Good idea. Please take care.

Glad to hear that Deuce.

THank goodness. Please post whenever you need to.

We are here for you.

Hang in there, Deuce. Get professional assistance and keep talking to us, as you want. You are important to us, and others, I am sure.

Duece please post so that at least we know you are ok. My thoughts and prayers are with you. If there is anything I can do......

Deuce, I am so glad you called for help. Please never be afraid to ask for help or take help that's offered. You cannot imagine what an appalling tragedy it would be for your family if you were to kill yourself. Believe me - I do know what I am talking about.
I'm with all the others here - your life has worth, but you cannot see that yourself right now. Please stay with us.

Thank you Duece.

Well I did it, I've moved - with a lot of help. Dana didn't give any sense of what a lifesaver she was in her post - I felt incapable of moving from my sofa, let alone Leicester until she came into my flat. In fact I tried to persuade her not to help me but for the two of us to sneak off to an all you can eat South Indian buffet instead... but she's made of stronger stuff than me.

Anyway, I will post more in the Cities & Travel thread re my new living arrangements, but just to say I've arrived safely. I am going to try and get registered on Monday at my HM's doctors and try to start getting straightened out.

Thanks again - a million times - to Dana, and to everyone kind enough to offer online support.

Ah, the first step.... the tough one. It's all good from here on in. Congratulations. Thanks, Dana.

Well done Dana, well done SG!

Hey, Sundae, good to hear from you. I'm glad things are looking better for you, and it's also good to know that modesty is on Dana's long list of virtues.

I hope your new home will be a very happy one. Keep up the good work; you deserve all the benefits that will come from it.

Glad to hear from you, Sundae. I hope you'll be around more often now that you've finished your move. And thanks, Dana--the world needs more people who are insistent on helping others in need. :)

Well I'm getting organised, and happier. My first emotion when I wake up isn't fear, and the knot in my stomach seems to be loosening. It doesn't feel like real life yet, but that's possibly because it doesn't conform to what I have been brought up to see as normal - get up, go to work, earn some money, spend some money, come home.

I am registered with a good, modern practice and my GP has put me back on paroxetine (Seroxat/ Paxil). I go back in 30 days to see how I'm getting on. I'm waiting for the side effects to kick in like they did last time - the loss of appetite would be helpful for a start! I don't know if it has less effect if you've taken it before - that sounds like dodgy science, but I have to think of some reason I'm not twitching like a fool this time...

I seem to be eligible for a number of benefits that will allow me to mend myself before having to find work. I feel slightly sheepish about this, and certainly about admitting it here where I know benefits are considered to be a cop-out unless you are actually physically incapable of work. In my defence I do have a very strong work ethic and have had two or three simultaneous jobs most of my adult life. I have never had any form of support from the system (aside from things that everyone has like education and healthcare) and I genuinely feel if I take this time and get myself properly well I will be able to make a much more effective contribution to society. And yes, I'm justifying it to myself more than you.

Unfortunately I had to get back in contact with my previous workplace to get my final payslip (lost in the move) before I can complete my claim. Despite asking them on Monday and explaining I was penniless until the forms were processed, I have still not received this - which I feel is a little disrespectful when I worked hard for them for over 3 years and bent over backwards to be helpful and accommodating. So the short term money situation is grim - probably another 2 weeks before I get it sorted. Still, there is food in the freezer and cupboard, I have a huge plasma screen tv with satellite channels and the boys and I have a clean, safe home over our heads so I really mustn't sulk - things could be so much worse.

On Monday I go to a clinic to discuss my issues with alcohol. The counselling service I was originally referred to suggested I may be alcohol dependent, so I have to see a medical service before they can take me. Although I've been referred, it's essentially a self-referral clinic and Monday is their drop in day, so it's not like I'm considered a serious problem to the rest of the population. I just figured while I was trying to sort my life out I may as well try to sort it all out.

