the anal beads weren't used on me....

Oooh...

Well no wonder you're so upset.

he's paying off my credit cards and buying me a diamond to make up for mental suffering he has caused me...how's that?

Pretty sad.

yes, it is sad.....whatever.it won't make up for it. it won't make me feel happy..filenotfound, i used the anal beads on him and they hurt, okay? i am through with this conversation!!

Stuff like that should come with user manuals.

because users should come with manual stuff like that

guys, what would you do if it was YOU...honestly. i don't feel like i am capable of making a rational decision about anything. i made an appointment with a therapist..i can't deal with this on my own, and i won't tell my family or co-workers, because it is embarrassing. they all think we are so great together. even the guys he works with don't know my name..he calls me honey. it was so perfect and now it's so screwed up. what would you do in my shoes, seriously? it's so easy to say "get over it" or "dump his ass!" i can't do either right now.

Is this for real?
 

Ok, Stacey, I think you've either pulled a huge gag on all of us who responded with caring advice.

What you're doing is contrary to the way I solve my problems, but hey! There's more than one way to skin a cat. Are you getting any of this in writing? Talk is cheap, honey. He'll pay off your credit cards and give you a diamond to make up for his shortcomings? I am not convinced.

If the promise of a mere $8,000 and a diamond ring is enough to justify that fact that you've messed up your mind and heart; all the while making a mockery of holy matrimony, it sounds like you're extremely shallow, and a very cheap date.

Talk to him until you are satisfied. Repeat as long as needed. Act to protect yourself when indicated.

All I have to say is... at least I'm not the guy who's scheduled to come post to a thread where your wife admitted she used anal beads. On you. And they hurt. :eek:

Me? I'd probably duck my head in the sand and forget the whole thing ever happened. "Baby, I love you and all, but you gotta stop telling people about the things I stick up my ass."

Relationships are based on trust. If you can't get it, the whole thing is sunk.

All men think about fucking other women, though. To think otherwise is silly. It's just our nature. The true test of loyalty is if he actually does anything physical with her. If he actually fucks her (or kisses her, or whatever), then he has broken your trust. As of now, he's just fantasizing, which all men can't help but do.

Remember, he's just a man. Give him some leeway. I mean, he hasn't actually done anything yet.

really, there is no amount of money in the world that could make up for the pain of finding out that he was using me.


that is a direct quote from an earlier post. i am angry, okay. OF COURSE i don't want us to be a lie! the marriage i thought i had and our happiness and future is WAY more important than material shit. if i even cared about material things, i would never have married him. he made little money as a painter, no car, was getting evicted, couldn't go to school or get a good job because of citizenship issues. i married him for pure love. don't accuse me of being shallow. if anything, i am an IDIOT. not shallow, but definitely lacking in decision making skills. but my love was very very blind. this is about love. i am looking for any way to make myself feel better. any way to rationalize staying with him, because the truth is, i don't want to be without him, but i also don't want to feel like a sucker. it's hard to explain. also, what if he was using me?? in that case, i would want him to pay! i wouldn't want to be used as a sucker for free. but, if he really loves me and will stay with me, him paying off my debt is also helping him, because it is "our" debt and if we ever want to buy a car or a house, it would have to go under my name. his credit is completely ruined.

Your idea of going to a therapist is exactly right on. You can get a lot of voices here which can be supportive and/or try to give you ideas and opinions. But we ain't pros at it.

riddil, he won't read all of this. i would be surprised if he did. besides, he tries to discredit all the advice you guys are giving me by saying i don't know what kind of people i'm talking to...so he probably wouldn't care what you guys think about the anal beads.
i guess i really don't know you guys, but i can tell when someone is giving me mature advice with good intentions, as a few of you have. if anything, he will laugh if he sees that.

I don't see this kind of thing as truly vindictive or shallow. Knowing what you are feeling about this, it is an emotional reaction to the situation. You feel hurt, decieved, etc and your mode of defense is this sort of lashing out "Well, I don't care about you anyway!" thing. I think it is pretty normal to react that way. I am sorry you have this delimma in front of you...it looks, no doubt, like an extremely difficult one.

