No, you just don't tell jokes much because you've excluded about 90% of them.

Ah, for the days of my childhood and the heyday of publishing the Truly Tasteless (insert ethnicity) Jokebooks.

Somewhere around here I may still have the flipover Irish/Polish edition.

actually, glatt, i thought about what you said, and what sycamore said, and i realized that gays are pretty much the only minority that i tend to make fun of. i dont make black jokes or fat jokes or mexican, polish, etc. not if there is a sensitivity to it. but here's the thing: i'm not actually making fun of their bieng homosexual. they can do whatever they want, and it's not funny to think about, really. i like to make fun of those that ACT overtly gay. flamers. they do that shit on purpose and it's hysterical. there is choice involved. i make fun of stupid people too, people that choose to act like fools, etc.

Back to the jokes..........
 

An Army Captain and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant walk into the head together. Both advance to the urinal, take care of business, and about face. The Captain heads to the sink, and the G/Sgt heads to the door.

"SERGEANT! DIDN'T YOU LEARN ABOUT BASIC HYGIENE IN THE FIELD?"

The Sergeant about faces, fires off a snappy salute, and replies, "Yes Sir. And in the Marines, we were taught not to piss on our hands in the first place."

Three little old ladies from Pasedena are killed in an auto accident. Their little deuce coupe is mangled. The bodies are shredded. Limbs everywhere. A truly horrendous sight........

St. Peter sees the accident, and is already looking up the names in The Book Of Life when the souls appear before him.

Unfourtunately, the names are nowhere to be found.

St. Peter says, "Ladies, it is not your time to die. I can't send you back to your old bodies, for obvious reasons. And God's not here, to set things right on that point, so.................."

The three little old ladies from Pasedena look at each other..........

"Here's what I'm gonna do", St. Peter says.

"I'll send you back as anyone you want to be. You'll get to live another lifetime."

The first little old lady says, "I want to go back as Marilyn Monroe."

"No problem."

The second little old lady says, "I want to go back as Sandra Bullock."

"No problem."

The third little old lady says, "I want to go back as Sarah Piplan."

St. Peter and the first two ladires look at her. "Sarah Piplan? Who is Sarah Piplan?"

The third little old lady slowly opens her changepurse, and with a shaking hand, pulls out a yellowed newspaper clipping, and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter looks at it and, with a heavy sigh, says, "I'm sorry, but thats "The Saharah Pipeline" 400 men laid in a week."

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two bedroom apartment above
the
garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

ARRIVING IN FRANCE

Touche'!

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You've been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he
had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for
inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have
to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your
passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I
couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Sixteen things Patton Oswalt would rather vote for than George W. Bush.

Dear Senator Kerry:
I am Designated Letter Writer for the guys down to Daryl's Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana. We have been shaking our heads over your stumbling campaign. It ain't so much we like you or your Party, but you are a fellow American, born in the U S of A, so we don't want you to disgrace yourself. Here are 10 helpful hints we have worked up for you.

1. We know you served in Nam. You'd do yourself a favor if you didn't keep mentioning it every time someone pokes a microphone in your face. Geez, it was 35 years ago you did that for what was it, four months? Some of us Daryl's Bait Shop guys spent more time than that on chow lines.

2. Get your stories straight. Admit you threw your or someone's medals and/or ribbons over the Capitol fence in '71, and you went touring around with Jane Fonda, and you testified falsely to atrocities by US troops. You ought to say that was all a youthful mistake. We've made a few. We'll understand.

3. It's OK, you can talk French to French reporters if you want to, we don't mind. Smilin' Jack Boudreau can speak French, and we elected him Chief of the Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company. We're not bigots. We call 'em as we see 'em, make up our minds.

4. Sen. Kerry, why aren't you touting your good luck in snaggin, not one, but two, rich wives? Here at Daryl's we often wonder what it would be like to have a really rich wife. We speculate just how big a bass boat we could buy, along with one of those new Dodge Hemi trucks to pull it to the crick. Smilin Jack always points out how it's his cousins, Marvin and Dickweed who appear in those Dodge Hemi commercials but still they can't afford one of their own. We chuckle how we could be fishin all day with nary a worry about where the money is coming from. You don't have to cook that ketchup, do you? Come on, show the world how lucky you are. We here in the South respect achievement and don't begrudge someone's good fortune even if he's a politician.

