*incredulous* Your embarrassed? He should be the one who is embarrassed. Listen, I think you haven't gotten in touch with your anger yet because you are still in shock over what you found. If you are anything like me you will get angry and then you will turn that anger inward and begin to doubt yourself, your femininity, your worth as a person and all that fun stuff and soon you'll be screaming into your pillow at night. DON'T DO IT! Keep the anger focused on the problem--and the problem is HIM and I'm 99% certain that he won't change. I'm also 99% certain that he's done this kind of thing before. You don't say how old he is, but I'll bet this isn't his first time posing in the buff as a come-on to potential fuck buddies.

Women are not doomed to be alone. There are really kind, loving, sexually faithful men out there who want a real relationship. You have to decide what YOU want.

Now. Think about what kind of things Lover Boy would be saying to YOU if he found out you were trolling for casual sex and hanging your naked butt out for the world to see. I think he'd be calling you some pretty nasty names.

But here's the truth. GOOD PEOPLE DON'T DO THIS TO THE PEOPLE THEY LOVE. If there was something intrinsically wrong with the relationship, a man who loves you will probably approach you about it instead of slapping his pic on the net and trolling for sex (at ten months?)

Perhaps this is where the problem lies. Maybe he isn't in love with me.

Would you do this to someone YOU loved?

Lose him. Dump him and thank god you dodged a major freakin' bullit. MAJOR. Maybe this guy is a sex addict? Having dated one, I can tell you that it's about as much fun as dating a crack addict. The addiction always, ALWAYS comes first. Lose him.

If you were supposed to be in a monogamous relationship, then he is scum, and needs to be dumped.

Not all men will behave this way, but many, many of us will. I'm not even 100% sure it means he doesn't love you. It means that he's a slut and wants as much tail as he can hit, as often as he can hit it. And no, it doesn't matter how much *you* give him, because male lust isn't *about* you, or about *any*one woman.

I blame Nature, the bitch. It takes a pretty righteous dude to fight off the organic urges and be faithful in mind, spirit and body to one woman forever. Hell, even *I* haven't figured out for sure if that's the way people are actually supposed to live, but unless my partner and I *agree* to do other people, then monogamous we are.

I would be really interested in hearing his response when confronted with the facts, though. I'm betting he will not say it was his fault. He'll be a victim somehow, you watch.

Dump him.

a certain number of men are very good at triggering attraction in women. most aren't callous about it but a certain number are.

Thank you. I'm glad I read the rest of the thread before replying to some of the generalizations on the first page.:notworthy

You're right, unless this guy works for Kinsey, he's not trustworthy.

I think when it comes to relationships/partnerships each partner has to be on the same page. If you are going in different directions then how can you possibly feel any security and therefore any trust?

I think trust is the crux of the thing but what do I know. I'm just a lonely old hag. :p

Oh, girl, dump the dude! Yeah, you love him because your heart hasn't gotten time to catch up with reality. Sure, men can have a roving eye, but its one thing to fantasize, and its another to drop the good thing you have in the here and now. This guy let go of a good thing for a chance on some non discriminate sex. Lose the loser, you'll come out ahead, beleive me. You have my deepest sympathies. Some of us on the Cellar have been thru this before. It never gets better - only worse. :eyebrow:

you know, it just now occurred to me how exactly like middle/high school drama real life is. Everyone always talks about high school drama like it goes away...

I've been encouraged once to post my own experience, but I've not yet gotten around to that.

All I'll say is that I'm freshly out of a relationship that lasted eight years. I don't know that she ever cheated on me, and due to some past experiences, I think I actively don't want to know if she had.

I've got no evidence that suggests she was unfaithful, so for my own mental health, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

But I have to say, if your tenure is only measured in months, posting online personals suggests that his heart isn't there. Cut and run, before you get hurt even more.

-disenchanted

If you caught him once, he's done it a dozen times.

Dump.

I don't know either of you, but I would lose him so fast he would have trouble figuring out what happened. I think you are horrified that you found out and can't believe you didn't know, ie. "How could I have been so stupid?" Forget it! - you aren't stupid - He's a dickhead. A lying, cheating, immoral scumbag that will only bring you grief and perhaps one day an STD. Neither of which you want! Show him the door. The sooner, the better for you. Go and find a nice guy who will treat you right.

"Acceptance
Loss and subsequent grieving is a powerful, transformative time. It is a time to take care of yourself, to let go of the past and to create a future. Unfortunately, many people get stuck in one of the stages of grief, unable to complete their process and move on.

If you are experiencing loss and grief right now, if you have recently ended or are in the process of ending a relationship, I would like to support you in moving through it in an empowering way. I've created the following list of suggestions for you to keep handy to help you cope:

Remember that you...

• will feel pain

• have survived this type of pain before and will this time as well

• will feel lonely

• are ok and lovable

Accept that...

• the relationship is over
• your ex partner has both good and bad qualities; do not idealize or discount him/her

Focus on...

• yourself
• personal growth
• self care

Get complete with...

• yourself
• your ex

Own...

• the magnificence of who you are
• your part in the relationship break-up

Give yourself time to...

• grieve
• be alone
• recover

Make sure that you...

• get touch, from friends or a body therapist
• have someone to come home to sometimes, like a relative or a friend

Reinvent...

• your community
• yourself
• your future
• your dreams

If you're experiencing the end of a short-term relationship, consider the following:

Realize that...

• the pain you feel is not about your ex partner, but about your past
• if you start healing your past, the pain will subside
• holding on to anger at an ex partner will keep you attached and in pain

Get complete with...

• your ex partner
• all of your ex partners
• your parents

Give yourself...

• room to grieve
• room to grow

Build for yourself...

• a community
• self-esteem
• a life that you love

Whether you are ending a long-term or a short-term relationship:

• don't look for a new relationship until you are done grieving
• trust that when ready you will attract the right partner
• welcome the pain as an opportunity to evolve

It's through self-evolution that you will be able to create the relationship of your dreams."


by Rinatta Paries

I would also add that porn is an addiction. With any addict, you are communicating with their "addiction" not the person. They are possessed. It would take, like any other addiction, first admitting it, then they have to want to stop, then they have to seek help....etc.

No one on earth can do anything to change it if they do not wish to, but certainly an "intervention" of sorts can lead to their realization that they are hooked, and your encouragement can help them confront it.

But, personally, I would not expect him to just stop.

I know it hurts.

Absolutely not! Although there are people addicted to porn, or to ice cream or anything else, the majority of people that enjoy it are not addicted. :headshake