Wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it

Venting Steam Please Step Carefully

Little AA fella in my room, short hand: came to me with no impulse control, Dad in prison, and very angry. He's having a good morning despite the Milkies and Chinamen. His tantrums are coming under control. He's earning stickers most intervals and occasionally dipping into the prize vault. The ESL teacher who, imho, hates boys with special needs called saying she wouldn't be in to teach today, but needs to come in to talk to my TA and UPK co-teacher. I could see the little guy was getting jumpy so per discussions with OT I rolled him up in a leaded blanket like a burrito and rolled him around the room. The phone rings. I have to take the call. I tell the little man to go to circle and he actually does. ESL comes in he hops up goes to her and asks, "Can I have a hug?" She gives him her "warmest" "No! Go back to your seat and sit down! Boy is balling, tears rolling down his cheeks buries himself in his cubbie which is by my phone. Long story short his good day goes to shit. Why was she in my room?, you might ask. She came to pull my TA into a side room and warn her that the new boys we're getting are horrible! Gee, I was at the meeting bitch, that's why they're being placed in the behavior classroom with people who like kids and have a little patience. A mighty Fuck You to you.

thank you for the moment of vent

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I second your emotion.

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when you talk about the burrito therapy, you mean, you swaddle him, like I did for infant SonofV? I know it worked well on him, back in the day.

...

Back to the cluefree "teacher"... why is she in this line of work? It just staggers me that someone who dislikes children would seek to work with them. Is she just... sadistic? Masochistic? wtf?

Yeah, I think we're talking about the same thing. His sensory needs seem to change daily.

I only know her from disrupting my classroom once a week but I've seen teachers like this before, they think they're doing the kid a favor making him as miserable now as he will be K-12. Yelling instead of teaching the skill or building his tolerance. My outlook is that this is his first educational setting why not make it something enjoyable so he has a better attitude for the next 13 years, while patiently building in him a desire to learn and giving him some survival strategies. This kids mirror neurons need to fire in a relentlessly positive atmosphere. He's had a rough go but he's young he can develop on a different trajectory than society seems to expect.

I don't know anything about ESL training but I'd guess she thought she'd be more a consultant than a teacher. Maybe she's better with typicals but guess what, the world is integrated.

Since she is an ESL teacher I think you should give her a "fuck you" in more than one language. Don't forget sign language. ;)

You're saying I need to give the puta a talking to?

Possibly accompanied by a bitch slapping.

Possible a reposting but, I dedicate this illustration to you Griff. With my profound thanks.

http://maxcdn.zenpencils.com/comics/...eachersNEW.jpg

The poem performed by the author:

Here's a link to that.

Pretty intense man, thanks.

That was awesome!

Fantastic!

Stepped out of the car in smallville tonight after a 3 hour drive and my sister was on the phone. Our mother fell today and broke her pelvis. She's been in the ER since this morning, waiting for a bed to come available. She's stable and has pain meds - I called and talked to the ER doc, and things are stable.

But. I'm so tired after bringing my father here last weekend. I still don't rebound like I did before chemo. I should go see my mother but can't figure out how - I don't have the leave, and I don't have the energy. For tonight I'm just too tired. I'll see if things are clearer, or if I have the energy to jump on a plane, rent a car, drive drive drive, and come back again within 24 hours, in the morning.

Oh, and ... I put a little color in my hair today, just gave it some depth and a richer tone. I'm not brave with hair color. But my second son, who is on the autistic spectrum, was distressed and has cried and protested multiple times since I got home. Interesting - he didn't get upset when I was bald during chemo. But he doesn't do well with me cutting my hair or doing anything with color. It's not really upsetting because I've been here, done this before. But it just sort of finishes out the night.

I'm so sorry, ortho. Is he perhaps so upset with the change this time because now he equates hair change with all the sadness and stress that went along with chemo?

It's hard to tell. He doesn't like me to look 'different', so being bald during chemo (even though I wore cute little caps and had a wig for public outings) probably was a big stress for him. But he's always, from a little boy, hated it if I changed my hair. I had long hair (almost waist-length) for years when he was little. The day I had it cut, he could not be consoled.

I'm so sorry Ortho. There is a limit to what you can do remember that.

