sorry this is a 'cut n' paste' but...damn if it isn't funny
>> Subject: Teacher Arrested
>>
>>
>>>
>>> At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
>>> be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
>>> in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a
>>> calculator.
>>>
>>> At a morning press conference, Attorney general Alberto Gonzalez said he
>>> believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is
>>> being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
>>>
>>> "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average
>>> solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
>>> search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
>>> and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they
>>> belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
>>> in every country.
>>>
>>> As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to
>>> every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush
>>> said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would
>>> have given us more fingers and toes."
>>>
>>>

What the acorn say when it grew up?

Geometry (gee, I'm a tree)

The Indian chief is sitting outside his wigwam, when he notices one of his braves walk by scratching his head and muttering to himself in a worried sort of way.

'You look worried my son.' observes the chief.

'I have been wondering, oh chief... it is up to you to decide the names of the braves and squaws when they are born. How do you do this?'

'Why, it is simple my son. when a new child is born I look around me and choose a name from what I see. So if it is dark and I see an owl fly high silhouetted against the sky, then I name the child Dark Soaring Owl. If it daytime and I am by the river there, and I observe a great trout pass by then I will name the child Great Fish Swimming. It is that simple.'

'Oh' says the brave

'You do not seem to be satisfied and still seem worried,' says the chief. 'Come confide in me - tell me, what is it that so worries you, Two Dogs Shagging?'
'

Various important philosophical Questions
 

Why is it only drug dealers and software developers call their clients 'users'?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff

ok those were silly



One hundred dollars

After drafting a will for an elderly client, the attorney announced a fee of $100. The client gave the attorney a $100 bill. After the client left, the attorney saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.

Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

A young man in India noticed an elephant limping. Afraid of the mighty beast, yet filled with compassion, the young man examined the elephant's foot and removed a large thorn. The elephant gazed down at the man, roared the elephant roar, swished his trunk twice, and turned and walked away.

The man was forever changed by the beauty of this moment, knowing he could have been trampled and hurt.

Years later, the man had his son at the zoo. They stopped at the elephant enclosure. A large, older elephant walked over to the fence. He looked down at the man, gazing into his eyes, roared the elephant roar, and swished his trunk twice.

The man's eyes welled with tears. It had to be the elephant he had helped oh so many years ago. Overcome by emotion, the man scaled the elephant fence wanting to be near this creature that had meant so much in his life.

The elephant, with his trunk, picked the man up and violently smashed him against the fence. The man died instantly.

Probably not the same elephant, then.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?











Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Damn, that takes me back 50 years, Clodfobble..... thank you. :D

:) I heard it on the show "Dirty Jobs" on the Discovery channel...

A drunk is standing on the corner watching folks going about their business. Across the street he sees a dapper young man standing around in front of a hotel, who, every now and then will approach an attractive woman and speak to her for a moment. About half the time the woman slaps the man and hurries away. The other half of the time she'll stop, exchange a few words then go inside the hotel with him.

A while later, the guy is back on the street doing the same routine.

Curiosity gets to the drunk and he ambles across the street to ask the guy what he's doing.

"When I see a nice looking gal I say to her 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' and if she is game we go upstairs and screw, but if she is affronted and says 'What did you just say?' I say to her 'Particularly nasty weather.' It works like a charm."

The drunk decides to give it a try himself. He crosses back to his corner and as a woman walks past, he leans over to her and shouts:
"Hey Lady! Up your ass with a feather!"
"What did you just say to me?"
"Ohhh, goddamn lousy rain!"

well, I stick to
Carl Withers, Illustrated by Suzanne Suba
A rocket in My Pocket
1948


The famous speaker who no one had heard of said:
Ladies and jellyspoons, hobos and tramps,
cross-eyed mosquitos and bow-legged ants,
I stand before you to sit behind you
to tell you something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday, which is Good Friday,
there's a Mother's Day meeting for fathers only;
wear your best clothes if you haven't any.
Please come if you can't; if you can, stay at home.
Admission is free, pay at the door;
pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
It makes no difference where you sit,
the man in the gallery's sure to spit.
The show is over, but before you go,
let me tell you a story I don't really know.
One bright day in the middle of the night,
two dead boys got up to fight.
(The blind man went to see fair play;
the mute man went to shout "hooray!")
Back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and came and killed the two dead boys.
A paralysed donkey passing by
kicked the blind man in the eye;
knocked him through a nine-inch wall,
into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
ask the blind man; he saw it too,
through a knothole in a wooden brick wall.
And the man with no legs walked away.

