My brain still doesn't work, post-chemo. I have to use all sorts of coping mechanisms to remember everything I have to do/take with me in the morning/do before or after work. It terrifies me. I don't know what type of work to go for next year, or even if I'll be able to work.

And my older sister calls to moan about how badly off our parents are. I know, I know. I'm visiting my father at the end of this month and my mother, I don't know when. None of my sibs ever bother. Older sis recently made the effort for the first time in ten years, so now she's all in a tiz. I've seen both of the 'rents far, far more. But her moaning is upsetting.

I will be up at 3 am for the next two or three days, to get my academic work done. These days, a little voice in the back of my mind asks, why? I'll probably have mets show up on my July scan. Then I'll wonder why I did all of this.

No you wont and no you wont. Everything is going to be fine. After everything you've been through, I think it's ok to expect a little slipping in the mind for a while (mind you, I don't really think there's anything wrong with your brain considering the marks you've been getting), so stop stressing about stuff and just give yourself a break. Get on with things and stop worrying about what might be. xxx

Thanks Ali, I try to calm down and do Zen breathing every time I can. But when I forget all of my books, my case files, and my meds in smalltown and have to scramble to get meds etc. for the week - and have to make lists upon lists and then still forget things, and am too exhausted by 7 pm to do the required 4 hours of academic work, but still can't sleep ... I get to the point where I don't feel like I'll ever be normal again. I spent almost two hours tonight trying to book flights to see my father and didn't, because there were so many variables and I don't trust young pilots in small planes (how ironic, I'm the one who shouldn't care), and I ended up deciding to drive. Although based on my last long trip that may not be a great idea. But at least, if a fatal accident occurs, I'll be in control. And no, I won't kill anyone else.

I keep pulling academic stuff off and it reassures me but something deeper is wrong. However ... it'll make itself unquestionably felt when it's ready. It may be that, before that time comes, i'll have other things to worry about.

I don't mean to come off as a drama queen. I just have a deep, gnawing feeling that something is far wrong.

From my perspective, you're life has been totally fucked up for a couple of years and you've proved to be smart and resilient. I wonder, since you are much more knowledgeable than the average bear about cancer/chemo, if you're subconsciously being nagged by what could have been, rather than what was/is? Like your head was ready for the worst case scenario, and still not convinced it won't happen. Does that make any sense?

It does make sense, Bruce. I'm very relieved that it wasn't the worst case scenario, definitely. The trouble with breast cancer is that it's more a chronic disease than anything else. You don't get pronounced 'cured' at five years, you're in remission but you're never cured. Your risk of recurrence goes down at that point but recurrences or mets still happen as long as twenty, twenty-six years later. The sooner a recurrence occurs, the worse the outlook, so counting off the first five years does lead to a big sigh of relief. But it tends to come back at some point.

I'm not worried about that right now, though. My post-chemo head-to-toe scan is in July, and I'd be extremely surprised if something showed up. I totally expect to be NED (no evidence of disease). It's this chemo brain that's getting me down. I worry that it won't go away, worry about how it'll affect my work and life. But worry never solved anything, so I have to practice more Zen breathing.

I'm upset by my computer, it is down it keeps shuting off after about 30 seconds. I am pissed at Apple this thing cost $2,000.00, 3 years ago since it has gotten a new cooling fan $125.00, hard drive $500.00, and now it has a software problem, I hope. If it costs more than $200.00 we will get a new PC. I don't have the money for a new computer. I am at the Library using a 'puter. "BALLS."

I switched off apple and onto PCs in 2006. Still have the same PC, no repairs except replaced one DVD burner. Still a pretty decent machine, speedwise. I think I paid about $1300 with a monitor and a pair of decent speakers.

Hm, I've had great luck with apples. We even have an old rounded Mac, the kind that came out in colors, from - I don't know, 1996? It still works and runs the kids' educational software I bought then (that was some of the best stuff ever -Treasure Mountain, Treasure Cove, Super Solvers, Dorling-Kindersley programs, Operation Neptune, GeoSafari, Carmen Sandiego).

I digress. We also have 2 mammoth PC laptops and a tower or two that just won't die. There's always a use for them.

I'm in the Travelodge at Hounslow (London) having spent a fairly fruitless day at the archives. I've basically spent half of what I had left to do this trip (2 days) and it may just be a total fucking waste.

I came down yesterday evening, with plans to get out really early and get to the archives before they opened....