Oh damn, Ortho. I'm really sorry about your mom.

We've had some good news today - her fracture is stable and doesn't need surgery, so her recovery will be a matter of weeks rather than months. She was very happy to hear that (as were we all) so was pretty upbeat on the phone.

I wish her well.

Baby's mother passed away night before last. She'd been in ill health for a long time. She was 70-ish.

:blackr:

I'm sorry.

Sorry, Gravdigr. Give Baby a hug for us.

Bummer, I'm sure you'll be there for her.:(

I'm sorry, Grav. My condolences to all.

Sad news Gravdigr. My condolences to Baby and her loved ones, including you.

Sorry for your loss.

dammit.

Sorry dude.

Ah damn, that's so sad. Give your lass an extra hug from us.

Poor baby. I am glad she has you to help her through this time grav. Xx

Sorry Grav.

She sends her thanks for all your thoughts.

My stepdaughter is such a mess, and it's so hard to watch.

She's 15, but her maturity level is about that of a 12-year-old. She's been diagnosed with ADD, social anxiety disorder, and has some OCD behaviors that according to her psychiatrist mean she is "heading for a full-blown personality disorder," but he can't decide which one yet.

Blood tests have also shown definitively that she has anti-gliadin (i.e. celiac) antibodies, but her mom's not interested in whether that's causing some or all of her neurological symptoms. Never mind the fact that at our house, where she is gluten-free, we see maybe 10-20% of the behavior problems that her mom reports seeing. Instead she has her on Lexapro, Focalin, and Risperidone, none of which seem to be making much difference, according to her mom. She has developed frequent physical tics, a common side effect of Risperidone and one they usually say means you need to transition off the med ASAP, but the mom and psych believe the tics are inherently hers and not a side effect of the med. She has talked about suicide multiple times, another massive fucking warning sign for teens on Risperidone, and yet still they keep her on the med.

We have tried to convince her to come live with us, but she is afraid of hurting her mother's feelings. Yet she was baffled when we tried to explain to her that killing herself would hurt her mother far more than choosing to live with us. In her mind, taking herself out of the world is just her own business, rejecting both houses equally rather than judging one to be better than the other. And to be honest, coming to live with us wouldn't actually solve as much as we'd like, because her mother would freak out, move to our city to be closer, and generally insert herself so much into her life that it would be like she was living with her anyway.

It's hard being part of a step family. Hard to know what the best answer is most of the time. Mostly your hands are tied, especially when the children involved are old enough to have some say in where they live etc.

Can Mr Clod suggest to his ex that it's in his daughters best interest to have a change of scene, or even just put it to her that he wants a turn at full time parenting before she's an adult? I'm sure you guys have considered all the options, so I hope something changes the outcomes which seem likely for your stepdaughter. xx

Oh yes, the lengthy and expensive custody battle made it pretty clear he wanted a turn at full-time parenting. :) If he tried to take it back to court now, the mom would most likely bring her psych in to testify that such a "dramatic" change would be too destabilizing for her. Plus, she's old enough that the judge would ask for her input--he doesn't have to do what she says, necessarily, but it does factor in--and we think she would probably say she wanted to stay with her mom, to avoid hurting her mom's feelings.

Our hope right now is that she can manage to weather the next two years, and then get the hell out of that household (which is emotionally unhealthy in a number of ways,) at which point she can take control of her life and hopefully blossom.

I'm so sorry Clod.

I'm sorry too, Clod. I hope she can hold it together until she can get out.

What makes you think she'll be emotionally ready and able to leave in two years?

Nothing. But she'll never get emotionally ready if she doesn't leave first. The house is full of codependency (from the mom) and verbal/emotional abuse (from the other relatives living there.) If she doesn't get out at 18, when there's a logical impetus to leave and go off to college, she'll never escape. That's why the mom is still living in the family home, even though she's in her 40s and it means she has to share a single bedroom with both her children.

Not sure about where you live, but that alone would be a huge red flag and nearly reason enough for the court to remover her from the home.

Wow. That's fucked up. I mean, I know some people can't afford any better, and who am I to judge? But if you have any options, that's not a good living arrangement.