I feel I've been given a period of grace - it might be the eye of the storm but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts at least. I've been reading, watching tv and taking reasonably long walks. I've been able to unpack all my belongings, arrange my room, keep myself and my clothes and this place clean and contact the various authorities in order to get in order, if you see what I mean. I see all this as very positive. I can only trust that there will be progress, in its own time, and ambition, and a return to normal life.

More positives - that's great, SG. It sounds like you're being honest with yourself; while that's not always easy it can make all the difference in the world. You keep taking good care of yourself. Good luck with the wankers and that payslip, too.

Hey SG - nice to see you heading in the direction thats right for *you*.

Dont give the benefits a second thought, this is you time and you have done more than your fair share to contribute to the time you need to take now.


I am constantly amazed at what lies behind dwellars every day posts and I have to selfishly admit that it makes it a tiny bit easier for me when I have those *moments*. It just helps me remember that everyone has issues in some shape or form and I am not broken when I have them.

Sorry SG, didnt mean to hijack your posts, it just amazes me that someone as kind and giving as you, and someone who can put together the kind of posts you do....some issues that need to be dealt with too.

I hope that doesnt offend you (or anyone) at all, I'm having trouble putting thoughts into words tonite.

I'm wishing you the best, Sundae.

Wow, Bri!
Welcome back!

Thanks, Sundae.

You so deserve this time. Try not to feel guilty about it. Just breathe and take it in. I'm rooting for you, you know.

Sundae, I'm glad things seem to be improving for you. I think this move was a good thing for you.

Brianna, it's good to see you back.

SG - take your time to heal yourself. Depression is incapacitating, so don't feel sheepish about using incapacity benefit to help you out of it. You paid in to the system so that you can use it in time of need.
Wishing you all the best!

You can do it gal!

Wonderful to hear that things are looking up! Keep us posted.

SG I think its great that you are "getting things together." Don't feel bad at all for utilizing the benefits from the system - YOU are the kind of person those benefits were created for in the first place. I would much rather they go to someone like you than others who simply abuse the system or live off of it. Take your time and sort it all out - I wish you the best. I hope & pray for a speedy return/recovery.

Oh and welcome back Bri - I missed you.

SG great job with the progress you've made thus far. Could we have pics of you and your new surrounding asap please?

I'm glad things are going better for you SG. Good luck with the counselling. Everyone needs a bit of help sometimes.

Deuce, how are you doing?

You can see enough of other's viewpoints to extrapolate some pretty deep stuff ... you see some of your value through others eyes, how's about through your own?

Hello wolf, all.

Thank you for thinking of me and asking about me. Today's a good day. I'm not trying too hard, mostly just coasting along, trying to avoid situations where conflict might be likely. A respite of sorts.

Counselor (pedantically) repeated his suggestions for how to be happy (paraphrasing). Frankly the last session was a waste of time and $200. Another chorus of "you can only take care of you" and "when you let go of attachment to outcome, you'll be free from pain" and how to get in touch with my core spirit, and how acting and being outside that core is bad and how to get back to that center.

Here's my disconnect with his viewpoint. He says detachment from outcome frees me from the pain of disappointment, inevitable disappointment. (I'm not really explaining it very well. If you're having trouble following along, it's not you... it's kind of screwy and I'm telling it poorly. Sorry.) To me that means, "don't care" how things turn out--he says no. The difference is lost on me.

When I was younger, I read a great book by Zig Ziglar See You At The Top. Among the positive impressions the book made on me, was a story about the value of setting goals. There were two illustrations that have stayed with me. Imagine a basketball player shooting a free throw. He takes the ball, lines up, he shoots, he scores! Easy peasy. But now, take that same fella, blindfold him, turn him around twenty times put the ball somewhere on the floor, what do you have? An absurd example, sure. But the point I took from it was that to hit the target, you have to have an idea where that target is. It's helpful to see the target, and to have the ball, and to shoot it. The other example was of a mountain climber. No one, *ever* looked around, startled and surprised, to find themselves on top of Mount Everest. To get to the top, you have to plan, and work. It will not just fall into your lap, "whoa! where'd that come from?!" None of my goals will happen that way.

So when I'm counseled to abandon my .... attachment to outcome (? wtf?!), it frankly doesn't compute. I *know* what I want. I'm not vague about that. I am also flexible as to the method by which I arrive at that goal. I dont' care if it's a blue highway, or surface streets or whatever. Give up my attachment to outcome? Like, just get in the car and drive and *hope* I wind up at work? I wonder what his take on abandoning attachment to outcome would be if I was indifferent about bringing his fee to the appointment.

I want a happy marriage. I'm willing to work, work hard, at that noble worthy task. I want good communication. That can be hard as well, but I'm in for that one too. But each of those goals requires a similar commitment from another person. *That*, my friends, is out of my control. And that is a problem. I can't control another person. Frankly, despite the lies in the press to the contrary, I don't want to control anyone else. I have a hard enough time controlling myself. I want an equal. I want a partner. I don't want a mommy-surrogate, or a pet, or a toy. An adult whose goals and commitements are aligned with my goals and commitments. An adult whose priorities resemble mine. That is my goal.

The path I have been following toward that goal has been with my wife, naturally. But, needless to say, I have not reached either of those goals. I haven't spent much time enjoying either one. Neither is a finish line to cross, more of a ... zone, a space. And I've been absent from them, no, alone in my labors in whatever space I have been in.

So for the last several days, I have been striving and failing, rinse repeat. God, it's tiresome. So I gave up. I invited my wife to have dinner with me and my mom, for her birthday last night. W never sees M, maybe two or three times a year. Hemmed, hawed, passively declined. "Oh, I have some club stuff to do". Whatever. "Invite her grandson." So I called home, only to find out that they had planned a trip to the mall, and I just declined to invite. I can't compete. I "let go of the outcome". Sure enough, after dinner with mom, I got a ration at home as to why I didn't ask the boy. I said I was tired of getting turned down and didn't want to compete with a shopping trip. "Oh, but he would probably have said yes, if only you'd asked him." *sigh*

I'm rambling.. and whining. Two of my least favorite things, on either end of the transaction. Sorry.

I'm ok today. At the counseling appointment, he asked what I did to make the conflicts I had with other people worse. I thought for a little while and said I could identify two aspects of my behavior that made (the inevitable) conflicts with those around me less smooth than they could be. The first was a tendency to do more than I ought to in a given relationship. Spoiling kids, for example. Over-pleasing. His take was that this was an innocent but misguided attempt to get love or approval of the other person. There's the ring of truth to this. He said actions inside my comfort zone were just part of my good nature. Sure, I'm a people pleaser. But that actions outside my comfort zone, especially as they got bigger and bigger without generating the desired approval / reciprocity / love from the subject of my actions would accumulate a certain amount of resentment.

And that that resentment built up until some day when the cap is left off the toothpaste... POW! To the moon, Alice! Ok. I understand how that could flow. He dovetailed it nicely into the second aspect of my behavior that I suggested made my conflicts worse, and that was high rigid standards.

He connected A to B neatly saying if that little boy inside me didn't get the love he sought, that he deserved, especially after the foot massage and the pony, that the tantrum that followed was inevitable. Hmm. This I followed, but didn't buy. I'm not talking about a tantrum. I have been disappointed, yes, but I'm a grown man, not a child. Let me ask you (as I asked him), does this sound like a tantrum? Like rigidity?