How strange... why is it that I know a similar, yet notably different version of that?

Ladies and gents and dogs without fleas
Cover your ears and listen up please!
Admission is free, so pay at the door,
Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
I come here before you to stand here behind you
And tell you a story I know nothing about:
One dark night, in broad daylight,
Two dead men decided to fight.
Back to back, and facing each other
They pulled out their swords and shot one another.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys.
Ask the blind man, he saw it too.
He'll tell you that this lie is true.


I had to memorize the version above in second grade.

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth friend returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three
boyfriends."

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are planned.

A Love Story



I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love, The Flu



Now, quit thinking about sex and go get your flu shot!

There was this inflatable boy who lived with his inflatable mummy and daddy in their inflatable house. Each day he would go to his inflatable school and sit at his inflatable desk while his inflatable teacher gave the class lessons.

He was a sensitive boy and not one normally to get into trouble, but one day in class another inflatable boy threw something at him which hit him and hurt him. He jumped up and screamed at the boy, and the teacher told him off and made him stand at the front of the class facing the inflatable wall.

The inflatable boy was most upset at this injustice and it played on his mind as he stood there. He noticed the inflatable teacher's letter opener on her desk. When she wasn't looking he grabbed it and full of rage stabbed the teacher, and ran out of class.

The inflatable headmaster was just coming out of his room as the inflatable boy ran by, and the headmaster grabbed the boy's arm: 'Where do you think...' too late the inflatable boy stabbed him too, and then ran out of the school stabbing the wall of the school with the letter opener as he went.

He ran home and rushed inside his inflatable house, up the inflatable stairs and into his inflatable bedroom, where he hid underneath his inflatable bed.

His parents were downstairs and hadn't see him rush in, but they did hear the sound of the siren as the inflatable police car sped towards their house and screeched to a halt. Out stepped two inflatable policemen who went to the house and rang the bell. The boy's parents answered.

'What is it?' they asked, 'is something wrong?'

'I'm afraid your son has been very naughty. We know he is here. You had better fetch him straight away.'

Thye parents called their son and after a while he emerged from his inflatable bed and made his way downstairs, his head held low, and he stood opposite the policemen.

'Now, young boy,' said one officer, ' you have been very, very naughty indeed, and I am going to have to tell your parents what you have done.'

'What is it, what is it? Has he really been so naughty? Is it that he has come home when he should be at school?'

'I'm afraid it's worse that that. What he has done is unforgiveable. He's let his teacher down, he's let the headmaster down, and, worst of all, he's let the whole school down!'

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df9807/df980717.jpg

Michael Jackson Wants to Be Startin’ Something
The King of Pop makes his first foray into electoral politics.

Oct. 3, 2006 - In a stunning development that could radically alter the electoral landscape in the upcoming midterm congressional elections, the singer Michael Jackson announced today that he would run for the seat vacated last Friday by former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.).

Jackson told reporters that he had never shown much interest in politics before, but added, "When I started reading about Mark Foley, I realized that the House of Representatives was my kind of place."
The platinum-selling recording artist drew big crowds in his first day of campaigning, delighting onlookers in Orlando by getting out of his limo and dancing on its roof.
But in one regrettable gaffe for the novice politician, Jackson kissed a baby in Daytona Beach and then dangled the child from a hotel balcony.
"My bad," Jackson later said.

House Republicans expressed muted support for Jackson's election bid, with Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert saying that he knew of nothing in the singer's past that would prevent him from serving ably in the House.
"Michael Jackson has done a lot of positive things, especially in the field of mentoring," Hastert said.

According to Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the entertainment scene, transforming himself from King of Pop to congressman from Florida could prove to be a shrewd image makeover for the tabloid-ready Jackson.
"In the outside world, Michael Jackson seems weird and maybe even a freak," Schlantz said. "But once he's in Congress he'll seem perfectly normal."