Oh wow, I thought it was just a clingy Mom, but much more fucked up than I'd imagined. I hope she reaches escape velocity.

Yeah, just make sure she knows she has a soft landing at your house.

That's it right there: knowing there is a soft landing somewhere.

I hope things work out for her.

It was this way back during the custody battle too. They argued that it was "cultural" (Vietnamese,) both the staying in the family home and the closeness. To be fair, the house is 5,000 square feet, they're not living in squalor. The family is loaded, but as the black sheep who went out and got knocked up, they give her none of it. She could sue for her portion of the inheritance, but doesn't have the balls.

Yes, it's "cultural" for extended families to stay together in one house, but mother and children to stay in ONE bedroom? I don't think so. And Vietnamese just don't do that anymore. Not in America, that is. They only do that when they can't afford to live on their own. That woman sounds like she's having a difficult time supporting her kids. Your husband really should have custody of the kids. By the way, nowadays, only one set of parents, meaning either the husband's parents or the wife's parent, live with the family. Extended families don't usually live together anymore.

I didn't know your husband's ex is Vietnamese.

Maybe you can subpoena Lola as an expert witness.
:bolt:

I'm sorry you're going through this right now, clod. We are dealing with something similar with my stepdaughter, but probably not as dramatic. Still, these mind meddling bio moms are the pits! Just wanted to add whatever words of comfort I can. It won't be this bad forever.

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I'm sorry, I have to post again. Probably, stepdaughter is afraid of the backlash of guilt she will endure till the end of time is the biggest reason she doesn't move to dad's house. That's the case with ours, anyway. Guilt is the control mechanism for abusive bio mom in our case.

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Hey kero, good to hear from you!

Oh, absolutely. What we can't figure out is if she wants us to be the "bad guys," demanding that she come live with us so that she gets what she wants without having to look responsible for the change, or if she really doesn't want to deal with switching schools and all those things teenagers put a lot of weight on in addition to their parental situation.

It probably just has to be her decision either way. And if she chooses status quo, she isn't ready to take responsibility for that choice yet. Ours is going through that, too. She feels like she is hurting no matter what she does.
Personal responsibility is something she has not had role modeled to her in the 9 years she has lived with bio mom. We can't expect her to suddenly get that she can have some responsibility for her choices and be okay with it. Especially at 15. I imagine yours is similar.

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What's upsetting you today?
 

Maybe your being willing to take the fall and be the bad guys is what she needs from you right now. Then, over time, she can learn that it can be safe and desirable to be responsible. Right now she's just a kid who needs help.

And probably a little bit of "social inertia" too.

That too. Only you (the parents) can know whether it is right to make that call. We keep going back and forth on that very point. Do we fight for them to live here, or allow them to choose

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Mum's seriously considering having Mia put down.
Because she's being annoying.

On one level I am very upset by this, disappointed in her and quietly horrified.
But when I think it through, I can understand her decision and how she's approaching it. Quality of life is important, and Mum feels hers is being very much compromised by the cat. She hasn't slept in her own bed for the best part of two years now. She finds Mia's constant miaowing very difficult to deal with, and she is slowly being driven mad by the fact that Mia will no longer stay in their room during the day, but needs to be in the living room (this is a problem because of Diz -he can't stay shut up in my room 24-7 and he can't get on with Mia).

Mum says Mia has dementia (hmmmm).
She's certainly deaf and does behave quite erratically. She walks into things and falls over sideways on occasion, although the vet says this is probably due to her loss of hearing as he can't find anything else wrong.

See the thing is, Mum feels she has too much to deal with at present, and she can't cope. Taking an old cat out of the equation might just improve her life a little, and surely my Mum's life is more important than that of a 19 year old cat?
And after all there is a slight chance Mum might just tip over the edge and really hurt her one day; humans can fight back and a wallop is preferable to euthanasia, but cats are too fragile to take abuse and perhaps a nice quiet slip into sleep is better than being kicked out of the way once too often.

I don't know.
I just don't know.
It's not my decision and it's not up to me to judge.

Oh and Uncle Ted died.
Which is upsetting, but not unexpected.
He's quite a bit older than Dad and has been in a nursing home for a few months now. He didn't know anyone or anything in the last few weeks.

