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My girlfriend came running up to me and anounced breathlessly, "That girl from Legally Blonde has been stabbed, you know, Reese something"
Horrified I reply " Witherspoon?" Deadpan response " No, with a knife" |
Late night sports commentator reflecting on the match between Aikiko Morigami and Aussie girl Nicole Pratt in the Australian tennis open, " Morigami seemingly held a chokehold on this match but FOLDED under pressure from the indominatable Australian."
C'mon Aussie C'mon |
much like lumber jims corner store robbery joke
You: " I was at the _INSERT LOCAL PETROL STATION_ the other day and this girl pulled up and was acting very strange, she quickly jumped out of her car and filled up the tank so hastily she got petrol all over her arm. She ran into the office flung the teller a twenty for the fuel and jumped back into her car. then she did something truly crazy.. she lit a ciggarette and her entire arm went up in flames!" Friend: "yeah! then what happened?" You: "Then the police sirens could be heard, as she tried to speed off but was disabled by her flaming arm so they quickly caught her." Friend: " then what?" You: "they charged her for Illegal Fire Arms. " |
owie
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come afirst. Den I come. Den da two asses come togeter. I come once-a-more. The two asses, they come together again. I come again and den pee twice. Then I'a come one a lastah time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" "Hey, coola down ah'lady," said the man. "Whozah talkin' aboutah sex? I'mah just tellin' my friend a here, how to spellah da 'Mississippi'!" |
GREAT AIRLINE HUMOR
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS Pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for! P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windscreen. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly) S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Radar hums. S: Reprogrammed radar with words. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed |
A COWBOY STORY
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Indian: Look of shock. Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian. Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: Look of total disbelief. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: Extreme look of shock. Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian Horse: "Yep" Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me." Indian: Total look of utter amazement. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep liar." |
you've probably already seen this but it's still funny
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Those are good LJ. The fourth one reminded me of dialog in one of my favorite movies - The Thin Man
Quote:
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?
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One for our Texas friends...
A waspish Yankee and his beautiful young wife were vacationing in Texas. Driving along the Texas highway in their lumbering motor home on a scorching Texas day, the husband spied a man riding his horse off in the far, far distance.
"Oh, look honey! A cowboy! A real live cowboy!", he said, and quickly pulled the motor home over to the side of the road. He began honking the double airhorns on top while waving his arm out the window and yelling for the rider to come on over. As he was a considerable distance away, it took the horseman quite some time to arrive at their vehicle. As he arrived, the couple came out of the RV and stood by the roadside. "What can I do for ya'll?", he drawled. "You got some kind of trouble with this camper of yours?" "No, no," replied the husband. "We just wanted to see a real live cowboy." The Texan was clearly miffed by this, since he had ridden so far out of his way, only to find a moronic Yankee who clearly wasn't in need of assistance. "Well, then, guess I'll be leavin' now." He started to spin his horse around and go, when the Yankee man yelled out "Wait! Wait! I heard you Texas cowboys were real tough. You don't look so tough to me." The cowboy eyed them for a moment, then slid down off his horse. He moved to stand toe to toe with the tourist, towering over him intimidatingly. "We are tough, son," he said. "In fact, we're so tough, that right now, I'm gonna give you a demonstration. I'm gonna grab that cute little wife of yours, yank down her panties, and do her right here on the side of the road. And you know what else? While I'm doing her, you're gonna hold my balls up out of the sand until I'm done." And with that, the Texan did exactly as he'd promised, and the Yankee did what he was told. When the cowboy was done, he turned without a word, buckling his jeans as he walked back to his horse, leaped astride without even grabbing the saddle horn, and rode away. The couple dusted themselves off, silently got into their motor home and drove on back down the highway. All was quiet for awhile, until finally, the husband looks over at his wife and says "You know what? I think that cowboy was a little bit afraid of me." "What!? What the hell do you mean, he was *afraid* of you? Are you nuts?!! He screwed me, and you held his balls while he did it!!!" "Well, yeah, I think he was afraid of me. I mean, I dropped his balls in the sand twice, and he never once said a word about it..." |
Found this on the cool legal page o' stuff ....
UTAH WEIRD LAWS "You cannot have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call." This is actually surprisingly important to have a as a law. Everybody in emergency services acknowledges that "EMS" is an abbreviation for Extra Marital Sex. You think people on soap operas get around? You've never spent time in an ambulance squad ... |
I noticed that many states had laws against giving animals (pets, zoo animals, wildlife, fish) liquor and/or narcotics.
