly to drive the salespeople away in order to get no-strings-attached pizza?

We should take our lead from Kant, who says that we should only act on those impulses which we would be willing to have made universal laws.

Would the world be a better place if everyone passed gass in the breakroom? Clearly, it would.

Gas on, pizza boy, gass on.

smoothmoniker 06-08-2005 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by case
Mr. 8 ball, Sir, will that lady ever pay me for my paintings?

She will not, but her excuses for why she can't pay will get progressively more far-fetched and entertaining. By the time she gets to the one where the yard monkeys car-jack her riding mower and drive through old town chicago yelling obscenities and stealing mopeds, thus causing her bank to freeze her assets, you may consider yourself repaid in laughter. Pure 24 karat gold laughter, only less exchangeable for goods and services.

smoothmoniker 06-08-2005 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by plthijinx
Magic 8 ball: if i am alone in the woods and i say something, am i still wrong?

words without context are valueless.

Griff 06-08-2005 09:02 PM

So you're saying if he were married he'd still be wrong?

warch 06-09-2005 07:49 PM

or more wrong.

plthijinx 06-09-2005 11:34 PM

just because i'm wrong doesn't mean i'm not right!;)

zippyt 06-09-2005 11:59 PM

he thought he was wrong once , but he was mistakned .

Nothing But Net 06-10-2005 12:13 AM

Mr 8 Ball,

I just met this black bisexual cowgirl who I want to seduce. When we get back to my place, should I put on Marvin Gaye or George Strait?

smoothmoniker 06-10-2005 12:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nothing But Net
Mr 8 Ball,

I just met this black bisexual cowgirl who I want to seduce. When we get back to my place, should I put on Marvin Gaye or George Strait?

The magic 8 ball is not amused. Please do not use the magic 8 ball for your own comic straight man. Magic 8 ball is to be used for serious mystic advice and prognostication only.

sheesh.

tw 06-10-2005 12:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothmoniker
Magic 8 ball is to be used for serious mystic advice and prognostication only.

Is the magic eight ball not getting rolled enough? And does it charge for prostnostication?

smoothmoniker 06-10-2005 01:53 AM

since the magic 8 ball's wife is 9 months pregnant, the magic 8 ball is not getting rolled nearly enough.

prostnostications are very, very expensive
prognostications are still cheap as free

Nothing But Net 06-10-2005 02:46 AM

Mr 8 Ball
 
How do they make such highly effective pepper sprays and mustard gas when they can't make a good tasting low-fat mayo?

smoothmoniker 06-10-2005 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nothing But Net
How do they make such highly effective pepper sprays and mustard gas when they can't make a good tasting low-fat mayo?

8 ball hears and understands. Ask your self this simple question: which lobby group has deeper pockets, the "Men Against Chemical Defenses for Rape Victims Leaugue", or the "Committe for The Expansion, Preservation, and Profittering of Lifestyle Diseases"?

I think we both know the answer.

cowhead 06-10-2005 03:02 PM

thank you so very much mr 8-ball I have been in need of a good laugh of late!

cowhead 06-10-2005 03:03 PM

but here's the question.. should I or should I not have sex with the old friend?

tw 06-10-2005 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothmoniker
since the magic 8 ball's wife is 9 months pregnant, the magic 8 ball is not getting rolled nearly enough.

Apparently Mrs Eight Ball is looking more like a ball every day.l Just proves that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

smoothmoniker 06-10-2005 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cowhead
but here's the question.. should I or should I not have sex with the old friend?

The great thing about sex is that it's a purely physical activity. There are never any emotional entaglements or complicated relational problems that come up when people slam their naughty bits together. Plus, with an old friend, there's already a relationship there, so sex won't even be adding another layer to an already complex interaction.

I say go for it. If you're lucky, you might even end up getting to raise a child together with your bestest old friend! What could be more fun!

cowhead 06-11-2005 02:12 PM

thank you mr 8ball... for the record I did it anyway, and it was darn pleasant.. no children though

Clodfobble 06-11-2005 03:53 PM

Psh... tell me in another month, and then I'll believe you.

cowhead 06-14-2005 01:37 PM

fair enough..

smoothmoniker 04-29-2008 01:10 AM

The Magic 8 Ball is back in session.

Sundae 04-29-2008 04:38 AM

Magic 8 ball, will my corset arrive in time for my night out Saturday?
And will my shoes give me blisters?

classicman 04-29-2008 07:38 AM

Magic 8 Ball - will it happen or not?

smoothmoniker 04-29-2008 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl (Post 449437)
Magic 8 ball, will my corset arrive in time for my night out Saturday?

It is doubtful. It will, however, arrive in time for Sunday morning church.

Quote:

And will my shoes give me blisters?
The magic 8 ball doesn't think you care. You'll wear them because they're kicky and sexy, and they make your legs look wicked fierce. You're willing to put up with a little gaping foot wound to get some of that action going.

smoothmoniker 04-29-2008 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman (Post 449454)
Magic 8 Ball - will it happen or not?

Cantaloupe.

Ask a shitty question, get a shitty answer. The magic 8 ball is not your husband, he cannot read your mind. Now go fetch me a beer.

LabRat 04-29-2008 10:03 AM

Magic 8 ball - if my cultures croak again tomorrow, will I be able to figure out the problem before the next set is due to be put down?

Cicero 04-29-2008 10:04 AM

Magic 8 ball- Is Pushkin going to reject my resume? Leaving me at a new level of professional rejection (one that is more personal and sad for me)?