Elsewhere:
In Stockholm, the Nobel Prize in chemistry was awarded to Barry Bonds.
:rolleyes:

Avast! Ye Scurvy Gentlemen
In new poll on ethics, the public ranks Congress lower than pirates.

Oct. 10, 2006 - In a troubling sign for the upcoming midterm elections, a new poll released today indicates that the public for the first time ranks congressmen lower than pirates in terms of ethical behavior.

The survey, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute and asked likely voters to rate 100 professions according to their ethics, showed congressmen near the bottom of the list, only ranking higher than crack dealers and lawyers.

Worse was the fact that pirates, who have not fared well in earlier incarnations of the ethics poll, were considered twice as trustworthy as members of Congress, a finding that sends an alarming message to lawmakers seeing reelection this November.

"Pirates received consistently higher marks than congressmen in this survey," said Crandall Pritchard, who supervised the poll for the University of Minnesota. "We heard comments like, 'Sure, pirates make people walk the plank and will slit their throats for a doubloon, but at least they would keep their hands off congressional pages.'"

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, under fire of late because of the congressional page scandal, said that the poll showing that pirates are more ethical than congressmen is much ado about nothing: "I don't think this reflects the unpopularity of Congress so much as it reflects the surging popularity of pirates."

But House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) had a more sober assessment: "Arggh!":)

White House Courts the Amnesia Vote
Rove masterminds the GOP's latest electoral strategy.

Oct. 24, 2006 - A man who found himself in Denver with absolutely no memory of who he was or how he got there has now found himself at the epicenter of the midterm election campaign, as the White House moved aggressively today to court his vote.

The amnesia victim, who was known only as "Al" and could not recall any recent events, was instantly pegged as an "ideal voter" by GOP political strategist Karl Rove, who flew the man to Washington today for a private meeting with President Bush in the White House.

"Here's a guy who has no memory of Iraq, Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff or Mark Foley," Rove told reporters today. "From where I sit, I think we have a chance at getting this guy's vote."

According to White House aides, the amnesia victim's meeting with the president went well, and was capped by Bush presenting him with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
"The guy didn't seem to know exactly why he was getting it," one aide said. "But then again, the same could be said of a lot of past recipients."

Rove said that given the president's success with "Al," the White House was currently putting together a national database of amnesia victims to help get them to the polls on Nov. 7.

"Our message to the amnesiacs is clear," Rove said. "You may not remember anything else, but please remember to vote."

Elsewhere:
A new Labor Department study shows that Americans with no skills, talents or job prospects will eventually wind up on "Dancing With the Stars."
;)

What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and makin' love?

A bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love while farting?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?
F**kin' talented!

Reminds me....

My wife said she wanted a fur coat for Christmas, so I bought her a donkey jacket

and....

Man who stutters: ' M-m-my f-f-friend calls me d-d-d-donkey.'

'Why's that?'

'He-aw, he-aw, he always has....'

I had some money I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange
window at my local bank. I was in the short line......just one person ahead of
me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. He was more
than a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get
two hunat dolla for yen, today get one hunat eighty: Why it change?"

The teller replied, "Fluctuations".

The Asian man yells, "Fluc you white guys, too!"

So you all know European women don't shave under their arms, right? So a European woman goes into a European bar and stands at the end of the bar trying to get the bartender's attention. She waves her arm and a drunk halfway down the bar calls out "Hey bartender! get that little ballerina a drink!" A little while later and the woman would like another drink so again she waves her arm trying to get the bartender's attention, again he does not see her and again the drunk down there call out "Hey bartender! get that little ballerina another drink!" This happens again and the bartender asks the guy, "how do you know she's a ballerina?"

The drunk says "any lady who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

I love that joke.

If you played "Half-Life 2", you may enjoy this webcomic. It's usually fun to click "Hide/Show Notes" at the bottom of each page.

Irish guy is walking down a road one night when he hears a woman screaming - so loud it sounds as though she is in real pain or trouble. The Irsh guy rushes to where the sound is coming from and discovers a house with the door ajar. He enters and finds that the screams are coming frrom an upstairs room. He calls out and a woman cries: 'help me, please help me!'

So he rushes upstairs and finds this woman on a bed in the last stages of giving birth - the baby's head is showing.