I got up in time, had a good breakfast and was out the hotel by 8:45. Not quite early enough to beat the 9am opening, but plenty time to get there for 10...not bad.

Got halfway to fucking Kew and realised I'd left my sodding camera at the hotel. Had to go all the way back and get it. Didn't get to the archives until nearly midday...realised my card expired a couple of months back and had to reregister (another 20 mins). By the time I'd booked my table, searched for and ordered some records it was gone 1pm. Then a 45 minute wait until the first records were delivered to me.

They've changed the catalogue search system. It's shit. Much harder to navigate imo. And what I thought would be a straightforward search for a set of courts martial records turned into bollocks: rather than a volume of transcribed trials (easily photographed and showing complete records) like the ones I had for the 1790s, the ones for 1813-1825 are just boxes of individual trial papers...small, difficult to manouevre for photographing, half of them are damaged beyond reading, and the ones that aren't are barely relevant to my work. - still photographed them though in case I can make sense of them when I can zoom in.

Left the archives just before they closed, having pre-ordered some docs for tomorrow. Given up on the general courts martial, gonna try and find some regimental courts martial in the individual regimental returns.

Of course tomorrow it's normal opening hours (shuts at 5) instead of the long opening day that I managed to waste. (closed at 7)

So...was feeling glum. It's all piled up on me a bit. Money has more or less run out and I currently have zero income. Gonna put in a claim this week (now that uni is officially over - though I will still be working on my PhD as a 'write up year'

Rent is overdue, dog needs vet stuff, etc etc. Claiming for housing benefit means getting in touch with the landlord which means them coming round, which means I have to try and rescue the shitpile that used to be their house. Which reminds me: Thanks for chewing the fuck out of everything Carrot, that really makes life easy.

And then....on the way home from the Archive one of the veneers on my front teeth split and half of it came away. Front and centre, looking good huh?

Which means a fuckoff big dentists bill to deal with it.

How I managed to hold back the tears on the subway I don;t know. I really felt like I was going. I just wanted to sit down and sob and not care what anybody thought.

I dunno. I think I may be due ya know? Like, expecting a visit from the stomach cramps fairy. This stuff doesn't usually make me cry.


Anways. Got back to the hotel, dumped the laptop and camera etc and went off looking for a late chemist. Yey for ASDA! Bought an emergency dental repair kit and glued the fucker back in. Yeah, well. We'll see if it stays. Am half expecting to wake up with it gone and swallowed. Which would be a pain.

There. That's my rant done. Thanks for listening dwellarpeeps. I feel a bit better for offloading :P



[eta] oh yeah, forgot to mention my broadband at home is off. Th phone went down completely for a few days then they fixed that but now the broadband doesn't work.

Oh bum!

That is one bad day. Sorry Dana, what a crapload to fall on you all at once. Offload as much of it as you want. I hope tomorrow improves.

Oh Dana. Oh hon, that's the shits.

Glad you twigged on to gluing the fucker back in yourself. That's all the dentist does anyway.

Sucky day, Dana. Sorry to hear. :(

Thanks all. :) I've woken up feelin a lot brighter this morning. I think possibly because I'll be heading home after the archives this evening.

Back to my Carrotchops and my beloved Pennine hills. Hurrah;)

Update: I'll preface this by saying I had a much better day at the archives today, found loads of stuff (had to cherry pick 'cause of time and really wish I'd stumbled on that vein yesterday! But got enough that the trip was worthwhile) and got myself to kings cross station 1 1/2 hours before train was due to leave...

Bloody good job I did! My lovely, straight through, no changes train to Halifax was cancelled. Had to get an earlier train to leeds... which itself had to stop en route for a while and ended up 45 mins late.
Original train would have got me to Halifax for 10:30 where mum would pick me up (with carrot!). It's now 10:46 and I'm on a train from leeds to Halifax ... Due to arrive at 11:15 where I shall get a taxi (no carrot) having suggested to Ma that she and the dogs shut up shop and go to bed (there was a high chance we'd miss this connection and I'd have been getting back at nearly midnight at that point).

How's that for an end to this trip? Lol

What a shitty experience all round.
Sorry to hear about it.
The words cherry and vein leapt out at me from your original post and I thought, "Oh noes!" but in fact is was worse than my recent experiences anyway :(

Dads had another hospital visit today. Seems like every week. John Radcliffe (Oxford) specialise in head/ brain injuries. Todays diagnosis is not dementia, not epilepsy, not auto-immune disorder but some some of damage to the brain which could have been caused some time ago.