I agree with Undertoad. A counselor might be able to help you sort out your feelings. Sounds like they are pretty overwhelming right now.

Here's another thing; you feel terrible right now, yesterday and today, but you aren't always going to feel this way.

In another few days, you'll feel differently. The pain and shock will be gone and you'll be in another place... still maybe not the best place, but better than it is now.

One of the foundations for your relationship has been yanked out from under you. What you need to do is to look at the relationship as it is now, and take some time to see what you think of what it is for you today. You've loved the idea of what you had; what will you do with nothing but the man remaining, with all the ideas and history trashed?

If at the end of that time, you still feel like the man is meaningful and valuable to you, you'll then decide to rebuild that foundation. If you find that it isn't so meaningful to you today, maybe it never was to begin with, and you'll have to bitterly move on.

I guess the main thing is, you don't have to do anything right away, you don't have to make any quick decisions.

Life is like this: you plan for it to go a certain way, you DREAM for it to go a certain way, and then it throws you the big curve ball. Life plays with us and toys with us. Life builds beautiful mirages of dreams, and then shatters those mirages and laughs at us as we cry over losing what we never even had. And then, sometimes, life turns around and reminds you of what's so great about it. Fills you with glory and excitement and beauty.

In the long run, you'll find that it wasn't which path you were on all along, whether it was the planned path or the accidental path, the path of your dreams or the worst nightmare... life isn't about those paths, so much as it is about the flowers along the path.

And every day a fresh set of them, and every day different.

TMI.

I'm expecting that we will see Radar's version of this in a few months ...

It'll probably involve "sucky sucky" and a lot of $$$.

wow, undertoad. thank you. you are right about life and i hope you are right that i won't always feel this way...anyway, thank you.

here's something that bothers me. arsen refers to himself as jay gatsby in his letters to her. he is a character from literature. look at the analysis:

Being a young soldier, he falls in love ...
their relationship splits up. After the war, because of several circumstances, he has to attend Oxford College in England.
...As he comes back to the United States he finds his great love married to another man and thinks his only possible chance to get Daisy back is being rich. This idea is stuck in his head and trying to get his love back is the only thing he lives for. Little by little Gatsby loses his sense of reality completely. He is a dreamer, but to complete his dream of living a perfect life he has to reunite with Daisy.

...All in all Gatsby is totally lost in his dream world and not able to find back to reality...
Gatsby is a very dedicated person. He tries everything to get Daisy back.
In The Great Gatsby the American Dream plays a big role.

At the risk of sounding insensitive, b/c I'm sure you truly love him...

--Get a divorce lawyer.
--Have him deported.
--Move on.

are you saying that because of the gatsby thing?
he stopped using it in july. we married in september. i'm starting to think that he may have had those bad intentions, but he might really love me now...but i don't know. i'm going to the therapist before i decide what to do.

(I would like to point out that despite having been to Rhode Island many times, including Newport, I have never met staceyv's husband).

Stacey, no, I said what I said initially based on what I've read in the entire thread.

Like I said in another thread, I'm no expert on this kind of shit...but you seem like a nice enough person and all, and it just seems to me like you're being taken for a ride. Of course he's going to try and make things right...his life in the States could be at stake. You seem to be torn between "Well, he IS trying to make up for it." and "I can't trust this fucker any further than I can throw him." It seems to me like the writing is on the wall, but I know what it's like to love someone so much that it hurts...and hurts to let go.

Hopefully the therapist will help, but in the end, the decision is yours. I think you have to step back, reapproach it with a cool calm head and go from there.