'Bajasus! you seem in terrible trouble - is there anything I can I do to help?' he asks.

'Yes, yse, pull out the baby! Please!'

The Irish guy gets hold of the baby and eases him out. It's a boy. Holding him gingerly, he asks 'There, he seems all right but he's not making any noise - is there anything else I should do?'

In a panic, the woman shouts 'Oh God, yes, hold him by his feet and give him a good smack on his bottom!'

'Right, I will that.' He says - then with the baby dangling upside down held by his feet, he starts to smack him:

'..and don't (smack), go in there (smack), again (smack)!'

Why "Cold" is a relative term
 

Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion.

Degrees F

* 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

* 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

* 50 Miami residents turn on the heat

* 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

* 40 You can see your breath
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Minnesotans go swimming

* 35 Italian cars don't start

* 32 Water freezes

* 30 You plan your vacation to Australia

* 25 Ohio water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Minnesotans eat ice cream
* Canadians go swimming

* 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* New York City water freezes
* Miami residents plan vacation further South

* 15 French cars don't start
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

* 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

* 5 American cars don't start

* 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

* -10 German cars don't start
* Eyes freeze shut when you blink

* -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
* Miami residents cease to exist

* -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
* Japanese cars don't start

* -25 Too cold to think
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going

* -30 You plan a two week hot bath

* -40 Californians disappear
* Minnesotans button top button
* Canadians put on sweaters
* Your car helps you plan your trip South

* -50 Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window

* -80 Hell freezes over
* Polar bears move South
* Packers Fans order hot cocoa at the game

* -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

This must be old, they have a dome now!

Suggest substituting Packers.

Jokes with Einstien #7
 

Let's see if I can recall this... (from jokes with Einstien)

Kid: Hey, I gotta joke! What do you call the ratio of the circumference of a jack-o-lanter to it's diameter?

Einstien: Pumpkin pi.

Kid: Oh, yeah... that's right.

Einstien: It's not funny.

Kid: It's not? I thought it was kinda cute...

Einstien: It's not.
:)

I have talked to drewmo.
oh yes.
i have.

Your jokes are funny guys. :lol2:



This isn't exactly funny...but it is amusing. I didn't know where else to put them. http://cleanstream.net/mirrors/bunny_suicide/

http://cleanstream.net/mirrors/bunny_suicide/

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

A Letter to Dad

Letter home from school...

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.

Love,
Your $on.


A week later..... a letter from "home"

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

SUPERTELEVANGELISTIC SEX-AND-DRUGS PSYCHOSIS
Parody of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"

I used to be a master of the anti-gay crusade
Until a butch disaster blew my pastor masquerade
But if it's true I'm pounding more than pulpits, don't blame me
It's 'cause I caught my hooker-tweaker-stud's infirmity

It's
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
Worse than plague and bird flu crossed with osteoporosis
We were playing doctor and he gave this diagnosis:
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis

Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye
Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye

I found the perfect therapist - the kind that gives massage
I like to drive my Escort and I park in his garage
I swear he only serves me crank when all his Coke is gone
And then he helps me straighten out my Peter, James, and John

Blame
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
That's my greatest guilty pleasure next to Guns N' Roses
Good thing there's no ban on it in all the books of Moses
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis

Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye
Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye

It seems all pious public figures bugger on the sly
But Jesus loved republicans and sinners; so must I
Say "Holy moley, Mister Foley! That boy's underage!"
But I believe the congressman has turned another page

Oh!
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
Next time, better cut me off at handshakes and Mimosas
No more meth or men for me - at least in overdoses!
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis!

(Just a spoonful of crystal helps the prostitute go down...)

:blush:

lol




ok here are some actual anologies some high school teacher collected.

http://writingenglish.wordpress.com/...lish-teachers/



She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.


Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.


He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

hehehe I think that last one was cute. :)

I call bullshit, one of those is Terry Pratchett.

Another is Douglas Adams. Rocks are too big says I.

So this person lied?