He has to go into the JR for four days. They want to put him on a drip and monitor him.
ASAP.
No beds available at present, wait for a phone call.

I need to convince Mum I am sober and get them to rent a car for me to drive.
The JR is nearly two hours by public transport, she can't be doing that every day, and it's not fair on Dad to be left alone that long.

I've no idea how good they are there, but Mum won't want to risk it given his poor hearing - he'll just smile and nod. If I knew they were like Addenbrooke's I'd just try to reassure Mum that he was in the best place. If they're anything like Stoke Mandeville I'd suggest she booked a B&B and went in to look after him herself. Like they did in debtors' prisons back in Dickens' time.

Sadness.

My lead singer Johnny O took a spill down a flight of stairs. Broke four ribs and hit his head. His brain didn't swell up so that's good, but he's still in hospital 10 days later with low sodium levels.

ten days? that seems like a long time for broken ribs. is there other stuff going on? I admit I don't know much about your clue regarding his low sodium levels.

I wish him the best. get well, soon if possible.

Sorry to hear that, UT. Hope he starts getting better soon!

Best wishes to Sundae's Dad and Johnny O.

Hope it's not inappropriate, but I'm pretty sure there's a blues song in this:

Bit of repetition, a few, "I saiyd"s, guitar line with some syncopated minor thirds ...

There is a natural rhythm there !

Apparently brain trauma can cause low sodium, when the body's total water content increases but the sodium level stays the same.

ah.

I would imagine that if he's receiving hydration in the hospital, they'd give him something balanced like "gatorade" or "saline" (honestly, I don't know what the actual stuff is) but I get your dilution illustration. if they can give him water, it would seem as though they could just as easily add the necessary sodium at the same time.

dude, not a doctor. not bustin your chops. just.. when I've been in the hospital, I have questions, and your post triggered that. I am not interrogating you, I'm just reacting to my own memories of my own experiences.

I sincerely hope for your friend's speedy recovery. Brain injuries are deadly fucking serious and I have little sense of humor about the subject.

Diabetes Insipidus
is most likely what he has. My son dealt with it as well.
There is medication for it, but it can be tricky to get the dosage proper. Every brain injury is different. Age/weight/health are also key factors with all this...
Hope all works out well for him. :(

Visited him in hospital today. He said that he went into a phase where he was speaking nonsense a few days ago. ("How did they know?" I asked. John is a pretty wacky guy when "normal".) He also now has a condition where his right foot bends down at the ankle and he can't bend it back up.

Thats called "foot drop" been there too. Thats caused by a loss of brain signal. Sounds like he suffered a Diffuse Axonal Injury (DAI), not just a Blunt Force Trauma. What hospital is he in?

As for the talking none sense. They are REALLY tricky in things they say to elicit certain responses. Brain injury patients are getting "tested" all the time.

He's at Christiana, although we don't know why since he lives in Norristown.

I have an incredible tooth ache that started on Thursday as a mild discomfort and by Friday afternoon was getting worse. I called my dentist only to find out they close on Friday at noon. The tooth is one of my old wisdom teeth that was left in some 40 years ago as it and the one above it came in straight. Well, something is wrong and yesterday I had to resort to taking hydrocodone left over from some past surgery. Now I'm having coffee trying to shake off the grogginess of the pain med. and waiting for 8 am when my dentist opens.

hope you're ok to drive and you get the first appointment, chris

thanks for the informative link classic.

good luck to your friend UT.

EEK, that is hurtie!!!

That is odd, UT. I would have thought of several others... Wait where did the accident happen? Was he in DE?

Saw my dentist yesterday in the late afternoon when he had an opening and after getting an xray (rather hard for a wisdom tooth when it hurts to open your jaw wide enough to get the film plate back there) he said the tooth's nerve is infected and the infection has spread to the tissue surrounding the roots. He prescribed a strong antibiotic and some more hydrocodine. Said the pain and swelling should go down within 24 hours. After the infection is gone he will pull the tooth as it isn't worth doing a root canal on a wisdom tooth, I had 2 that were left in 40 years ago as they came in without incident unlike the other 2. I hate taking hydrocodene during the day so will try to just get by with over the counter pain meds today. :yeldead:

Yeouch. :(

Jeez Chris, sorry. I'm glad he was able to fit you in and there's a plan.

