That is very similar to how I get when depression hits. The other problem is spending night after night in an anxious state: have I turned off the grill I was using earlier? leading to thoughts of fire, leading to an obsessive need to plan out my possible escape route, including how I'd get the dog out (there's only one access in and out apart from windows, I don't mean I just work it out. I kind of put myself into the situation and imagine myself doing it all, sometimes several times, almost as if, as long as I am imagining it and 'thinking it through' and not going to sleep, I'll be okay. Then there's the destructive thought patterns. Whirls and swirls of hopeless reverie, or self-character assassination, thinking through the conversations of the day, or encounters with other people and beating myself up over some small miscommunication or stupid remark. Death as a concept features quite strongly in my mind on those nights, my death, mum's future death, my Dad's more imminent one, my bro, my best friend...my dog. The absolute conviction that I have never been truly tested and one day something's going to tear my heart out and I won't be able to cope. Wondering if I am capable of the kind of honest emotions other people seem capable of, am I a fraud etc etc.

I won't go on....there's a lot more. It used to really knock me off my stride when I got like that. Weeks or months of 'trying to act normal' around people whilst secretly thinking I was completely lost. I used to engage in an unusual form of self harm.....so used to scratching the eczema rash, I would sit and just rake at the skin on face and hands, til I bled, but it made me feel better whilst i was doing it. Sometimes I'd do it for a long time.

Drugs didn't help. What helped was when i started to recognise the pattern and just let it happen. I don't 'pick myself up', I don't 'snap out of it'. But after a few days or maybe a week of slipping into those thought patterns, it usually clicks with me...I'm depressed. I then give myself permission to be depressed, I consciously refrain from any 'life-planning' or self analysis, I become completely hedonistic and just try to cope minute to minute in a semi unthinking state. It seems to work, usually.

What makes me think it's depression rather than just feeling down, is that it seems to be unrelated to my general happiness levels. I can be enjoying myself with it in the background, ready to come to the fore the second I am on my own.....it can completely wall me off from other people, or it can just make me feel unreal. But it happens regardless of whether I am doing well, doing poorly, succeeding, failing, surrounded by friends or alone. And it happens about usually about once every three months. Since giving myself permisison to be depressed, it is a hell of a lot less destructive than it once was.

I am grateful for the fact that I don't seem to get as floored by it now as I used to. I used to lose months at a time. Never entirely goes away though, there's always that little shiver in the background. I sometimes feel that it will have me by the throat one day

I did write a reply which included words of support to you and other people who have shared personal information. Rereading before posting I realised it degenerated into mememe details of my depression that frankly no-one needs to know. When I decided not to post it I forgot that any messages to other posters also went.

Part of what I was trying to say is that not all clinical depression is chronic depression. I was on meds for 9 months - I can choose to come off them now as I am no longer suffering severe depression. Tests show my current state to be low to moderate (making me one of the feeling blue people).

A teenager on my bus the other day was talking on her mobile about someone she knew who had to inject herself daily (possibly a diabetic?) She made some sort of noise-pollution comment like, "Ewwww! I'd rather die than go through that!" That's sort of how I feel about going through depression again - so anyone who can live a productive life under that sort of cloud (rather than the sunshine and showers I endured) has my total respect.

Much of this sounds disturbingly and gratifyingly familiar. Thanks, everyone, for your comments.

I'm sorry everyone. I really do feel at my wit's end and I feel like no one gets it. I know I will get over this lowest of lows but I'm hurting so badly right now and NOTHING seems to be going right for me...so much so that I do entertain thoughts of just getting out.

I swore that I was going to get everything back on track this year after a really horrible year last year with the ex b/f practically ruining my life; but every time I take a step I get knocked back down. And knocked down hard.

I've always lived my life as a "pay it forward" kind of person. I am kind to strangers. I go out of my way to say nice things to make people feel good. I give out this good Karma so why does god hate me so much that he feels the need to keep kicking me?

I just don't know how much more I can take, to the point of thinking of heading to the loony bin for a while.

That's how I am feeling right now. I know none of you can make it better, I guess I was just hoping for a "we care" rather than snide comments. I know it sounds stupid and lame but I feel like I have a group of friends here who might actually accept me the way I am. I feel closeness because I am so able to write out my feelings, funny or serious, and I think so much of you are on that "level" if you know what I mean.

I am going home for the day. Stopping at library and getting some books and relaxing, then I will come back in this weekend when no students are here to yell. Hopefully I will have a better perspective. It's not just work, it's the way I am reacting to this incredibly stressful job because of my personal problems.

Again, I'm sorry. My bad day shouldn't make me try to ruin yours.

Take care,

Shawnee, don't think that by throwing some of this at the boards, you are ruining anybody else's day. We all need to vent sometimes:P

Incidentally, just in case it's not too late to say it, I care. I think most of us do in our own ways. You aren't alone, and you don't deserve to be feeling the way that you do. Remember, this feeling will pass, as everything does. In a few days, or weeks the way you feel now will be a part of your memory and nothing more. That doesn't change the way you feel just now, I know, but it's worth reminding yourself.

Keep using us as a sounding board if it helps and don't be afraid you'll push us away by doing so.

'nee, you do have that group of friends here who accept you how you are.

I couldn't have guessed that this was what you were driving at with your earlier posts, which is why I didn't say anything before.

Are you in talk therapy now, or just on the meds? All this negativity, you know, you must understand, is just your brain playing tricks on you, just as it has your whole life, if you're chronic.

When you come back to the thread toorrow, it will be interesting to get your fresh point of view. Please feel free to start your own thread, too. Several of us have done so, myself included. Tell your whole story. We need to know where you've been so far.

Unlike me who has no such self-control:P

We're all here for you and I can personally relate to you and how you feel. For awhile after the split it seemed like everything kept getting worse and worse. But eventually things turned around and I'm happier now than ever! God doesn't hate you - don't ever think that! There may be some "miscommunication" going on.
You have always been very sweet to me even when others weren't. Keep your head up and find the little positives in life to keep you going. Soon enough they'll add up and you'll see more of them than the negatives. :comfort:

youre not the first to say that LJ and i doubt you'll be the last. i guess maybe some people take them as "happy pills", but after 7 years of experiencing it andmonitoring it with my doctor, SAD is very real to me.

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medi...hp?newsid=5024

That works here, you see. Posting as much or as little as you wish, as you feel comfortable with, is OK. Don't feel you're cheating by withholding some stuff, nor that you're using up to many Kb. If you go on forever, people can read it or not, no problem. I know somebody wants to read it, even if they don't comment. ;)

Good point Spexx and it made me think of another point. Some people that are naturally reclusive, limit their normal contact with outsiders. People that are shy, sullen teens, or general loners, might never have that feedback of someone telling them they're acting differently because nobody sees them enough to know what their normal is.

If you see someone at the store, you know who they are, but don't know them, and they bite your head off over something trivial, you think they're a dick. They may be having a bad time or high stress, and you would never know it because you don't know them.

Of course....some people are dicks. I don't know how you'd evaluate them. :smack:

do people that ARE dicks know they are dicks? Does evil recognize itself as evil?

I guess the ones who are real dicks are the ones who know they're generally regarded as dicks... and don't care.

Spexxism: Dicks and assholes act the same way, the difference is that assholes don't do it on purpose. Discuss.:D

Shawnee - you are one of my favorite posters!! Through good times and bad.

Chin up luvie!!

I guess that makes me an asshole.

...and a prick is one who acts like a dick/asshole, knows he does, and thinks it's cool to be that way.