His key point in this whole millieu is that the striving for love and approval is the action of the ego, and doomed. It doesn't come from one's center. And being off balance by definition will wind up in the ditch. Furthermore, each other person is working from *their* ego and similarly unbalanced. On top of that, the little boy inside seeking love and comfort and security (he exists, but he doesn't run the show) can not be satisfied by some outside source of the love he seeks, for two reasons. One, he's a hole with no bottom (and everyone else is too, in their ego-centric way). And two, that no one has that to give. A deadly combo. He proposes this solution. Return to your own center. Realize the needs and the potent delusion of that little boy, but live act and think from your center. Where your soul is, where your strength is, where your backbone is. Return to that center by breathing. By meditation. By giving yourself permission to feel [......] negative feeling.

About this time I'm hearing the little finger cymbals in the background and the oooommm mani padme oooommmm.... I don't mean to disparage it completely, but ... that's not, seriously NOT what I'm looking for when I came in. I was looking for some tools to help me communicate with my wife. Some somethings to help us get out of the ditch when we drove into it (which happens a-l-l the time). No gots. Shit.

Then he hits me (again) with the punchline, that abandoning attachment to outcome, acting from my center, the power of an open heart, would make me exactly the thing she would want to be around. Uh-huh. Rite.

Strangely, last night, after my dinner with my mom (alone, not with wife or son), I took my resigned self home and did a little computer work, and kept to myself. Wife made a number of conversational gambits. !! But they weren't very fruitful. Being disconnected from outcome did relieve some of the anxiety, but being off, disconnected, aloof. What's the damn point? I'm a living passionate man, I don't want to be shut down. I don't play hard to get. I'm plain spoken, and being unconcerned about the outcome just doesn't sit well with me. I am not uncaring. I do care. And caring more risks more and hurts more. Don't get me wrong. I'm not making some ongoing emotional cost benefit analysis. I simply am a man with strong feelings. Ones I can't turn off. I can exert a measure of control over them, but I can't deny them. I can't not have them.

I do have that little boy inside. He does want love and approval. So does the man that is in my soulful center. I'm not seeking to be validated only by external sources. I do have a strong sense of my own worth. It is true that that vision is sometimes clouded by pain and despair. Those are the times when the feelings are the dominant drivers of my thoughts and actions. It's like hydroplaning on the highway. I have to just hang on and try not to exacerbate the out of control situation. No big motions, no wild overreactions, in a minute (if we don't hit a tree) my head and hands will be in charge once more. Today, my head's in charge.

It's good to hear from you, Deuce. I'm glad you've got a counselor and hope that he works out well for you despite the confusion and your discontent with your last session.

Indeed, today looks like a good day for you. This post seems more calm and collected than some others. It is heartening that you have some moments of relative peace.

I continue to pray for you and wish you the best. May you have strength, courage, and success in all your efforts.

Deuce, good to hear from you!

Maybe it would have made more sense if the counselor had said, "expectation of" instead of "attachment to" an outcome?

In my own experience...wanting to please others is great, but only if doing it pleases you, or you're willing to make a sacrifice in some situations. Because when you expect that your good deeds will and/or should be reciprocated, you set yourself up for disappointment.

I just saw these latest posts.

I don't know if the people in my "real" life understand it, but I feel lucky to have found a community such as this. So many of us are struggling with ourselves: who am I, why am I here, does it matter. To know that people here I care about, and respect, have issues makes me feel less alone in the world, and I think that it affects others here in the same way.

SG: you know I think the world of you, girl. This reprieve sounds like what you need. Use it to your advantage, and don't feel guilty that you can have such an opportunity. I see abuses of the system all the time, but to balance that are those who have earned the right to utilize the benefits, and make the most of it. You are definitely in the latter category.

Duece: sounds like you are heading up the right road. I wish you all the best. I know it's not easy.

Brianna: I miss you. You're a funny, smart person. I hope we see you around here more.

Duece, there's a book by a priest (I know, funny coming from me) which is about exactly what your shrink(?) is talking about. I'm just trying to think of the book and author name without having to go get it off the book shelf. Anyway, it talks about exactly that, and it's a great philosophy. Oooh, the name of the book is Awareness. Now let me think of the Author. I'll probably have to look it up. Anthony De Mello.