The accident happened in his house in Norristown. His sister lives in DE and she was the one who went and got him, so we can only assume she figured she knew the best hospital for him, and carted him down there.

He doesn't remember the accident, only that he woke up in his living room in pain.

We had to come home early from our trip cause we all got sick. I am still trying to cough up my lungs. Oh well. Shit like that happens. We saw family, but no snow and no zoo. :(

I'm sorry Ali. I had high hopes for you guys and your road trip.

Getting sick on a road trip is horrid. Sorry you had to cut it short, Ali.

get well soon Ali, and your kiddos too.

Thanks guys. I am very upset about it. I feel like it might have been tge last chance for a hol with both the big boys. There are some ruminations about trying the trip again in september hols, so we will see how that goes.

Aww, bummer. Couple of days bed rest all round.

Well, still a bit sore in the back of my mouth but early morning Wednesday my tooth was hurting so much I called back my dentist. He said it sounded like the infection was worse than he could see in the Xray and I probably needed to see an orthodontic surgeon. He recommended several but being the day before the 4th of July it was hard to find one who would fit me in. Finally saw one in the early afternoon who after yet another xray said I needed to have the tooth removed immediately. He and his team did surgery and it was out in 30 minutes and I don't know what they put in their anesthesia but I saw all kinds of bright colors and pretty things.

Spent the 4th taking it easy and had a post op check today and some kind of drainage tube removed. Cleared to fly to Seattle on Monday which is good. He said I had a severe abscess and that the infection left unattended would have caused all kinds of problems.

Glad you're on the mend!

Say hello to Seattle for me, willya?

Mum called about an hour and a half ago to tell me she'd found out that Martin and Jen were at the hospital with our Sophie (youngest niece, 15 years old) with suspected broken wrist from a cheerleading fall. Just heard from her again: they've plastered her up, but they may have to transfer her to Huddersfield, remove the cast and operate. Not sure why. Maybe a really bad or complex break?

Anyway. Feeling very sorry for Sophie and also my bro and SiL. What a horrible way to spend a night. Poor bloody kid.

We've all been worried something like this might happen. There've been other kids in the squad/team(?) who've been hurt and she's had a few near misses herself.

Recently she's been getting into dancing as well, and blew everyone away with her performance at a show last week. So, we've all been quietly hoping the cheerleading would be naturally pushed aside by the dancing.

Small mercies: she finished her exams this week. Given it's her right hand, this could have really screwed up this round of exams and that would have been a shame, because she's worked really hard.

Kaiser just opened a huge, brand spanking new, facility on the west side of PDX.

A pre-op waiting room is just outside the door to the Fracture/Cast clinic.
The wall-art is an expanse of "designer" skate-boards, and there
is a loop-TV running about the need for kids to wear helmets, etc.

A well targeted audience...

Ah Dana, that's rough.
I mean all kids break something (I had to wait until I was 17 and it really annoyed me) but to have the added worry that it's something more is awful for her, you and the family.
Like you say, the shilling in the shit is that she got through her exams first.

My thoughts to you, and extended to those I only know through you.

It was the CIA Dana... every 4th of July they sent an agent to olde blighty to break some random kids wrist. :cool:

Uh-oh. Hope you like living in Ecuador, Bruce...

Argh.
Today dad decided he wanted to change his name to Three-Fingered Pete.
He had a good old try anyway.

Turns out he "modified" the hedge-trimmer with a couple of pieces of gaffer tape, effectively bypassing the safety cut-off. Then held the business end.

Lots of blood.
Lots and lots of blood. Off to A&E for a fun afternoon in the waiting room.
Mum is pretty good with blood and didn't even bother to disturb me because she thought I was asleep (?!) In fact I had the curtains drawn to reduce the glare of the sun and any sound was drowned out by the fan going full pelt, and Richard Bacon interviewing Derren Brown on the radio.

She'd already found the time to clean up most of the blood and write me an uber-casual note before I wandered out during a news break to get a drink from the fridge. At that point they were just waiting for the taxi.

One finger was just badly gashed.
The other had a proper lump gouged out of it and the Doctor said, "Mr Robinson, I think you have been very lucky today." There was talk that he may have nicked a vein and they were intending to keep him in under observation because they couldn't stop the bleeding. In the end, about four hours after the accident they let him go home.