Good luck.

i also posted that i don't want to break up,either. i want to believe him and continue with a happy life. all this is too stressful. then i start thinking "what if it' s all a lie?" i am completely torn in two directions. we sat down and made an agreement with each other on ways to rebuild my trust. he says he will go to counseling, he will not talk to or e-mail or see that girl ever again, he says he won't even go out without me. he says he will give me all of his account numbers and i can read his e-mails if i want, that he will not hide things and that he will be 100% honest with me, even if it might upset me...basically, anything i threw in the air, he was like "sure, i'll do that...i'll do anything you say" but i also told him that my trust will probably only be fully won when he has a greencard and he is still with me. if he really wanted to, sure, he could open a secret e-mail account, he could lie instead of 100% honesty policy, he could say he has to work late and do whatever. all of these things he agreed to did not restore my trust in him, but it looks like he is willing to do anything to try. his only response to "why did you write those letters?!" is "i don't know, i really don't know...i'm twisted, i know it was perverted, unfaithful, i don't know"

this is where we stand now. i guess only time will tell.

our contract:

we agree on 100% complete honesty. no punishment, and arsen will remind stacey.

arsen will not hide things from stacey

arsen will take stacey with him when he goes out, or not go.

4 drinks out or 3 at home for STACEY.

no e-mails or contact with eva

pay off stacey's credit card bills and a diamond ring before greencard.

honechka will not cut her hair for one year, and she will not look for the hidden scissors.

arsen will not cheat on stacey. that includes kissing and romantic letters. and of course, no physical contact like head, sex , etc. same for stacey.

arsen will go to marriage therapy.





02-13-2004
2-13-04

What does stacey do for arsen other than service him sexually?

One sided contracts are unrealistic and unenforceable.

Really? Could you point out where she said that? Because in re-reading the entire thread, I didn't see that mentioned at all. Not to mention Stacey's newest post...

This situation is not unlike the first time we heard about your husband

And here, I must unfortunately say, "I told you so."

Therapist. Say it with me now, th-air-a-pist. Go to him. Now. Quickly. Please run, don't walk.

how is it a one-sided contract? i agree to limit my drinking, not cut my hair, not to cheat. those were all of his requests. he couldn't think of anything else. did you even read the contract before you posted that??

also, that "i told you so " in the baby back post didn't make any sense to me. neither does this one




by the way,
thank you, sycamore, you are right.


therapist
.

That's not a reason to stay but, rather, a reason not to leave. Big difference.

beestie's right...it's not that i am so sure of staying, but i am even more unsure of leaving, so i found a reason not to leave.

Inflection my dear Cougar. She doesn't want to stay but she is more frightened of leaving. It is the resolution of a dilemma - rarely a pretty sight.

Whatever you do, StacyV, I hope you continue to hang out here. You are deeply troubled and will not do well on your own unless you start believing in yourself.

Many wise folk have counseled you on this issue. Take heed. While our advice is free, it is not cheap.

Wise folk? Where? :)

Having been cheated on by someone I was in love with, and having seen emails similar to the ones posted at the top of this thread, I think I can speak with some authority.

People who love you won't do that to you. End of story. I know how painful and confusing it is. However, my humble opinion (and it may be mine alone) is that dragging yourself through a swamp of self-analysis and one-sided relationship-mending only hurts you and doesn't change your situation one whit. Even if he has stopped his hurtful behavior for the time being, expect it to come back once he thinks he's on safe ground again.

Accept the short-term, intense pain of kicking his greencard-seeking ass out the door, and save yourself a long(er), even more painful experience. I think you will be eternally grateful you did. There is someone out there who will love you without the bullshit attached.

Amateur psychologist kicking in: Have you ever wondered who he was cheating on when he hooked up with you? I hope that doesn't sound crass, because I don't intend it that way. But I'd bet no small amount of my own money that you're not the first he's strung along.

Best of luck to you.

You're pretty fucked up.

I can't believe you. christ! YOU need the marriage therapy.

Why don;t you make him hand over his cock and balls, so he can't cheat on you? The above contract is ridiculous and controlling and one sided and psychotic.

and ya know what's worse?

think about it.

he agreed to it.

what does that mean?


I think I know.

he hasn't "done that to me" since we've been married. that makes me hopeful, and he has very little experience with women. he's slept with two people. his longest relationship before me was only a couple of weeks (eva). i don't think he's a master of stringing along women. i really want to have hope right now, and i can probably talk myself into anything to feel better. i am looking forward to therapy... if he is completely insincere, and does not love me and is stringing me along, well he would be a master. he could go down in history, and i would become the most bitter man-hating old hag you have ever met, seen, or heard of.

it was his idea to give me the e-mail passwords, his idea to take me with him everywhere...he was trying to come up with ideas that would leave me no room to mistrust him...he says he has nothing to hide. the diamond and the credit card bills, well, i mentioned that part in another part of this thread...it's stuff we talked about before all of this happened.
he has admitted to being pussy-whipped long ago.

whatever

lumberjim, your stupid link deleted all of my cookies :(
goodnight.