Ouch - I really hope that wasn't directed at me :(

Ooh, anti-depressants...I could go on for a while about my experiences with these. For a short period before I was married the first time, I took Prozac. It seemed to numb me out for a bit and I suppose it was helpful due to the stress I was under at the time. I wove in and out of periods of deep depression, interlaced with periods of happiness and comfort. It was about 3 years ago that I tried the anti-depressant route again, and it got me through a very severe bout of depression, spurred by a miriad of problems in my life. I was taking Effexor for about a year until I felt like the drug was causing my brain to "jolt" which disturbed me. I switched to Zoloft for a while and then eased off of it once things started swinging back into a balance for me. I have been off these sorts of drugs for more than a year now and feel pretty good most of the time. Sure, I get mildly depressed, but I haven't felt the "maybe everyone would be better off without me" feelings. Skipping back to my teenage years I was a mess, with parents that either didn't pay much attention to me or weren't even there (my mother worked seriously long hours as a CPA and my dad travelled most of the time.) I was a pretty shy girl, as a teen, so I didn't have too many friends. I really trusted nobody. I went through some quite severe bouts of depression back then, accompanied by cutting my hands and thoughts of depression. I felt like the pain I felt with cutting was a comfort in comparison to my emotional feelings of guilt, anger and at some point, indifference. I tend to think (at least as of the last 20 years or so) that these feelings as a teenager are fairly common. It's just that some have people they can talk to about it (friends, family, counselor, etc.) and others don't. I dunno though. I could be way off base.

Shawnee, I wanted to tell you that nobody should think any less of you for baring your soul sometimes. Personally, I respect your honesty and ability to be so candid with people you might not know in person. Your ability to do this encourages others (like me) to trust this forum. Thank you for that.

I heartily second that!

It is the fact that many of us *do*, in fact, bare our souls - the truth, warts and all - that makes this place worth a damn at all. Otherwise, it would be just another bunch of jerkoff posing. More than enough of those places online already, IMHO.

People who wish to jerkoff and/or pose don't seem to last long around here.

me too :o

Bullshit, if you don't care what others think and you are only, or mostly, concerned with your own welfare and you communicate without concern with other's feelings you know it.
Feigning stupidity is just another form of being an asshole, it is a way of putting people off.
Those doing this should be called on it.

My point rkzenrage, was that I thought the statement was directed at me. I did not think I was being an asshole, and was simply asking for some corroboration. I do care what some others think and was not feigning stupidity - I was simply asking because the post was immediately after mine.

Nope, not directed at you, just a general point.

I'm pretty sure you know this wasn't aimed at you, but thought I'd clarify just in case!

No, the post I deleted was much longer and far more detailed. There's sharing, and there's holding someone's head beneath the covers until they choke - if you get what I mean...

My post was not directed at you.

Why do you make the presumption that someone must be "feigning stupidity" if they behave in a way that you view as assholic? If someone viewed this post of yours as assholic, should you automatically be described as a dicK? Did you intend to be an asshole with this post, which would make you a dick, or was your dickness unintentional, which would make you an asshole? No offense intended, just speaking hypothetically.

The prick post was just another side of the coin. Not directed at anyone in this thread. If I thought someone was being one, I'd just tell 'em so. :right:

I started taking some wed of last week...it's been a fun ride. I've been fucked up for 6 days and it's all legal....
What I don't understand, is how they decide which pill is best for you? I'm supposed to be taking anti-depressants to deal with depression but more so, anxiety...so the first day I take these pills and I'm out of my mind crazy with anxiety. I can't sit still...I can hardly talk because my mouth can't keep up with my brain or the rest of my body...I take them the next day and I felt like I'd taken a bunch of tabs. I was disoriented, freakin' sleepy as hell. I couldn't keep my eyes open and when I did open them I just wanted to close them again 'cause everything was making me dizzy. So anyway...if I'm supposed to be taking them so that I'm not anxious, and they make me feel more anxious than I was before...should I still be taking them?
Do I just need to let my body adjust or what?

Yes, keep taking them. Your GP should have made you aware of this - it can take up to 4 weeks for your body to adjust (this is unusual though, I'd expect a dramatic improvement within 5-7 days).

If you still feel worse rather than better in 10 days, go and talk to your GP about reviewing your medication. S/he might tell you the symptoms are completely normal, but it's always worth double checking.

Also check the information that came with the drugs. You will probably find that your symptoms are among the stated side effects. Don't worry, they should pass.