Anyway, it's only a pulp fiction sized book, so doesn't take long to read.

Might be worth a look if you have the time. I've found that although I don't totally 'get' everything or how to actually do it, there are some great tips.

Quick update on my situation, because this is where the rest of the information is.

I finally received my payslip on Monday and promptly sent off my benefit claim. I haven't heard anything yet, but I have reasonable confidence that some money will go into my account this week. The trouble is, while I've been waiting, charges have been applied to my account because I was overdrawn without authorisation. I may not actually have any spending money until mid month. I'm very lucky to be in the situation I'm in and not dependent on the money for food or in danger of being evicted if I don't pay rent. To be on the safe side, as soon as I get my first housing benefit I'm going to change the recipient so my housemate (genuinely my landlord, just not on my back about payment) will get the money direct to the account he pays his mortgage from.

Money isn't a major worry for me here and now though - it will sort itself at at some point, and getting well is more of a priority. I will change my tune if they close my bank account of course, that would be a major hassle - keep your fingers crossed my money goes in soon for that reason!

I went to the alcohol counselling centre on Monday. It was a drop-in self referral clinic, although I had already been referred officially, the lady I spoke to said I should go along as soon as possible. When I got there I was terrified. There were a couple of stereotypical alcoholics outside, with the leathered faces and vacant stares of those are only supported by their clothes and hope of the next drink. I threw back my pretty head and hoped anyone looking would assume I was a member of staff. I inwardly laughed at my own arrogance of course.

After waiting about 40 minutes I talked to a very understanding lady. She was pleasant enough, but didn't listen very well given her profession. I suppose that's really mean of me, given that it's a free service, but I wonder about the notes she makes during counselling if she has trouble taking down factual information. It's not like I was crying or mumbling - having run the gauntlet coming in I was determined to be all Dragnet about things - just the facts Ma'am.

Anyway, I am on a waiting list for a full assessment, then they will determine what help I need and whether they are the right place to provide it. I feel I am at the lower end of the people they deal with (in terms of the seriousness of the situation) if not off their scale completely. We'll see.

As we finished she checked the time and noted that there was a session of free ear acupuncture running. She seemed so excited to be able to offer me the opportunity that I felt only a hardbitten old cynic could disappoint her. Having used up my store of hardbitten that day I went along.

Now I am NOT a people person. I was NOT happy to find I was about to be punctured in the company of two men who certainly looked like they met the centre's criteria for treatment. And I certainly wasn't going to enjoy a relaxing session in a room full of filing cabinets and posters about Hepatitis, and no amount of new age music or incense was going to change that. Anyway I think if any alternative therapies worked they would be earning a multi-national company a fortune in the same way drugs do.

Not that I was approaching it with a closed mind of course.

It hurt. Not on the left, but on the right ear. She said it was because I was right handed, so my right side was more sensitive. I thought, no you're getting sloppy as you go on you silly mare. But once they were in, I retreated to a corner and put my feet up, prepared to do the breathing exercises sugested and see how I got on.

It was great.

I drifted away - awake and conscious, but uncaring of my surreal surroundings. I loved it. I'm going back next week. Long term effects - doubtful. Short term - a sore ear. But those 45 minutes were blissful and I'll keep going until their funding (for this anyway) runs out in September.

Oh and I went to see my parents on Friday - they're housesitting in Richmond (VERY swanky part of London). We had a lovely walk in Richmond Park, failed to see any deer despite the fact my Mum promised them to me - all I got was slight sunburn. They took me for a pub meal and were very good to me. They made me feel normal and like a good daughter, not a depressed dolescum alcoholic. Bless them.

So - waiting to hear from the benefit office and the counselling centre. In the mean time walking as much as I can, eating three sensible meals a day and getting into a routine. Despite the seroxat causing sleep problems I do feel calmer and less prone to panic about things. Onwards and upwards.