5. Me and Boudreau wonder why you aren't going to the wrasslin matches to get votes? We've seen videotape of you on the ski slopes. You got some good moves, looks like you already know how to take a fall. All us here (except Freddie Dobbs and Herm Harrison) are great fans of wrasslin. Not that we'd vote for you just because you was one. Armen Yazoo is a wrasslin maniac, but none of us would vote for him even if he was running only for dogcatcher. So you got to tread easy on showing you're Joe Sixpack who just happened to go to Swiss prep school and St. Paul's School and Yale College Skull & Bones. We'd see through that pose in about a minute and a half and mark you for a hypocritical windbag and general liar. You needn't go to the trouble of hanging a black velvet Elvis oil painting in any of your living rooms. Weren't none of us recently fell off a turnip truck.

6. Tell us something you're for. We already know what you're against.

7. We ain't all that impressed with the UN and we don't know why you keep bowing in its direction, promising you will go there first thing if you are elected President of this country. Is there anything the UN has ever done right? Didn't they make a royal mess of that Iraq oil-for-food program, millions skimmed off just happened to land in their personal bank accounts? Seems to us they spend around 98 percent of their time passing resolutions that don't add up to a hill of beans.

8. If you're for lower gasoline prices in the morning, don't be proposing a 50 cents a gallon tax boost on gasoline in the afternoon. Saying one thing in Shreveport and the opposite in Baton Rouge don't inspire us with confidence with you as President. Maybe you should stay in the Senate where you got 99 other guys to share the responsibility with.

9. We got indoor privies, color TV, cell phones, and computers. Give us some credit for brains and understanding. We know economic conditions are good and getting better. Your telling us we're miserable, deluded fools just won't fly. And it gives us the eerie feeling that you're hoping for a relapse into recession to help your electoral chances.

10. You have beaten all your Democratic opponents in all the primaries and caucuses held so far. Yet you seem out of touch with your party and with America. Maybe you've been a pol too long, been campaigning too long and you need a break before the Convention. We all think the best thing you can do is haul out your Harley, put TeRAYza on the pillion and take off for the Sturgis South Dakota Bike Rally. Meet the folks. A few of us from Daryl's will be there.
You don't have to get tattooed.
Sincerely, Cooter
;)

some funny flash animations
 

http://www.scarysquirrel.org/special...y/fatkins.html

okay it's not for kids.. not even close.. but having a squirrel tell you some foul mouthed truths... priceless.. I recomend the rants and the non-holiday special...

When a nice (sexy) lady farts:
http://www.goodlaughter.com/funny/bigfart.html

2 irish guys walk out of a bar.













what!?! it could happen.

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing. ...............................
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale ... the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church member) say ... thank you; I baked it myself."

Three college buddies were commissioned in three branches of the service--Army, Navy, and Air Force--where they made their careers.
Although they maintained their friendship through the years, they argued long, bitterly, and inconclusively as to which service was the best.
They years wore on, and the three were called to their Heavenly rest, where they continued the dispute.
One day, they encountered Saint Peter, who asked what all the fuss was about. The three officers explained their argument and appealed to St. Peter to tell them once and for all which of their branches was the best.
Saint Peter reflected and admitted the question had never come up before. He agreed, however, to ask God and to get the definitive word.
Some time later, the officers again ran into Saint Peter and eagerly asked if he had received a reply from the Lord. Just then, a snow-white dove, carrying a note in its beak, landed on Peter's shoulder. Saint Peter took the note, unfolded it, and read it to the three officers:
Gentlemen:
Your squabbling and arguing are unseemly and futile. All three of your branches were equally brave, noble, and honorable. You all served your nation with devotion and courage. Take pride in that service, and forget your petty rivalries.
Sincerely,
God
(USMC, Ret.)

LOL!!!

OUT-FUCKING-STANDING!!!

That one is a keeper.

Semper Jarhead.:D