You're right, this is such an important lesson.


I remember some years ago, a friend of mine was having a really tough time with some stuff. I was consoling her - she was very down on herself - and somewhere in the middle of that she said something along the lines of 'it's alright for you ...' and then words to the effect that I had my shit together and knew how to deal with stuff. I remember feeling quite thrown by that because, at the time, I was a fucking mess. I was coming home from work, of an evening, crying into a glass of wine and writing poems about depression. But that's not what other people saw. They, apparently, saw someone who was competant, content, confident and with her shit thoroughly together.

Only if they'd been a dwellar would they have had a clue where I was actually at during that period.


So along with the reminder not to compare our outsides to other people's insides - we need to add a reminder that other people cannot see inside our heads.

Returing to my earlier point about public speaking - knowing that other people can't see your thoughts is very helpful in such situations. You might know you're bricking it, but they don't.

Sometimes Faking it takes half a bottle. We all fake it to a degree but if we over-do it we can reach a tipping point. Make sure self care has a seat at the table.

Excellent point, Griff.

This is a good thread. Lots of obvious in hindsight nuggets in there that never occurred to me.

Excellent read and great advice.
As you may or may not know, my son and I speak regularly for MADD and a few other organizations about Drinking and/or Distracted Driving. One of the things I clearly say up front is that I just wanna have a conversation. This is not going to be a formal prepared speech. I can see a lot of tension melt on their outsides, AND on my insides. I started sharing that about a year ago and it really seems to let ME relax and do a better job of sharing my message instead of thinking ... HOLY CRAP there are 50 -1500 people staring at ME!!!

Hmm...


honestly it triggers my inner cynic more then anything else: it looks to me like one of those things you'd put on the corner of a 'dreamboard" after reading it from a self-help book about how we just aren't focused enough on ourselves enough yet... Kind of part of the wave of enlightened narcissism and self-esteem masturbation.

Here's the thing:
Helping yourself is fantastic... For your well being, which is important, no doubt. But it doesn't make you a great human being for others by "radiating" it on others Helping others takes the effort of actually helping others.
- I helped a neighbor find his missing dog or move or fix something = helping others.
- I made myself feel awesome and sent a neighbor good vibes = not helping others.
I think it's a pretty important difference.

I disagree. That apparent tension between altruism and selfishness is nothing of the sort - they are absolutely, fundamentally and inextricably bound to each other. The selfishness of making oneself feel awesome by helping another, is dependant upon the fact that helping another makes you feel good - we respond at a deep level to altruism.

A much clearer breakpoint would be between helping someone because we want to make them feel awesome - v - helping someone because we want to appear awesome to others.

That's a good point, slightly misses the point I was trying to make but also provides a better way to explain what I meant:

I think the quote in the OP as an attempt to create a shortcut into feeling good about yourself as helpful to others by being your glorious inspiring self-helping self rather then actually helping others, essentially cutting out the middle man - other people.

I took the "Also, ..." in the OP quote to mean that everyone needs help and although you can't always help them you can help keep yourself from being another one of their burdens which will make them so appreciative they will hold you in high regard and want to emulate you.

That was how I read it too.

The understandings don't really contradict, mine comes from the bold: