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Q: How come Jesus doesn't like M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands. |
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Jesus is my personal hero. When I die, I want to get nailed first too. (goin' to hell for that one.) |
A traveling Shakespeare Troupe had fallen on hard times and had to paint all of its signs listing their summer performance schedule themselves. They had only enough paint to paint the following sign and hoped people would know what plays they were to perform.
Guess which plays. Answers in white. WET DRY 3" 6" 9" MISCARRIAGE Midsummer Night's Dream The Twelfth Night Much Ado About Nothing As You Like It Taming of The Shrew Love's Labor's Lost |
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2005 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and You are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just Arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been Prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!! |
I lulzed.
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." |
Sick, twisted and soooo me.
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THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?", says the hippie. "Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God." The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her Virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a Flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!" "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver! |
Happy Keester!
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My sis-in-law sent me this, with the comment that it might stop some of the puns on Sunday. Yeah, right, not in my family. :)
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY Don't put all of your eggs in one basket Walk softly and carry a big carrot Everyone needs a friend who is all ears There's no such thing as too much candy All work and no play can make you a basket case A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits Some body parts should be floppy Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans Good things come in small sugar-coated packages The grass is always greener in someone else's basket An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell |
On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint." The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present. Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumbsucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. "She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted." The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint." |
A man escaped from prison where he has been
for 15 years. He broke into a house to look for money and guns and found a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair while tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous... If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you. To which the wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too |
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic". Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish". |
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard. Mary had a little lamb. Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two chunks of bread. |
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