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A rich Texan thinks he might give some money to an Ivy League school. He plans to visit a few to see which is worthy to have his money.
While he's touring the first campus, he stops a student and says in a Texas drawl, "Son, where's the library at?" The kid sneers at the Texan and says, "Sir, a gentleman does not end a sentence with preposition." The Texan shrugs and says, "Awright. Where's library at, asshole?" |
A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought.
As he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, "My name's Patty." The man asked the second twin her name and she said, "My name's Patty also." Further along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said, "yo! I'm Leonard T." He said in the seat right behind the driver, so the driver could see him in his mirror. They were almost back to the school, and made one last stop. The kid who got on announced, "I'm Ross... and I'm special." As they made their way back to the school, the driver noticed to his disgust that the kid sitting right behing him had removed one shoe to reveal a horrible case of bunions, which he was picking at. As soon as they got to school, the man went to the principal's office, threw down the bus keys on his desk, and announced he was quitting. "Is something wrong?" asked the principal? "I can't take this!" yelled the man. "I've got two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Leonard T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!!" |
A Texan tourist's travels bring him to an outback cattle property.
The station owner shows him a couple of days of Australian hospitality despite having to listen to the Texans constant boasting. On the third day the owner announces he has to go and check the boundary fences. " How long's that gonna take y'all? " asked the Texan. " Well, now i've got a new four wheel drive, I can check all four boundary fences in three days " replied the owner. " Sheeiiit, boy, it takes me five days just to drive from one side of my spread to the other " bragged the Texan. "Yair, I hear ya " drawled the owner. " I had a car like that" |
Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf.
Moses tees up, and makes a beautiful shot..unfortunately, the ball is headed straight for a water hazard. Suddenly, the waters part, the ball rolls through, and comes two feet from the hole. Jesus said, "Good shot, Moses." Then Jesus tees up, and again, it's a beautiful shot. However, his ball is also headed straight for the water hazard. When it gets there, the ball skips across the water, and comes one foot from the hold. Moses says, "good shot, Jesus." Then the old guy tees up. Beautiful shot...headed straight to the water hazard. when it gets there, it plops right into the water....a fish then breaks the surface, with the ball in its mouth. A hawk swoops down and grabs the fish...as it's flying, the fish drops the ball, and a squirrel runs down a tree trunk, grabs the ball, and drops it into the hole. Jesus said, "good shot, dad." A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were sitting around having coffee one day, and got onto the subject of how they distributed offerings. The rabbi said, "we have a pretty good system, I think. I take a piece of string, make a circle on my desk, throw up the offering plate, and whatever lands inside the circle goes to God, whatever lands outside the circle goes to the church." They all nodded, and the minister said, "that's a pretty good system, but I think ours is better. I take a piece of string, separate my office into halves with it, and then stand on it and throw the offering plate up. Whatever lands on the right goes to God, whatever lands on the left goes to the church." The priest smiled, and said, "We in the Catholic church have a foolproof method for division of the offering. I stand in the middle of my office, throw up the offering plate, and yell, "KEEP WHAT YOU WANT!" Sidhe |
Men Versus Women
> > > >He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've >got nothing to put in it. She said .. . . You wear >pants don't you? > >He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? >She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the >ironing board while I sit on the sofa. > >He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the >grocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways >and look in the mirror! > >On a wall in a ladies room . .. . "My husband follows >me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not" > >Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the >world does it take to do the dishes? >A. Both of them. > >Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the >future? >A. He buys two cases of beer. > >Q. What is the difference between men and government >bonds? >A. The bonds mature. > >Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? > A. So men can remember them. > >Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of >toilet paper? >A. We don't know; it has never happened. > >Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, >caring and good-looking? >A. They already have boyfriends. > >Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her >husband is every night? >A. A widow. > >Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? >A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge >and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in >bed and go to the fridge. > >Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars >have in common? >A. They're married. > >Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so >beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." >But God," the man says, "why did you make her so >dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." |
Someone sent this to me, and I thought the guys would appreciate it. BTW, be sure to let us know if you actually TRY any of these suggestions *grin*
15 Things to do at Walmart while your wife is taking her sweet ass time: 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares"... and see what happens. 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible". 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!" 15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "Hey! You're out of toilet paper in here!" |
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy." A cop friend of mine sent me the following: NYPD Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?" The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'" |
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. (Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's last year's list.)