I'm glad to see you again SG. I've missed you around the traps.

Yup, good to see you SG.
Wishing you well.

It's good to see you again rkz. Your son must be happy to have you home again huh?

Yeah, he is hyper as hell. Good to see. He stayed up till midnight.

Well that's what kids are good for. :)

It seriously is good to see you home again though. There were a lot of people here very worried about you.

Thanks and I appreciated all the great posts. Means a lot to me and it meant a lot to Kan.

Thats cuz you mean a lot to us - you're an integral part of the community.

Hope your feeling better soon - I have noticed that you've been posting in other areas - kind of getting more involved:)

The one good thing about days Deuce, is they're only ever 24 hours long. Tomorrow may be a better day. Even if it's not, the one after might.

You're going to have your assortment of good days and sad days, strange days, and days you're not yet ready to allow yourself to recognize as having been absolutely normal. Just keep having days. They're all different, if you look for it.

Poor thing. oh sad. Situational depression is the worst- because there a lot of things you don't control....and don't know how they are going to turn out. Sorry Deuce.
These things take a lot of time. It's not forever though.

Focus helps too - one foot after the other and one day after the next - they all add up to this trip we call life. FWIW today totally sucked for me too. I'm way ahead of you on the situational scale, but those days they come and then they go - if we let them go, that is. They also get a lot less frequent as time passes. Hang tight buddy.

close the windows, draw the curtains.
Sit down.

no, don't reach for it, we'll bring it to you.
Look here.

see these things, see these pictures?
Remember these?

this was your wife, these were your children.
You loved them.

your work is done, you are unneeded and unwelcome.
Go away.

You are needed you are wanted - you are welcome You ARE LOVED - don't lose sight of that - draw the curtains open the window and let the world in.

Your children still love and need you. Now more than ever.

I would suggest going somewhere on-line, someone please help me with this, where kids deal with having parents who have killed themselves.
They ALWAYS blame themselves. "Was I not enough for him/her to stay?" "What did I do?"
There have been times where it is the only think that has kept me alive.
I have gotten past that, but I could never leave that on him.

There's no shame in calling the helpline again Deuce.

Right now, this is it, the raw edge of it. But you won't always be at the raw edge. There will come a time, and you have to believe this, that you will feel okay. There will come a time when things are easier. And you will find yourself feeling okay, feeling strong. You just have to ride this out as best you can and has horrible as it is: it is not forever, it is not your life, it is the here and now and it will pass as everything does.

I don't know you and I haven't followed your saga. But I can tell you that I am about to log off because I have to leave now for a very dear friend's funeral. He took his own life 3 days ago rather than split up with his partner. He couldn't imagine life outside of the relationship and decided it wasn't worth it. I have spoken to literally hundreds of people in the last 3 days that are stunned and horrified at the loss of this good man. He was a good friend to each and every one of us. He was always there. Yet he saw no value in his life. So we don't have him anymore.
Pick up the phone and call a friend right now. Tell him/her how you are feeling. Don't stop talking until you can't think of another word to say. The ask them to hold you accountable for your emotional state on a daily basis. The people around you DO want to help. I'm sure of that.
Hire a professional to walk you through this emotional mess. Do it immediately. A permanent solution to a temporary problem is never the answer.

Dear lookout123,

I am very saddened to hear about your tragic loss. You don't know me, or my saga, but I have read what you have written and my heart breaks.

I am that man. There is no such friend for me. Letting go has been the most on target, repeated advice given to me lately. I am letting go. How do you let go of your heart?

I'm so sorry to hear your story, I'm sorry.

I guess some clarification is in order. I don't "want to die". But I am so sad. I have been exsanguinated. Drained. Wrung. Dessicated. Squeezed and crushed. It's all tears, all the time.

Today I am just profoundly, deeply sad. I'm so sad.

