Mixed feelings here. If you were their bio mom and he was your ex-sperm donor I would tell you to change it in a heart beat. But since you are removed by the connection I would have to say leave it. By them keeping his name it is more of an evil reminder that he has responsibilities he has ducked out of. Might actually haunt him later with a good dose of Karma.

I think you missed my point, which was that to Ducks, it can be just a name. Disassociate it from it's origin and it's just a name.

That said, many women are still expected to give up their birth names when they marry, so they can't be all that important, right?

yeah, I recognize that minster, but that is the womans choice.
It is very common now for women not to change their name when they get married, especially doctors or lawyers - big pain to change all the licenses and such. My point was that it is the boy's name, theirs, and they should choose to change it or not when they are old enough. I'm an old fogey and thats just my opinion.

In our household there are three different surnames.

I don't think the name matters too much to be honest. I've thought about changing my boys names to at least the same as mine but I never have. It wouldn't cost much to do.

Anyway, some fathers are arseholes and don't do what they're supposed to do. Maybe he'll come back one day and want to spend time with them and maybe not. It's important for the kids to know that the part of their heritage from their father is not something to be ashamed of because it's part of them too. I'd say let them keep their name. One day when they're ready to make their way in the world, they'll be able to make their own decision about it.

the boys are young, so although their wishes should be considered, the final decision should be with adults.

depending on your local laws, to change name legally, you would have to hire an attorney, file a lawsuit to change the name, find the father or serve him by publication, and probably get him to give up his parental rights? Expensive, and I don't know how likely.

You could of course just start using the new name informally. You might have difficulties registering them for school with that name, though. Also, if there are disparate surnames in the household, that can make difficulties for the child in school. Not saying that's a reason in itself to change, just a factor to consider.

Could you add in your surname to the mix? Maybe so that it reads:

FirstName UnusualSurname NewSurname (William LoserDad DucksNuts)

Or perhaps:

FirstName NewSurname UnusualSurname (William DucksNuts LoserDad)

I don't care for the look of hyphenated names, but that could work as well if you don't mind them. They could go by both last names (how proper!) or simply by whichever name you choose as the last last name.

I think it would be an appropriate way to nod at your guardianship and maternial biological ties, whilst still being respectful of their paternal biological ties (and allowing them the benefit of choosing for themselves later in life whether to keep their father's last name or change it). I would think it may make it easier a leap downline, too, for them to assume your own surname if it has spent a lifetime being incorporated into their identity already. It seems more positive an action, too, which seems to fall in line with how you are choosing to handle the situation :)

men with hyphonated last names sound like they're married to men, IMO.

You mean they aren't, LJ?

I had a (male) client who had a hyphenated last name followed by another surname: Joseph White-Thompson Thacker. Quite a mouthful.






... and that name, jeezus, it was, too.

A good number of the kids at our school have hyphenated last names. Many boys. Not all of them have gay parents. .....but if they're not gay, they're generally foreign and/or their mothers are extremely overbearing. There are also several kids whose parents have different surnames and who share their surname with their mother because the mother's name was simpler than the fathers.

Hmmmm - and in the parenting thread? have you no shame at all?

Just to throw an additional spanner in to this: though the father may be acting like a prick right now, that doesn't preclude him getting his act together at some unspecified future time and coming back into the boys' lives in a meaningul way. If that were to happen then perhaps it will mean more to them that they share his surname.

Do you know what ducks? I want my kids (if I ever have any) to carry my last name. I'm the last in a line as well so I would like to carry on the name. I'm a female and I want to have a jr., so what? Cicero jr.!! I think the patriarchy is worn out...especially for dead-beat daddys. Do it. I was adopted by (just) my father, was raised by my natural mother, and I carry his name. I'm glad for it. My real father was a dead-beat, not anymore, but he was for about 20 years. I'm glad to carry the name of the people who raised me. I carry the name with pride. (it's a good name historically anyway) My mom didn't waste any time when she figured my real dad was going to be a dead beat, and I was adopted rather quickly, by the time I was 2, and I will never regret anything about it.

So I didn't know about your situation there and I think it sucks. What an asshole. Does he even pay child support? Do you guys have laws over there for that stuff, like here?

I think it would be less confusing come school time to have the same last name as the guardian/mother since the dad obviously won't be taking them to school. "Hi, I'm Jane Jones. I'm here to pick up Joey Smith..." Even if dad does come back in their lives, whats wrong with carrying the name of the one person who cares for them on a daily basis?
My husband has 2 boys from a previous marriage. She says bad things to them about us (more implied than anything else). My husband has never said one bad thing about her or her boyfriend in front of them. Truly makes me respect and love my husband even more. Although sometimes I want to pull them aside and tell them that she's making things up... she has yelled at him in front of them over money, although she already gets half his pay, and he always pays half of whatever other expense they have as long as he gets the bill. She'll send a bill with her sons during visitations and screams when he doesn't have a check in hand when we return them. Last time it was for $12.50, and we honestly just forgot that his son was sent with a bill for us to pay. She made a scene in front of the entire neighborhood over 12.50. I really hope the boys see through this. I hope they know that their dad does support them, and isn't a dead beat dad.

That's sad, aimee. Good for you two that you don't play into it, and realize it's about the kids, not about whatever axe the ex has to grind. I'm sure the boys either know or will know the real deal.