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. I don't know about y'all, but I had to laugh when I read this, because EVERYTHING applies to me...I never think of myself as "old" until I read stuff like this. |
I did one for the guys, now here's one for us girls. I don't know about y'all, but I remember ALL of this stuff *sigh*
You know you were a little girl in the '70s if ... 1. You wore that rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other. 2. You made baby chocolate cakes in your Holly Hobbie Easy Bake Oven. You washed them down with the Snoopy Snow Cone Machine. 3. You had that Fisher-Price doctor's kit with a stethoscope that actually worked. After training with these tools you became an expert at the game of Operation. 4. Legos, Legos, Legos. 5. You owned a Schwinn bicycle with a floral banana seat and a basket. In the early '80s you moved on to the ever-popular 10-speed. Gosh that seat hurt. 6. Your roller skates had metal wheels. 7. You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute. You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island. 8. You had rubber boots for rainy days. Your shoes actually fit inside of the boots (with a little help from your mom and some plastic bags). 9. You had Sea Wees in your bathtub. 10. You had either a "bowl cut" or a "pixie" (not to mention the "Dorothy Hamill") because your mom was sick of braiding your hair. How traumatic when people thought you were a boy. 11. Your Holly Hobby sleeping bag was your most prized possession. 12. You wore a poncho with your faux fur muff and your clogs. 13. You begged Santa for the electronic game ... Simon. 14. You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple shredded outfits. 15. You spent hours out back on your metal swing set with the trapeze. 16. You were into Ping-Pong. 17. You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color. 18. You kept losing your mittens so your mom bought you the kind that were attached by a string. 19. Your Hello Kitty pencil case was cuter than anyone else's. 20. You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad. You wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffled shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture. You despised Nellie Olson! 21. You wanted your first kiss to be at the roller rink. 22. You tried to make sure that no boys would grab the comb out of your back pocket and skate away at the roller rink. 23. Your hairstyle was described as having "wings." 24. You thought Shaun Cassidy actually wrote the songs "Da Do Run Run" and "Hey There Lonely Girl." 25. Strawberry Shortcake and her friends Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie. 26. You couldn't wait to be old enough to wear high-heeled shoes ... the one's called Yo Yo's with the plastic heel with a hole through it. 27. You carried a Muppets lunchbox to school. 28. You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard was your boyfriend or who would get to be Ginger and who got stuck being Mary Anne. 29. You memorized every song in the Annie movie and know at least one person who immediately went out and got the Annie afro. Every now and then "It's A Hard Knock Life" will pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it all day. 30. You had Star Wars action figures, too. 31. You thought unicorns were real. 32. It was a big event in your household each year when The Wizard of Oz would come on TV. Break out the popcorn and sleeping bags! 33. You wanted to be a part of the Von Trapp family. 34. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. 35. You loved The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe so much you got the whole Chronicles of Narnia series for Christmas but never read the other books. 36. You crawled in a wardrobe somewhere and actually believed for a few seconds that you were on your way to Narnia. 37. You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, Footloose and Flashdance soundtrack albums. 38. You tried to do lots of arts-and-crafts things, like yarn-&-Popsicle-stick god's-eyes or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom. 39. Shrinky-dinks! 40. You used to tape-record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape recorder up to the speaker. 41. You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Scholastic book orders your teacher would give you. Remember? The order catalogs looked like miniature newspapers. 42. You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume books. Are you there God? It's me, Margaret. 43. Care Bears. 44. You thought Olivia Newton-John's song "Physical" was about aerobics. 45. Wiggles jeans with the embroidery on the back pockets. 46. Friendship pins that you wore on your tennis shoes. 47. Shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs. 48. You wore knickers. 49. You collected Smurfs. 50. You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer. |
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After
his talk he offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the fuck happened to Billy?" |
from the WalMart list: I've done 1,5 and 15....so far.
and can you explain numbers 33 and 34 to me? I don'r seem to recall my little sister and those two. Brian |
Long, but Enjoy
We had Jehovah Witnesses show up today, made me think of this.......