I've been there, done that, and I have the t-shirt. If you've read my divorce (filed under Merry F'in Chrismas) story then you know some of what I went through a year or so ago. All I can say is that there is no easy way to let go. But there will be a moment in the coming days when you will stop and say "hey, i feel pretty good". And then that will pass and you'll feel horrible again. Then another bright shining moment will come and it will last longer. After a little while you will wake up to realize that although there are still rough patches, you actually feel alive again. That is when you are turning the corner. Then you'll find yourself noticing how much happier you are now that you don't have to deal with "A" that the ex used to say or do. You will find more and more of that until one day, a day you can't even imagine right now - you will wake up and spend the whole day doing whatever it is that you do without really missing that other person. Now it is time to start enjoying life.
I suggest counseling just to help you walk through it, but counselors aren't magicians. The pain won't magically go away. It's like breaking a bone. The pain goes away so gradually that you don't even notice it until one day you realize you are pain free.

Keep getting up every day and living life. Create a new routine. Find a new hobby. Stay busy. It gets better.

That's some very sound advice Lookout.

L123 is correct

I'm 3 1/2 years into my divorce and all I can think about her now is, what a fuckin' bitch. Holy crap, how did I let myself get controlled so horribly by a woman who never really loved me. She's such a competitive person, how can she be such a downright loser in the long run. What a stupid relationship it was and how I couldn't see that while I was in it. I bawled like a baby when we split up, now I laugh at what a happier life I have. And also, what a loving relationship I have now with Jacquelita, better in every way. This is not bragging, just to point out how things change over time. Your thoughts about her and what she did and what she does, will change dramatically over time. I Guarantee It.

You've hit the nail on the head there UT. It's always hard at the begining...but time really does change your perspective.

L123 said it better than I could - and UT furthered it - I agree 100%

Deuce--YOU have HELPED ME! Reading this thread has really helped and encouraged me--you are NOT a nothing with no one--you have me! And see---? you don't even know me!

I am now getting my benefits through regularly every two weeks, although my budgeting still leaves a lot to be desired. I'm not paying my share of the bills yet - although my half of the mortgage is paid for me - it would be very tricky if I had to. I've always defended people living on benefits against those who suggest it's living off the fat of the land. I'm glad I did now - it would be vey hard if I didn't have a solvent and understanding friend as a landlord.

I now get 1/2 price travel on buses and trams - 50p a journey, with a cap of £1.50 per 24 hours (all done electronically by swiping a card). This is marvellous and I've been learning the local bus routes. Once I get a new battery charger for my camera I promise I'll take some clips for you.

I'm still up & down mood-wise. find it hard to be in crowds, to feel confident I've done something simple like got the right bus-stop and some days it takes me til 14.00 to get the motivation to do something like load the dishwasher or go to the shops. Some days however I get up at 09.00, have a bath, pack a lunh and a book an hit the town.

Eating is still tricky - I often survive on two meals a day -one of which is a smoothie for breakfast. I can certainly stand to lose weight, so it's not a symptom that worries me. Sleeping is dreadful though Awake til 02.00 or 03.00 most nights and rarely doig anything other than dozing after 07.00. I had some occasional use sleeping tablets from my GP, but they worked so well I took them every night and some afternoons when I needed a break from being me. I daren't ask for more too quickly!

I was brave yesterday and asked about volunteering in a local charity shop. The manager nearly bit my arm off, but when I looked at the application form I realised I needed a letter from my GP to say I'm fit to volunteer (as I'm not fit to work full time) and a ref from my previous employers - these are the people that took a week just to put a payslip in a letter and post it. I'm still going to do it, but it will take longer than I thought.

My alcohol counsellor wants me to do some group work. Bleurgh. My HM agrees with her. So that's the next unpleasant step. I'm going to call today about going a local CBT group - honest. And leave the group alcohol counselling until I've started that. I just doubt I'll appreciate sitting round with a group of (other) losers talking about drink. I hated Weight Watchers for goodness sakes!

I think that's it, all updated, thanks for having me.