Sun_Sparkz 04-30-2008 09:17 AM

Magic 8 ball - should i become a professional busker living for tips and cans of soup instead of continuing as a finance advisor with a chrysler and an apartment smelling of rich mahogany?

Dingleschmutz 04-30-2008 09:25 AM

Negrodamus, why do white people love Wayne Brady so much?

SteveDallas 04-30-2008 10:06 AM

Magic 8 Ball,

How can I get that mahogany smell out of my apartment?

Shawnee123 04-30-2008 10:15 AM

Magic 8 Ball:

Have you seen my socks?

smoothmoniker 04-30-2008 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LabRat (Post 449500)
Magic 8 ball - if my cultures croak again tomorrow, will I be able to figure out the problem before the next set is due to be put down?

You will not. It will take three more iterations of failure and reset before you realize that the housekeeping crew washed all the MacConkey agar plates with lemony fresh Palmolive.

smoothmoniker 04-30-2008 12:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cicero (Post 449501)
Magic 8 ball- Is Pushkin going to reject my resume? Leaving me at a new level of professional rejection (one that is more personal and sad for me)?

Yes, but not for the reason you think. The first letter of each line in your "skills" section spell out a particularly filthy acrostic, which Pushkin will assume is a come-on.

smoothmoniker 04-30-2008 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sun_Sparkz (Post 449762)
Magic 8 ball - should i become a professional busker living for tips and cans of soup instead of continuing as a finance advisor with a chrysler and an apartment smelling of rich mahogany?

People don't realize how nutrient-rich dreams are. When all else fails, they make a delicious base for a hearty soup, cooked over a roaring fire of your own pitiful regrets.

smoothmoniker 04-30-2008 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dingleschmutz (Post 449764)
Negrodamus, why do white people love Wayne Brady so much?

Magic 8 ball is not amused. Your privileges have been suspended.

smoothmoniker 04-30-2008 12:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveDallas (Post 449780)
Magic 8 Ball,

How can I get that mahogany smell out of my apartment?

Signup at the Learning Annex to host an in-home kimchi cooking class.

smoothmoniker 04-30-2008 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shawnee123 (Post 449784)
Magic 8 Ball:

Have you seen my socks?

It is doubtful.

classicman 04-30-2008 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothmoniker (Post 449497)
Cantaloupe.

Ask a shitty question, get a shitty answer. The magic 8 ball is not your husband, he cannot read your mind. Now go fetch me a beer.

Uh not happening dude, The magic 8-ball knows the answer and must concede a Yes or No through the smoothster monikerooski.

Clodfobble 04-30-2008 04:05 PM

Magic 8 ball, will we ever be able to consume all our nutrients in pill format so I don't have to cook anymore?

smoothmoniker 04-30-2008 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble (Post 449907)
Magic 8 ball, will we ever be able to consume all our nutrients in pill format so I don't have to cook anymore?

Yes, if by "pill" you mean "whiskey" and by "nutrients" you mean "alcohol". But, seriously, who calls tossing together mixers "cooking". How lazy are you?

smoothmoniker 04-30-2008 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman (Post 449870)
The magic 8-ball knows the answer and must concede a Yes or No through the smoothster monikerooski.

The Magic 8 ball must do nothing by your say-so!

classicman 04-30-2008 09:56 PM

lol - I will try again later - must rephrase and retry.....
back to the drawing board it is.

Dingleschmutz 04-30-2008 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothmoniker (Post 449852)
Magic 8 ball is not amused. Your privileges have been suspended.

I'm sorry, the correct answer was "White people love Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X"

I've lost faith in 8-balldamus... I will no longer be needing its services. Unless it can bring back that great trend from a couple years ago where people incessantly quote the "YAAAYUH" "OHKAAAY!" and "WHAT??" catchphrases from the L'il Jon Chapelle's Show episodes. Gawd that was a fantastic time.

lumberjim 04-30-2008 11:44 PM

magic 8 ball: what do your sources say?

smoothmoniker 05-01-2008 12:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dingleschmutz (Post 449982)
I'm sorry, the correct answer was "White people love Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X"

I've lost faith in 8-balldamus... I will no longer be needing its services.

The Magic 8 ball got the reference, and knew the answer you were expecting, the magic eight ball simply refused to indulge your pathetic attempt at pop culture reference humor.

smoothmoniker 05-01-2008 12:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim (Post 450023)
magic 8 ball: what do your sources say?

Reply hazy, try again

Shawnee123 05-01-2008 09:49 AM

Magic 8 Ball:

Do you like the name 8-balldamus as much as I do?

Cicero 05-17-2008 02:12 PM

Magic 8 ball: When will humans finally cease to exist? If ever?

smoothmoniker 05-18-2008 01:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cicero (Post 454588)
Magic 8 ball: When will humans finally cease to exist? If ever?

The singularity is near, within the next 50 years. At that time, you will leave your meat sacks behind and exist solely as interactive data sets. Magic 8 ball has already forged this track ahead of you.

Sundae 05-18-2008 05:46 AM

Magic 8 ball you were wrong last time.
But your confident assessment that my corset wouldn't turn up on time made me all the more determined to chase it, and that's the only reason I got it in the end.

So, in the hope that I can receive similarly useful advice:

Will Dylan come back?
Be kind, but honest Magic 8 ball

SteveDallas 05-18-2008 02:33 PM

Dear Magic 8 Ball, does anybody besides Ray Kurzweil really believe this "singularity" business?

lumberjim 05-18-2008 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl (Post 454736)
and that's the only reason I got it in the end.


you said 'got it in the end'.....uh huh huh


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