My favorite 8 ball story from elsewhere:

Outlook not so good. - Wow. That magic 8 ball is smart. Let's see what it says about Excel. :p

Mr 8 Ball,
What is the best food item to bring to a pot luck and why?

Obviously, it excels. duh.

Access, on the other hand, rarely does.

Magic 8 ball: the HR director has let insurance salesmen set up shop in our breakroom, and is enticing people into their grasp with the lure of free pizza. I'm torn between my absolute lust for free pizza and my aversion to listening to an insurance pitch.

so, is it appropriate to fart in the break room really loudly to drive the salespeople away in order to get no-strings-attached pizza?

that depends on which kind of insurance they are selling and what firm they are from.

Mr. 8 ball, Sir, will that lady ever pay me for my paintings?

Magic 8 ball: if i am alone in the woods and i say something, am i still wrong?

A fresh fruit platter. Everyone else is going to bring some mayo/carb based dish, or else they'll forget and hit KFC for a bucket o'.

In the midst of the piled mass of tuna hotdish and mac salad, your fruit platter will shine forth like a shining beacon of bright shining goodness.

We should take our lead from Kant, who says that we should only act on those impulses which we would be willing to have made universal laws.

Would the world be a better place if everyone passed gass in the breakroom? Clearly, it would.

Gas on, pizza boy, gass on.

She will not, but her excuses for why she can't pay will get progressively more far-fetched and entertaining. By the time she gets to the one where the yard monkeys car-jack her riding mower and drive through old town chicago yelling obscenities and stealing mopeds, thus causing her bank to freeze her assets, you may consider yourself repaid in laughter. Pure 24 karat gold laughter, only less exchangeable for goods and services.

words without context are valueless.

So you're saying if he were married he'd still be wrong?

or more wrong.

just because i'm wrong doesn't mean i'm not right!;)

he thought he was wrong once , but he was mistakned .

Mr 8 Ball,

I just met this black bisexual cowgirl who I want to seduce. When we get back to my place, should I put on Marvin Gaye or George Strait?

The magic 8 ball is not amused. Please do not use the magic 8 ball for your own comic straight man. Magic 8 ball is to be used for serious mystic advice and prognostication only.

sheesh.

Is the magic eight ball not getting rolled enough? And does it charge for prostnostication?

since the magic 8 ball's wife is 9 months pregnant, the magic 8 ball is not getting rolled nearly enough.

prostnostications are very, very expensive
prognostications are still cheap as free

Mr 8 Ball
 

How do they make such highly effective pepper sprays and mustard gas when they can't make a good tasting low-fat mayo?

8 ball hears and understands. Ask your self this simple question: which lobby group has deeper pockets, the "Men Against Chemical Defenses for Rape Victims Leaugue", or the "Committe for The Expansion, Preservation, and Profittering of Lifestyle Diseases"?

I think we both know the answer.

thank you so very much mr 8-ball I have been in need of a good laugh of late!

but here's the question.. should I or should I not have sex with the old friend?

Apparently Mrs Eight Ball is looking more like a ball every day.l Just proves that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The great thing about sex is that it's a purely physical activity. There are never any emotional entaglements or complicated relational problems that come up when people slam their naughty bits together. Plus, with an old friend, there's already a relationship there, so sex won't even be adding another layer to an already complex interaction.

I say go for it. If you're lucky, you might even end up getting to raise a child together with your bestest old friend! What could be more fun!

thank you mr 8ball... for the record I did it anyway, and it was darn pleasant.. no children though

Psh... tell me in another month, and then I'll believe you.

fair enough..

The Magic 8 Ball is back in session.

Magic 8 ball, will my corset arrive in time for my night out Saturday?
And will my shoes give me blisters?

Magic 8 Ball - will it happen or not?

It is doubtful. It will, however, arrive in time for Sunday morning church.

The magic 8 ball doesn't think you care. You'll wear them because they're kicky and sexy, and they make your legs look wicked fierce. You're willing to put up with a little gaping foot wound to get some of that action going.

Cantaloupe.

Ask a shitty question, get a shitty answer. The magic 8 ball is not your husband, he cannot read your mind. Now go fetch me a beer.

Magic 8 ball - if my cultures croak again tomorrow, will I be able to figure out the problem before the next set is due to be put down?

Magic 8 ball- Is Pushkin going to reject my resume? Leaving me at a new level of professional rejection (one that is more personal and sad for me)?

Magic 8 ball - should i become a professional busker living for tips and cans of soup instead of continuing as a finance advisor with a chrysler and an apartment smelling of rich mahogany?

Negrodamus, why do white people love Wayne Brady so much?

Magic 8 Ball,

How can I get that mahogany smell out of my apartment?

Magic 8 Ball:

Have you seen my socks?

You will not. It will take three more iterations of failure and reset before you realize that the housekeeping crew washed all the MacConkey agar plates with lemony fresh Palmolive.

Yes, but not for the reason you think. The first letter of each line in your "skills" section spell out a particularly filthy acrostic, which Pushkin will assume is a come-on.

People don't realize how nutrient-rich dreams are. When all else fails, they make a delicious base for a hearty soup, cooked over a roaring fire of your own pitiful regrets.

Magic 8 ball is not amused. Your privileges have been suspended.

Signup at the Learning Annex to host an in-home kimchi cooking class.

It is doubtful.

Uh not happening dude, The magic 8-ball knows the answer and must concede a Yes or No through the smoothster monikerooski.

Magic 8 ball, will we ever be able to consume all our nutrients in pill format so I don't have to cook anymore?

Yes, if by "pill" you mean "whiskey" and by "nutrients" you mean "alcohol". But, seriously, who calls tossing together mixers "cooking". How lazy are you?

The Magic 8 ball must do nothing by your say-so!

lol - I will try again later - must rephrase and retry.....
back to the drawing board it is.

I'm sorry, the correct answer was "White people love Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X"

I've lost faith in 8-balldamus... I will no longer be needing its services. Unless it can bring back that great trend from a couple years ago where people incessantly quote the "YAAAYUH" "OHKAAAY!" and "WHAT??" catchphrases from the L'il Jon Chapelle's Show episodes. Gawd that was a fantastic time.

magic 8 ball: what do your sources say?

The Magic 8 ball got the reference, and knew the answer you were expecting, the magic eight ball simply refused to indulge your pathetic attempt at pop culture reference humor.

Reply hazy, try again

Magic 8 Ball:

Do you like the name 8-balldamus as much as I do?

Magic 8 ball: When will humans finally cease to exist? If ever?

The singularity is near, within the next 50 years. At that time, you will leave your meat sacks behind and exist solely as interactive data sets. Magic 8 ball has already forged this track ahead of you.

Magic 8 ball you were wrong last time.
But your confident assessment that my corset wouldn't turn up on time made me all the more determined to chase it, and that's the only reason I got it in the end.

So, in the hope that I can receive similarly useful advice:

Will Dylan come back?
Be kind, but honest Magic 8 ball

Dear Magic 8 Ball, does anybody besides Ray Kurzweil really believe this "singularity" business?

you said 'got it in the end'.....uh huh huh