Today I bought a Toblerone and I am going to eat the entire thing myself because I'm a grown up and I can do whatever I want.
I'm also an only child who never learned to share.

Can you come paint my house?

Did I mention that my trees were brilliant but when I had to paint the little waterwheel building it looked like a thatch hut in Africa?

So you don't want me to paint your house. I might get a pretty good likeness of your face, though. Send me a picture! ;)

I've been taking care of this guy's eyeglass needs for 10 years, and today I found out that he played 3 years for the Eagles, from '70 to '73.

Is that a football team or a band?

Maybe it was a band but it wasn't named the eagles but they played songs for eagles (either the football team or the birds.)

I left my stupid phone at work. I don't have a landline. I'm no slave to my phone but there are people who would worry if I don't reply. So I emailed my family and my friend.

I don't know if I want to drive down there tomorrow and get it or not. Maybe. It's supposed to be nice. It would be more fun with my car instead of the rental, because I could put the lid down. Still, I could stop at Hobby Lobby, maybe see what cheap movies are playing at the 'not quite yet to video' theater...

I'll see which way the wind blows tomorrow. ;)

Stupid phone - I like that!

I've lost 4kg in the last few weeks.

One day maybe I can eat again. :(

I have a question.

Let's say you got a "get well" card for somebody who has just had their leg amputated. And the printing on the card already says "you're in my thoughts and prayers.". How do you sign the card? "Get better soon" doesn't work. "Sorry for your loss" sounds like a joke. There must be some appropriate signature line. What is it?

This person is like 80 years old, if that makes any difference.

Just "Thinking of you" or "with love"

You don't need to be explicit. Just let them know you care. :)

Of course if this were a joke question I'd have a thousand answers. ;)

It's not a joke question, but you can answer like it's one.

We've had this card sitting on the counter all weekend, while joke after joke comes out of my mouth. It's not helping.

I'd just sign it, 'with love' or something to that effect.

For an old person, an old word that takes into account the loss: Hope you recuperate soon.

Well played.