Not hollow at all, it helps to get it out. More than you can know. Thank you for your kind word and just being there.

I'd like to second what bani said about suicide - it's awful to think that the help you offered wasn't enough.

Not all suicide is bad
 

I have attended three suicides to date. All have been close friends. I held the hand of one all the way.

Two had cancers, one had AIDS.

All were within days of a natural death (debatable).

All went quietly and peacefully, in the presence of family and friends.

If I get a choice, THAT is how I want to go. Nothing left unsaid, goodbyes tendered ETC.


It's the wrist-slashing, hanging by a lamp cord, shotgun in the mouth kind that give me Willies!

Brian

RK- I understand you are in a lot of pain at times......
My fiance was in a lot of pain once and killed himself while I was at work. See how that sounds?
Please remember to be patient and to keep looking for a different method. Suicide only compounds problems and pain- this is one thing I can be sure of. Keep fighting. Besides-you seem like you still have a lot of spirit and fight left in you. (as evidenced by the mohawk poll)
Well there's "too much information" for you- but hopefully it's useful to someone out there.

It's not just the pain, it feels like the pain is stealing "me".

Your pain hasn't stolen "you" from us. You still give us laughs and points to ponder and insight into things we may never have dealt with.

Being purely selfish myself, I'd request that you stick around for a long, long time.

We've had our disagreements rk, but I have always enjoyed your perspective and you have expanded my outlook on many issues - you have a unique ability to share a perspective that very very few of us would otherwise have. You have experiences and knowledge that would otherwise be lost. That is a great gift my friend - please keep on giving.

Last few days the "urge" seems to have passed. Oddly, I feel a lot more depressed. It is really strange now, all the colors of the world seem, somehow, dim.
I feel like I'm slipping into a hole.
I know I'm not making sense, I'm sorry about that.

You're making sense. If the 'urge' has passed, then hopefully the depression will too. *smiles*

Here's hoping.
Pretending for my wife and son feels like swimming through concrete.

It sounds like a bad time, but you are holding up well here and I bet you're getting by at home as well.

I will when you give me something to have fun with.
Your medical condition is no more fun for me than it is for you.

Pretending and putting up a front is exhausting. But i really feel like i have no other choice. The last thing I want to do is hurt others, to burden them. Knowing that they know that I will be leaving them is the most sorrowful part of this cancer thing. I have already decided that once my quality of life deteriates too much, I will end it. So that means, deciding to make that decision a few steps early while I am still able to do it.

Sorry for this morbidness.

Deciding how you're going to handle your life, and other people, says you've already determined the outcome. Isn't that a little premature, and creating a self fulfilling prophecy? :eyebrow:

Yeah, but my thoughts are running the gamut, in and out, over and under. I'm viewing all sides. I just know I don't want to suffer needlessy. Its the control freak in me.