Anyone ever see that episode of "The State" that had the hot dog launcher guy in Germany? Well, here's my conspiracy theory...
Osama bin Laden has made an "investment", if you will, by purchasing Rold Gold pretzel company. This investment has paid off well, and he's managed to profit, as well as having what could be considered a <b>lot</b> of pretzels. Looking to leverage his pretzel position to wreak havoc on the United States, he explored his opportunities. The obvious choice was to poison the pretzels, but Dr. Zawahiri determined that this would be too easy to detect and defeat, and would end up costing them precious revenues that they were planning to use to acquire Nabisco (Osama really likes snacks). They finally settled on a "pretzel gun", if you will - this would launch pretzels at various western leaders and, with any amount of luck, hit them open-mouthed with such force as to cause a choking fit and quite possibly death. This would explain the recent "streamlining", if you will, of pretzels - notice how less and less twisted pretzels are being sold, and more pretzel sticks and pretzel nuggets are showing up on store shelves? Anyway, the pretzel nugget gun was, from Osama's base in Salt Lake City, aimed at Washington DC. On Sunday, al Qaeda struck with pin-point accuracy, and managed to launch two pretzel nuggets for direct hits. The first, designed to distract and confuse, hit President George W. Bush on his cheek. As he opened his mouth to yell "What in the cow pie was that?", another entered his mouth with enough velocity to knock him out. He regained consciousness some 2 hours later. The coverup has been effected because the Secret Service is both embarassed to admit that they let 2 pretzel nuggets through and worried about copy cat attacks. Expect to see a crackdown on pretzel eaters any day now.
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