Kissing Hank's Ass A parable by Rev. Jim Huber There is a point to this story. You've just got to see it. Think analogies....... This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first: John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary." Mary: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us." Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?" John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you." Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?" John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss his ass." Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..." Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?" Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..." John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us." Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?" Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..." Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?" John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town." Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?" Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you." Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?" John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money." Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?" John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it." Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?" Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street." Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?" John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'" Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game." John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit of you." Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from him..." Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank." Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?" John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on." Me: "Who's Karl?" Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times." Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?" John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself." From the desk of Karl 1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. 2. .Drink only in moderation. 3. .Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you. 4. .Eat right. 5. .Hank dictated this list Himself. 6. .The moon is made of green cheese. 7. .Everything Hank says is right. 8. .Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. 9. .Don't use alcohol. 10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments. 11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you. Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead." Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper." Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting." John: "Of course, Hank dictated it." Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?" Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people." Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?" Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right." Me: "How do you figure that?" Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!" Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up." John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too." Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong." John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure." Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..." Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese." Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese." John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!" Me: "We do?" Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so." Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'" John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking." Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?" Mary: She blushes. John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong." Me: "What if I don't have a bun?" John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong." Me: "No relish? No Mustard?" Mary: She looks positively stricken. John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!" Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?" Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la." John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..." Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time." Mary: She faints. John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater." With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off. |
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to
spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. |
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The Pastor's Mother and the Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please." she answered. "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered. |
One afternoon Joe wanders into his regular tavern, but a little later than usual. Murph, the bartender, notices that Joe is in a particularly good mood.
"Hey Joe, what's up?" "Murph, you won't believe it. I was walking along the railroad tracks on my way here, like I always do, and guess what? There was this naked woman tied to the track." "No shit! What did you do?" "What do you think? I cut her loose, and then we proceeded to have sex practically every way you can imagine!" "Wow, that's cool, Joe. Did you get a blow job too?" "Well, I wanted one, only I couldn't find her head." |
Man, I definitely did *not* see that coming...but then, I guess she didn't, either.
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Gotta credit Wolf with this one.:D
ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou ABBOT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou ABBOT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOT: Yes COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue w COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOT: Real One. COSTELLO: if it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them? ABBOT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great, with what? ABBOT: Real One. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOT: You click the blue 1 COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue w is w\Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows! ABBOT: No, just one. but it's the most popular Word in the world COSTELLO: It is? ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer? ABBOT: Money COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOT: One copy COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOT: Why not, they own it. |
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.
They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive. Women who sleep on their stomachs are competent. Women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular. |
One day, Bill comes home from the pickle factory where he works and confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill says heíd be too embarrassed, and he vows to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill comes home absolutely ashen.
"What's wrong, Bill?" his wife asks. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "She and I both got fired." |
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the Facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy “. |
A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" |
Little Tommy reminded me of Little Wille.
Also might be appropriate for the parenting forum. :D Little Willie hung his sister She was dead before we missed her Willie's always up to tricks Ain't he cute? He's only six! Willie poisoned his father's tea His father died in agony Mother came and looked quite vexed "Really, Will," she said, "What next!" Willie fell down the elevator, Wasn't found 'till six days later. All the neighbors cried, "Gee whiz! What a spoiled child Willie is!" |
Good old Willie...
Willie, with a thirst for gore,
nailed his sister to the door. His mother said, with humor quaint, "Willie, dear, don't scratch the paint!" Down the family wishing well Willie pushed his sister Nell. She's there yet, because it kilt her. Now we have to buy a filter. Willie saw some dynamite. Couldn't understand it quite. Curiosity seldom pays. It rained Willie seven days. |
I apologize in advance.
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Bush cost me my job, my kids and my houses
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions.
They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job. This competition could hardly be called "fair." I was forced out of the place where I had worked for 34 years. Not a single government program was there to help me. How can Bush call himself "compassionate?" Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is indescribable. While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a Christian when he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live in a hole in a ground, all because of President Bush. And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a Christian. If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party. If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my dear sons! Regards, Saddam Hussein |
Re: Bush cost me my job, my kids and my houses
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Two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted on the playground.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam," replied the second. "My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Joshua. "No, just the regular kind," replied Adam. :) |
1. What's the difference between a dead lawyer lying in the road and a dead skunk lying in the road?
There are skidmarks infront of the skunk. 2. A man walks into a bar and says, "All lawyers are assholes!" A guy sitting in the corner replies, "Hey, I take offence to that!" "Why?" askes the first man, "are you a lawyer?" The other guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole." |
Top Ten Rejected Valentine Cards!!