In the mean time I was a good girl.
Brought in the washing, remade the bed in the spare room, washed the cushion Dad had bled all over, hunted down the spots and spatters Mum had missed, put away the gardening tools - including the strimmer of death - watered the garden and started dinner. Worrying all the while. She did call me from the hospital, but she didn't want to leave him alone to make calls as he might have been called in without her.

Poor old Mum.
She has to shower him for a week as he's not allowed to get the bandages wet. Which would be quite sexy if they were 40 years younger, but I think will lead to much frustration and shouting these days. She'll hate having to be up close and personal in a hot bathroom; she can barely tolerate her own showers when the weather's like this. And no, our peculiar shower does not allow you to change the temperature.

They have to go pick up a blood monitoring system for Dad tomorrow, while he is on the high doses of steroids. "I should have collected some today," she said, "he spread enough of it about." Given that it's an 09.00 appointment I expect she'll feel she has to get up at about 05.00 to get everything done in time.

Still. He still has all the digits he was born with, and it least it was his right hand (being a southpaw.)

Wow, Sundae. Glad it wasn't worse, but that sounds pretty bad as it is.

Sundae, can't your dad just put a plastic bag over it and secure the bag with a rubber band for showering? That's what my dad did when he pruned a couple of his fingers with the mower. Not very sexy, but perfectly serviceable.

Wow. Rough one for Dad. He is a regular guy, eh? We always pull shit like that and usually get away with it. Give him our best.

a string trimmer?

or

a hedge trimmer?

metal blades moving opposite each other in a scissoring motion?

or

a string(s) moving in a circle at very high speed?


either way, OUCH MOTHERFUCKING OUCH!

Wow, Sundae. Very glad he didn't lose a finger (or two.) And after he just left the hospital a few days ago, too. Do you think this was just macho DIY and a lesson learned, or is the impaired decision-making a side effect of his recent neurological troubles? He's lucky to have such caring women in his life.



As for me, did I say I had severe flu? Apparently, I meant meningitis. Still waiting on official cultures to determine whether it's viral or bacterial, but they've already started the aggressive IV antibiotics, because if it's bacterial they can't afford to wait even a day. On the one hand, spinal tap says it's likely bacterial (low glucose, high protein,) but on the other, everyone's telling me that it just can't be bacterial, because after 5 days of it I should have been dead already. One nurse here told me I should go back to the two clinics that brushed me off earlier in the week, and threaten to sue until they comp my prior visit. :rolleyes:

comp??!!

Don't you have a series of orthodontia appointments to cover? or a new lease on a new mazda people mover or some damn thing?

take no prisoners.

My dad had meningitis when i was a baby. He nearly died. Get better soon clod. Xxx

Sundae, I'm sorry about your dad's fingers.

Clod - whoa! Hope you feel better soon! Sounds intense.

Clod, OMG. Talk about really going for it! Much, much sympathy, you must be feeling like hell whichever flavour you have.
All the best from me. Don't listen to Spinal Tap, they'll tell you it's flu ramped up to 11.

Big V, it was one with blades moving in opposite directions.
Sigh.

The shouting and swearing didn't wait until this morning.
I woke up to a crashbangwallop in the early hours of the morning - Dad had missed the final step in going downstairs to let the cat out.
Mysteriously, he was going downstairs with a torch, rather than put the light on.
Now I do this. Because the landing light shines directly onto Mum in the spare room, and it seems unfair to wake her up just because I can't sleep. But Dad never does. I know because the landing light also shines directly onto my bed and wakes me up when he lets Mia out.

Anyway. F-bomb dropped numerous times. Mum threatening to leave him. Hoping he bled to death etc etc.

I know her fury masks fear and love, because this morning she has been nice as pie to him.
Even nicer than pie. Nice as a small bit of pie with a lovely cheeseboard.

Ali - I did wonder about why Dad can't bag his hand up in the shower.
I suspect it's because Mum doesn't trust him not to use it.
I think he should bag it up anyway - he claims he's only using his left hand but I caught him out twice already using both. For a start when he was pulling out the recycling bins which are collected today. "I'll do that, Dad!" Nope, he couldn't wait for me to put my flip flops on. He was halfway up the path with it... Men!

Oh I was, but not anymore. Now I have morphine. Percocets and Vicodins didn't even make a dent, but morphine is my new best friend.