Thanks SG...that's pretty much what I was guessing. She did tell me that it would take a few weeks for the pills to actually be FULLY into my system (so i didn't think i would feel them the way that i did) she also advised me to take them at night, because they will probably make me feel relaxed. I'm glad I took them in the afternoon, 'cause relaxed was anything but what I was feeling. I did notice that the side effects were normal, according to webmd...but I still didn't/don't like them. The side effects are lessening...but I can still feel the pills...and I still don't like them.
My guy friend, that i've been hanging out with everyday for like a month now started asking me if I had taken my pills...'cause he can tell when i take them...and he doesn't like them either. Oh well I guess. 3 weeks to my next appointment.

it takes at least 3 weeks before the serotonin levels are adjusted and the re-uptake process is blocked, which is probably why Kinky Vixen is feeling all over the place.
mind you, this all depends on what medication it is.

I had a similar conversation with a work colleague about the drug were had both been prescribed. She said - "At least you'll be getting a good night's sleep now, the one thing I miss about not taking them any more" Riiiight. When I first started them I was twitching and gurning like a fool - tongue stuck to the roof of my dry mouth and eyes darting all over the place. It takes different people different ways I guess.

Well Phil, I'm taking (I don't have the bottle on me so the spelling is probably going to be incorrect) citalopram? generic for celexa?

Did you change meds or did you stay on them? And, how do you feel about them now?

KV, did you decide to go on medication after reading how many of us are users?

i dont know much about them hun, but heres a link :

http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/30003676/

read it ALL ... its very informative. hope that helps. :)

this is a good info site too.

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100000520.html

I want to thank everyone for your kind words and support. It means more than you could know.

I went to the library on Friday after I left work, went home, read a book, then slept for 15 hours straight (only one time waking up and falling asleep again.) Then I got up and read some more and fell asleep for another 2 hours. I guess I needed it.

I'm really trying to get a good attitude back. I think I should get a part-time job that I could spend a few hours at a day after this job. I need the money to get out of this financial hole. I don't want a job where I have to talk to the public; I get enough of that here...just something physical to also help me get some exercise and start paying things off. I had a second job for many years but it was all in restaurants/bars and like I said I don't want to deal with the public. Perhaps a temp service would have something.

I can't wait to get online at home again because I know I could have benefitted over the weekend from not only your input here but also the laughs I invariably get when I read your posts.

I'll probably be scarcer than normal as I try to get things straight with my work here...it just never ends and everytime we turn around there's a new problem or new grants to administer or something. I like the challenge but when I looked at my W2 it really hit home how much my wages are akin to highway robbery. Sigh...

You are all wonderful, and I again thank you for your support.

:)

I think I do know what it means, having had the same support myself - this is a good place. It is a shame you can't log on at home (same here) but you can stop by and just focus on a couple of threads if you're busy at work.

I found supermarket work reassuringly physical after sitting in an office all day. There was a lot of interaction with other staff members some nights, but none at all on others (depending on the section I worked on). They pay good wages too, if they're a supplement rather than your full time job.

Look after yourself, ok?

I did have to change my meds to start with, but that was all the aforementioned symptoms plus a downturn in mood and an increase in suicidal thoughts. I stuck with Paroxetine because the symptoms were purely physical. It took approx 2 months for the symptoms to go away completely, but the major ones were gone well before that.

I went to my parents' while I was still suffering. Scared the hell out of them. What with the side effects and the actual depression they barely recognised me. I didn't find this out for months of course. Mum said, "I'm glad we saw you when you were like that. At least I knew that you were really ill" (she had issues about me being signed off work - didn't understand I was incapable of working until she saw me) "When you didn't want anything to eat I knew it must be bad"

That's Mums for you, straight to the point!

I have come off the medication. Unlike some posters, my depression is episodic not chronic and I didn't want to stay on them "just in case". Like Shawnee says, it's a choice I can make because I'm not currently depressed.

Hang in there...the side effects can be brutal when you first start, but they really will go away and you will feel better. Depending on the meds...the side effects of withdrawal are 10 times worse. One of my meds is effexor, with a half life of less than a day. If I miss a day due to not getting refilled in time or something, the following day I am sick as a dog until they get back on track in my system. Other SSRIs, like Prozac, have a much longer half life so the effects of sudden stopping isn't nearly as painful. Did you say what you were taking?