A rose by any other name and all. Shakesphere.

ps. ....oh and don't shoot the messenger


DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER -- From "Random House Dictionary of Popular Proverbs and Sayings" by Gregory Y. Titelman: "Don't shoot the messenger. Don't blame the person who brings bad news. This idea was expressed by Sophocles as far back as 442 B.C. and much later by Shakespeare in 'Henry IV, Part II' (1598) and in 'Antony and Cleopatra' (1606-07) The word kill may be used as a substitute for 'shoot.'" Related saying: "Don't shoot the piano-player; he's doing the best he can. Don't hurt innocent people. Originated in the United States in the Wild West, around 1860. During his 1883 tour of the United States, Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) saw this saying on a notice in a Leadville, Colorado, saloon. It is sometimes attributed to Mark Twain, but neither Wilde nor Twain has ever claimed authority."


Sophocles probably called bullshit on Shakesphere.

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. Don't resist his advances, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."

I doubt the site's author is full of it, but I bet the writers have read some funny books recently.

THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEPING STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID, "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE; SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER..........

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID..............

"WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTIN' A FAX.

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married.
He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"
He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. And her father is a doctor.
She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is this wonderful girl's name?"
He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
:smack:

True story: when my gay Jewish friend came out to his mother, she said, "Well, if it's gonna be a boy, at least let it be a nice Jewish boy."

Unusual eBay feedback
 

POSITIVE: Item shipped quickly, have been having erotic dreams about seller. Thanks!

POSITIVE: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside?

NEUTRAL: Excellent communication, but should've poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded.

NEGATIVE: Despite indication in listing, I could not fit item into any of my body cavities.

NEGATIVE: Honda R-Type sticker did not add horsepower as advertised.

NEUTRAL: Item shipped promptly and in good condition, but I should not have to bid on birthday presents from my parents.

POSITIVE: I don't really remember what I ordered. But I've been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it's great!

NEGATIVE: Product didn't work, possibly broken. I woke up this morning and was disappointed to find I still believe in Jesus Christ our Savior. :(

POSITIVE: Excellent Buyer. A++++++. Thrilled by the quartz movement of the "Rolex". HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

NEGATIVE: Should have been clearer that seller only accepts payment in Bhats via Eastern Union Moneygram.

POSITIVE: Plain brown packaging seemed to fool my wife. Thanks!

NEGATIVE: The dog won't hunt.

NEGATIVE: Very nice monkey mascot costume, but it's a size 34, not a 63 as advertised.

NEGATIVE: Lederhosen not as pink as the picture led me to believe.

POSITIVE: A+++++. Items are exactly as described. Best case of kalashnikovs I've ever bought. Allah Akbar!

NEGATIVE: This is clearly the ninth, NOT THE SIXTH, repackaging of Mad Super Special #24.

POSITIVE: One of the scents mixed in with the packing peanuts remind me of a passionate weekend in Rio... was that you?

POSITIVE: The way you wrote my zip-code makes me weak in the knees. Such smooth strokes. A+!

NEGATIVE: Though you did nothing wrong, I am giving you this negative feedback to teach you that the universe is arbitrary and unfair.

NEGATIVE: Buying this Space 1999 Lunchbox did not fill the void in my empty life for as long as I'd hoped.

$ky$idhe:

If you're going in intercept, read and po$t my mail, plea$e cary on and and an$wer it a$ well, won't you?

Bennie Thompson D MS. Is incoming chairman of HLS.

Sorry that wasn't even funny.

lol




I went to the Bank today to try and convert some currency. I asked then to change Canadian to the American dollar but since I didn't have an account there they said they wouldn't. Sorry BIG


( true story) ( actually it was American to Canadian. I needed some to put in a Birthday card for a friend but for the sake of your post I changed it to fit your local)

The world's worst orchestra director was preparing his new group for their first concert. Halfway through the first movement, as he conducted with wild abandon, his baton flew out of his hand and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player, killing her instantly.
The police investigated, but ruled her death an accident.

At the next rehearsal, he got caught up in the music again, lost his baton again, and this time struck the bassoon player in the eye, killing him instantly.
The police investigated, but again ruled the death an accident.

At the third rehearsal, the same thing happened, this time to a violinist.
The police could not believe that such an odd thing could happen three times in a row accidentally, so they arrested the conductor.
He was tried for triple homicide and sentenced to death.

After all his appeals proved fruitless, the warden strapped him in the electric chair and the officer in charge threw the giant electrical switch.
But nothing happened.