The other 2 things I learned from that destructive, ridiculous relationship are that......

I didn't listen to a damn thing anyone told me. lol. I had to find it all out the hard way, and the hard way felt like someone ripping my heart out through my rectum. Compassionate people hate to see people do that to themselves, Stacey.

Don't mistake clinginess for love. love=healthy. cling=clusterfuck.

Lies I told myself:

"But she LOVES me. I just KNOW she does. I mean, she SAID I WAS THE LOVE OF HER LIFE!! (snivel, whine, cry)"

"What did I do to make her act this way? If I can change, maybe I can resurrect the burning passion we used to feel. Maybe if I do some of the stuff she wants me to do, she will reciprocate." -- ok, she was fucking some guy at the time, but still, *maybe*.

"Maybe I have just missed the point somewhere. If we talk enough about it, the situation will fix itself with cosmic love rays that supersede all destructive, shitty behavior."

etc. etc. ad nauseum.

If I didn't see myself in your situation, it wouldn't affect me so strongly. But I know at some point I'm going to piss you off, if I haven't already. I better shut up.

No. One last thing. Marriage therapists are programmed to listen for certain responses that let them know how they're doing with a particular case. They can be played like a Stradivarius if you have the talent for it. Serial heartbreakers have that talent, and methinks you are in the clutches of one. My last post on the subject without your approval, Stacey. I'm redundant enough :)

i mean the whole arrangement is ludicrous. Fuckin A! just be who-the-fuck-you-are and let him be who-the-fuck-he-is; and be together, or don't.

You are in a destructive cycle of suspicion and doubt.

Break it.

Trust him! And if you CAN'T trust him, leave him!

what the fuck good does that contract do either of you. what happens if one of you is in breach? will he have to pay a penalty on the credit card bill? does the other party get to reposses the relationship?

woo hooo? knock knock knock......anybody home?



FUCK!
:mad:

i knew that would come in handy one day.

hey, welcome aboard, mrnoodle.....do you have a brother?

thanks lumberjim.

yup i do. don't scare me by knowing him.

It was time for her to go anyway...

she still online. Hey, since I promised not to post anymore about this subject, will someone tell her to tell Ivan to private message me? I'm in the mood for a frank exchange of ideas with that kid.

Asshat.

You want to talk about hot dogs? Or whale penes?

i really have to get to bed...why am i so wired? look, i am going to go to the therapist, and yes, he will probably tell me that parts of that contract are unhealthy. and yes, it would probably be easy to take advantage of someone like me, because i usually don't let people in because i know how i am and i have to protect myself from those who don't have my best interests at heart, but once i let someone in, oh my god. yeah, it could definitely happen...i want to believe what he says, because leaving him seems so painful.

Somebody tell her she's wired because the remaining sane brain cells in her tormented noggin won't let her sleep until she stops trying to batter them into submission. And then tell her the whole friggin contract is null and void because if he don't wanna be a good husband without blackmailing her into not cutting her fukkin hair, he ain't gonna keep it.

Why am I still here? Why have I lapsed into slang?

cuz I took a sleeping pill and didn't go to bed immediately. it makes me a mouthy wanker.

This whole thread has become one big red flag...visible from space...

The contract is yet another feeble attempt to not face reality. Just another construct between the real and the perceived. I've been there as I suspect most have at one point or another.

~intelligence recognized.
~used term "asshat" correctly in context
~good first impression formed.

~ save file.


[elmo]
mrnoodle's brother, mr Noodle.[/elmo]

:blush:

gawrsh.

tha' fuck is elmo? and who has been using the registered trademark of MrNoodle (TM)(R)(not starting this thread over here)
without the express permission of this station and the National Football League?


but thanks nonetheless