Also, sometimes it takes time to figure out what works best for you. If you think that they can be beneficial to you, stick with it because it's worth it.

Take care of yourself KV!

Welcome back, Shawnee, it's good to have you around. Take good care of yourself, and check in as often as you can.

Thanks Spexx :)

Ditto. We're here for you whenever you need us!

I've been wondering why this topic was in the Cellar Meta section until I realized that we now have a handy record of which of us is crazy and which isn't... :D

I am allowed to be cavalier about this because I'm one of the mood-altering drug users here.

wear it like a badge ... i find it helps. pisses off a lot of other people, but helps! ;)

LOL...it'll never stand up in court. That wasn't me writing, that was my evil twin Francesca.

No Spexx...I actually tend to lean towards the leaders rather than the followers. Since I'm not quite sure about your intention with that question I'll let my guard down and answer honestly. I've been dealing with anxiety, amongst other things...like not relying on weed to calm my nerves and help me sleep, and to make me feel "normal". I had been doing really good...at least at not smoking...and then I kinda dropped the ball and continued on my path to self destruction. It had been a few weeks since I had seen my therapist, when I went in for my appt she had noticed the change and we talked about it. She thought that having anti-depressants to help me deal with the anxiety would help me to continue to stop using pot as my clutch.

And there ya go...

Good info, good reads...thanks Phil.

Just curious. I thought I needed them a long time before I started them, but I was always leery of the stigma attached - you know, the "people on pills are weak or crazy" kinda attitude that some people have. Only one of my friends or coworkers admit to being on medication. If I'd had a pool of friends saying what has been said in this thread, I would have started long before I did.

Was reluctance to get counseling part of the puzzle as well?--for everybody, I'm not picking on spexx? Or can you pretty much say, "hey, I want some zoloft" and get a prescription?

My doctor, oops, Primary Care Provider, gives a written questionnaire. :cool:

I was prompted - in part - to see my GP by discussions on these threads. By the time I went to see him I was barely functioning anyway, but discussions here took some of the stigma away.

I also didn't recoil in horror when he suggested anti-depressants because of here.

I was offered counselling at the same time as the drugs. The point at which my GP saw me I was already incapable of working, so starting on drugs immediately wasn't too much of a stretch.

I talked to my doctor, who referred my to a psychiatrist. I was surprised that the interaction with the psychiatrist - it went something like this:

Dr: why do you think you need medication?
Spexx: because blah blah blah
Dr: ok, we'll start you on this. I'll see you in a month. If this doesn't work, we can change it.

No talk therapy at all. I had reluctance to therapy, for reasons similar to my reluctance to meds, but by the time I saw the psychiatrist, we'd been in family counselling with a psychologist for a couple of months.

I was a psych major. Though I know talk therapy can be very helpful, it is as trial and error and the meds; it can take quite some time to find the one who is right for you.

Hopefully, when I have money to plop down the co-pay once a week I will find someone suitable. I know I could benefit...but I've seen and heard of some real doozies: those who just tell you what you want to hear, which doesn't help anyone, those who have no idea where you're coming from, etc.

screw the stigma SG : there are approx 5 million people on anti - depressants in the UK. there are even trace elements in the drinking water because so many people are pissing it into the system.
seriously, if someone has a chemical imbalance, there really is no shame in treating it.:cool:

youre welcome.

If you are taking meds and not doing something to get to the root of the real problem you are wasting your money.

I thought the root of the real problem was (often? usually?) a chemical imbalance. Isn't that what the pills are for?

Chem imbalance or not, if you are depressed or anxious it is about something... that needs to be discussed and dealt with. Tools need to be given and practiced.
Just handing someone meds does nothing toward that other than putting them into a frame of mind to help them receive that information and put it into action... nothing more.
They do not "cure" anything without the work and tools professionally given & monitored.
This is why I have problems with most Psychiatrists, they have lost their calling.