The funeral is 28 January, off to Peckham Rye.
It's at the same Crem as Uncle Charlie and Dad's parents.
I might be the only representative of this branch of Robinson children.
I hope not - I think Ste should take a day off just because it would mean so much to Mum. Dad wouldn't necessarily notice, but another person would be a real help with getting him on and off public transport.
Although hopefully Laura won't come. Mean of me, but it's how I feel. It's not likely anyway, she had always judged family on how they treat her children and Ted was just too old and lived too far away to be involved in her kids' lives.

ETA I didn't mean to put my Uncle's actual death below the potential death of a family pet, it was just what was on the top of my mind when I started writing.

Some cat charities can rehome old cats. Some people will be glad to home a pet at the end of its life.
Hope the funeral goes ok.

Sent by thought transference

Sorry about your uncle Sundae. Xx

19 is a pretty good innings for a cat. Maybe your Mum is right? Has she always been a wower? It is very hard to deal with. Maybe rehoming is a good option? Your mum does have a lot of things to worry about at present. I hope you can help her find the best solutioj. Xx

Nineteen is a good age for a cat. And Mia has changed significantly in the last year, so perhaps she is genuinely losing her marbles.

She wasn't vocal when she was younger - not at all.
She didn't call or even purr very much.
After my parents' other cat died (half-Siamese, VERY vocal) she became a normal, slightly quiet cat.

Now she doesn't really shut up.
She cries constantly to come out of the bedroom, to be let into and out of rooms, to go out of the house or come back in again, for food and just for general attention.
It doesn't bother me, I'm used to Diz McNoise, but I can understand that it's getting to Mum.

I think she would rather have Mia put down than adopted.
It would seem more cruel to her having an old and confused cat taken away from her surroundings for the last year or so of her life.
And I agree with that, as skewed as it sounds.
Given the choice between having Diz adopted or put down of course I would choose adoption for him (although I'd rather be put down myself that let him go) but he's still capable of adapting.
I'm not sure if Mia would even survive a cattery these days.

Well yeah, dead cats tell no tales.

Sorry, couldn't resist. I know what you meant in context.

19 yo is very old for a kitty. If said kitty weren't falling down and stuff I wouldn't advocate euthanasia...but I wonder about a blind cat who falls down. I didn't think blindness would affect a cat's ability to stay on its feet.

So sad, no matter. I wish the best for you and Mia in this situation. :(

Falling down for no reason would indicate neurological problems to me. And maybe this is anthropomorphizing a bit, but I would be inclined to equate the constant meowing with the unsettled ramblings and rantings of an elderly person, which would make them an indicator of fear/confusion--basically, mental suffering. If Mia were a person perhaps you could reach her, find a way to explain that everything was still all right, but as she's a cat, it's unlikely.

Just being completely honest here, I hope you don't hate me for this, but I'd probably go with a quiet, painless euthanesia as well, if the choice were up to me. Not because of the annoyance factor, but because I would assume that her quality of life had gone down enough that it was wrong to prolong the suffering just for the sake of keeping the humans company a little longer. In my defense, I'm also usually a fan of hospice care for terminal human patients instead of extreme medical treatments that extend life by only a small fraction.

I don't hate you at all. And not because I just don't hate you.
I posted here because I was trying to come to terms with something I found quite shocking.
I mean this is the woman who set an alarm clock to get up and give "my" rabbit oral antibiotics during the night. "My" rabbit because of course she was a family pet, and I had left home by then.

The more I think it through the less I am shocked.
I'm still saddened. But I know Mum is too.
She might not have Mia put down, but she did feel they waited too long with Tinker, the cat I grew up with.
The situation was different, and Tinker was a mercy killing, but Mum was the one who cried and cried.
She doesn't need that on top of everything else.

I'ma gonna tell her it's okay if that is her decision, not that I would have said anything if I didn't agree.
But I do love her, and I want her to know I understand.

Funnily enough (not funny) Auntie Joyce called while I was typing this post.
Uncle Ted's wife.
We had a good old chat.
I had to pass her on to Dad (Mum's housesitting) even though I know he will struggle to hear her and won't necessarily remember she called.
But as she said to me, "Don't worry, I'm used to the Robinson men after all this time!"