He turned it off and then back on again,
but still nothing.

The exasperated warden yelled at the officer, "What are you doing wrong?"
The officer retorted, "Hey, don't blame me.





Everyone knows he's a poor conductor!" :blush:

*GROAN*

:lol2:

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A hell-if-I-no.

~

This is my favorite joke, but it's kinda local. I'm sure you'll get the gist...you can probably substitute in places from all over the world, with minimal work. I think I heard one once with Russians and vodka, but I can't remember it all.

A Coloradoan, a Californian, and a Texan are camping together. They're sitting at the campfire, drinking, when the Texan gets up and pulls out a bottle of whiskey. He takes one swig, then throws it up and shoots it out of the air.
"What did you do that for?! That bottle was mostly full!" The other two exclaim.
"Well, we've got plenty of whiskey where I come from." The Texan replied.
The Californian thought on this for a while, and then pulled out a bottle of wine. He took one swig, and then tossed it up and shot it out of the air.
"What'd you do that for!? That was a good bottle of wine!" The other two exclaim.
"Well, we've got plenty of that where I come from." The Californian said.
The Coloradoan thought for a while, and then he pulled out a can of beer. He drank the whole thing, threw it up in the air, and shot the Californian.
"Oh my god! What did you do that for?!" The Texan exclaimed.
The Coloradoan went over and picked up the can, and said, "Well, we've got plenty of Californians where I come from, but this can is worth 5 cents."

~

A teacher is talking about religion one day, and asks the kids to raise their hands if they're Christian. All the kids except for Tommy raise their hands. She's a little surprised.
"You're not Christian, Tommy?"
"No, I'm pagan." He replies.
Again, she's very surprised. "Why are you pagan!?"
"Well, my mom's a pagan, and my dad's a pagan, so I'm a pagan."
Miffed, the teacher asks, "Well, if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?"
Tommy calmly replies, "Then I'd be a christian."

Also works really well with sports teams.



I didn't get through the whole thread, so hopefully they weren't a repeat.

Oh, I just thought of my favorite LOTR jokes. (What can I say...I like bad jokes.)

~

What does Pippin do when he gets drunk?
He starts feeling Merry.

What do you call an Ent that spills his drink?
Teabeard.

What did the man say when he bumped into the wizard?
"Sorry man, I didn't see you there."
(Saruman)

Merry and Pippin are walking home one night, drunk. Suddenly, Merry falls down a hill and breaks a leg. He lies on the ground in pain, and says, "I broke my leg! Quick, Pippin, call me a doctor!"
So Pippin says, "Alright, if you say so. Merry's a doctor! Merry's a doctor!"

:blush: :D

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-inTV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

(Yup... my son would be sharing my chair...)

THE CRICKET

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.
Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An all-rounder.
Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.
Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.
:lol:

:D - yes we deserve it

Can I at least salvage some national pride by suggesting that those jokes are so cutting they were written by someone English?

Australian. :D

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...feknowsall.jpg

A Scotsman ties on one too many and starts a merry stumbling walk home. He
doesn't get too far before the collection of wee drams takes the better of
him, and he stops for a rest in a ditch by the side of the road, and quickly
falls into a dreamless slumber under the overhanging tree.

Two English ladies on the way home from a visit to drafty castles
(landmarks, they call 'em) spy the man on the side of the road and pull the
car over. One turns to the other and announces, "This is the perfect
opportunity. I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

After a brief inspection, she announces to her companion, "Nothing, just as
I suspected. I'll need to leave him something for the invasion of his
privacy." With that, she pulls a ribbon from her hair, and ties it around
his favored member. Off they go.

A few hours later, the gent wakes up, groggy and with a bit of an ache in
the empty space between the eyes. First things first, he seeks to empty his
bladder agin' the the very tree he found himself sleeping under. Up comes
the kilt, and wide goes his eyes at the sight of the blue ribbon adorning
the member in his hand. "Well, I don' know wha' you been up to, lad, but at
least ya' got firrst place!"

Stole this one from "The Dukes of Hazzard" movie. Yes, I watched it. I *do* feel dirty, but it was mindless fun, and Jessica Simpson hardly sang at all.

-------------------------

What happens when a politician takes Viagra?

He gets taller.