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store. In hopes that later, you'd be my wh*re. 7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night. 6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm spanking your big, round, fat ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled... so make me a sandwich!!! 4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown... but so has your ass. 3. You're a honey, you're a cutie I just wish you had J.Lo's booty. 2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny! 1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister You should check out the one that I gave to your sister. |
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.99. Deer nuts are under a buck. |
have you heard the procrastination joke?
Maybe I'll tell it tomorrow or something. |
Redneck Greeting Cards
So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day... look on the bright side, she's a really good lay. My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry. You had your Bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry |
How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 53 to flame the spell checkers 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy" 109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped 111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three" 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ 44 to ask what is a "FAQ" 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.... |
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Nah...he doesn't normally do that sort of thing. He would throw in Action News and MBAs, however.
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Don't forget quoting a lengthy, but unrelated, article from The Economist.
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what makes military guys laugh pt. 1
Ten reasons why it is easier to have a handgun than a woman
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s #9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road. #8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. #7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup. #6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo. #5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month. #3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?" #2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS EASIER THAN A WOMAN . . #1- You can buy a silencer for a handgun. |
more military jokes (lol these are it, unless you want dirty ones)
>U.S. Marine Corp Rules for Gun Fighting:
> >1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your >friends who have guns. > > >2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Your >life is expensive. > > >3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss. > > >4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough >nor using cover correctly. > > >5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and >diagonal movement are preferred.) > > >6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a >friend with a long gun. > > >7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or >tactics. They will only remember who lived. > > >8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and >running. > > >9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more >dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun. > > >9.5 Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. > > >10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to >beat you to death with it because it is empty. > > >11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. > > >12. Have a plan. > > >13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. > > >14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. > > >15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect Your Ass. > > >16. Don't drop your guard. > > >17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. > > >18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust, everyone else, keep >your hands where I can see them). > > >19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH. > > >20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get. > > >21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone and >everything you meet and see. > > >22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. > > >23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to >avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation. > > >24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not >start with a ".4" > > > >Navy Rules to Gun Fighting: > > >1. Go to Sea. > > >2. Send in the Marines. > > >3. Drink Coffee. > > >4. Play with your Inflatable Doll. > > > >Army Rules to Gun Fighting: > > >1. Go Back to Sleep. > > >2. Send in the Marines. > > >3. Wake up and have a Cup of Coffee. > > >4. Tell the General the Enemy Retreated and Couldn't be Found. > > > >Air Force Rules to Gun Fighting: > > >1. Blow the shit out of everything on the ground. > > >2. Send in the Marines to kill whatâ?Ts left. > > >3. Have a Cup of Coffee and wait for the Marine Recon Report. > > >4. Take ALL the Credit. > > > |
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good--the best I ever had! You hear me, boy? I said I got it on with your grandma!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma moaned and groaned 'cause she liked it! Now what do you think of that, boy?" At this point the biker stands up, grabs the drunk by the shoulders and says "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!" |
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33. The Von Trapp Family was the singing family from "The Sound of Music" 34. "Light as a feather, stiff as a board"...it's a thing you do with about ten people or so... we used to do it at summer camp. One person lies on the floor, and everyone else sits around them, with one finger of each hand under their body. The person at the prone person's head tells a story about how the person "died," while the rest of the people are chanting "light as a feather, stiff as a board." Supposedly, at the end of the story, everyone lifts up, and are able to lift the prone person with just two fingers under the body each. Of course, if you have ten people, it's easy to lift one person with twenty fingers....but it was really spooky and cool when you were a kid....:) Sidhe |
Re: more military jokes (lol these are it, unless you want dirty ones)
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Silent Service rules for Gun Fighting 1) Always clear your baffles 2) Silence is your friend, and your only armor 3) There's no such thing as a target too small to use 650 pounds of PBX-105 High Explosive on 4) When in doubt, run deep and fast 5) Lather, rinse, repeat as needed until there are no more floating targets |
lol excellent addition.
i should note that the rules were sent to me by a marine buddy -- the views expressed therein do not necessarily reflect those of this station or its affiliates, etc. etc. Plus, marines are nuts. |
two condoms walking down the street, they pass a gay bar.
1st condom to 2nd condom " lets go in here and get shit faced " |
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Not ALL Jar heads are nuts , just the ones that NEED to be !!! SEMPER FI , DO OR DIE !!!!! P.S. Ya flippin' Swaby !!!!!! |
I take it that you are one of the nuts, correct?
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We only kept marines around to carry our shit. We didn't even need them for security. A bunch of sea going bellhops. |
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