Originally Posted by Beestie

I'm not sure where to start so I'll just share some thoughts and see where it goes.That you have posted this makes me wonder if something about it isn't starting to bother you - just a hunch, tho. If so, let's have it.

Originally Posted by Beestie

I'd be fairly uncomfortable if the kids knew about the sexual aspect of the GTGs. My opinion is that kids should be taught monogamy and abstention (but not kicked out of the house for breaches of either).

Originally Posted by Beestie

I don't know how you guys get around the problem of having your partner excited by someone else. It would bother me to see my wife more excited about some other dude than me. It would bother me that she has needs I couldn't fulfil. I think that is probably a bigger problem for men.

What is your husband's position on this lifestyle?

More importantly, are you and your husband on the same page with respect to continuing this lifestyle?

Originally Posted by Beestie

Is the problem with "her" your problem or your husband's problem? Or is that the problem?

Originally Posted by Beestie

Since y'all only get together now and then, how is the sex by yourselves? Is the opinion on that mutual?

Originally Posted by Beestie

At some point, y'all are going to be limited to your mates and not have the option of other partners. How will the relationship function then?

Originally Posted by LabRat

I agree that bringing it up here might mean you are having some doubts about the situation, as in your comfortableness with it. The #1 person you should be talking with is your husband, as far as how does he answer the questions you just posed to us. Then, the #2-5 peoples should be the ones in your group. (sans kids) Again, how do they answer those questions. If everyone keeps the communication lines open, then this might be a fun and rewarding experience for all involved. Screw what other people think if they find out. You might learn something that you didn't know turned you or your partner on, or a place on him (or you) that is particularly sensitive from a multi-partner encounter. I would love to participate in such a group, (NOT an invite for a PM :)) but finding other ADULTS who are secure enough in their relationships, self confidence, and communication skills is practically impossible.
As for the kids, I guess that is up to you, their ages are an important fact left out here. If they are old enough to be asking more complex questions than 'where do babies come from', I personally would only honestly answer the questions they asked based on your experience, and not offer any more info. I would also follow group sex type questions (along with related ones) with the caveat that although LOTS of people participate in these activities, LOTS of others feel that this type of behavior is unacceptable. Because of that, there is an aura of unnaturalness surrounding anything other than 1 man on top, 1 woman underneath type intercourse. Tell them your opinions, and (importantly!) how you came to them.

Originally Posted by Elspode

Mrs. Elspode and I have some experience in this area, both in our previous marriages to others, and in our current relationship. There's no pat answer to "is poly good or bad", because every single situation is different.

In general, we have not discovered it to be a real great thing. Every poly relationship we have had or known of in our community has ended badly, save two, and we've known of *a lot* of them over the years. Not only have they ended badly, but they have usually ended worse than any one-to-one coupling we've ever known of.

Our last one was about three years back. We held out great hope for it as we both are heartily in support of the concept in principle. However, while the lady from the other couple was very compatible with me and my Mrs., the gent was not clicking with my wife at all. The greater comfort level and attraction between myself and Mrs. X quickly caused terrible strain, and so we dissolved the whole scene before causing any more harm to the friendship we all had.

The friendship ended up going by the wayside anyway due to a different matter involving the Mr. of the other couple, and we remain friends with the Mrs. However, the other couple got involved with a second couple several months later, and with the result that the Mr. of the couple we had been involved with left his Mrs. for the other couple's Mrs. (ya'll following me so far?). Part of the reason we dissolved our arrangement with them was because we saw high potential for their relationship coming undone over it, and our fears turned out to be true. We didn't wish to contribute to it any more than we had, and so that figured into our considerations.

We had been aware that the other couple's relationship was not as strong as it should have been when we were with them. I do believe in one thing for sure...you *must* be absolutely secure with your own relationship before you dive into something like this. Even as secure as Mrs. Elspode and I are together most of the time, our experience caused a lot of setback to our relationship...irrational jealousies, fears and other nasties (none of which actually related to the sexual component, strangely enough) arose, and are only now being put down again.

Both of our first marriages suffered from similar things, hers more than mine (my first wife and I dallied with consent, but not a great deal. My current Mrs. was much more involved in the Poly lifestyle before she met me...and subsequently left her husband to be with me, after a few months of us being a poly triad).

So...you can see from my brief description that it *can* be very, very difficult to do this. But, when it works, it is terribly cool and very fulfilling.

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I suspect that just like kids of monogamous parents, your kids really don't want to think about you having sex, regardless of whom it's with. I think it'll be many more years before they become interested in your situation at all, let alone for sociological purposes.

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I do have to ask, though: you mention all six of you in the basement, or plans lasting over the weekend. Where are the kids while these gatherings are actually happening? Asleep?

Originally Posted by wolf

I keep thinking "Fall of the Roman Empire" as I read this ...

Originally Posted by Griff

[soapbox]Way too complicated. I really wouldn't want the kind of bond you're talking about outside of my marriage. There is too much potential trouble having sexual relationships with people you cannot know as well as your spouse. I don't see the problem for your child being that someone finds out that you're swingers. The problem is that your life-style creates very real dangers for your daughter. The woman from your triad turned out to be a nutjob but you're willing to bring four potential nuts into your life? Think about your child's safety, your first responsibility is to her.[/soapbox]

This is that strange case where I'm being completely serious.

Originally Posted by lookout123

well, i've got some thoughts on the issue, but i want to make sure that i really understand the dynamics involved first. so, if you would send me a video, or set up a decent webcam, i'll let you know what i think after i have time to, um... research.


bruce hasn't been here yet, so i thought i would beat him to the punch.

Originally Posted by elf

I see where you're coming from on this. . . but if you step aside from the fact that there's sex going on, you can also see that if you socialize in any form with your family, you need to be careful to protect your children.

Originally Posted by elf

I do protect my children. I've done everything that I can to keep them safe ... <i>and</i> made sure that they feel secure in telling me if something wrong happens to them - damage control. I know that she's getting to an age where these things need to be closer to the forefront in my little list of worries. . . I'm not going to shelter them to the point of keeping them in a bubble, either, though.

Originally Posted by elf

I'm get the impression that overall, people tend toward the thought that there's some equation of alternative=dangerous. Why is that? The people I'm with now seem more normal than a lot of straight & narrow types I know. . .