A lady walks into her doctors office screaming. She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"
The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"
The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, "How much?" He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?" She giggles and says "No... it's just mustard this time."

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma had a mild stroke, couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "They won't let me fart."

A math professor was explaining a particularly complicated calculus concept to his class when a frustrated pre-med student interrupts him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the pre-med blurts out.

The professor pauses, and answers matter-of-factly: "Because math saves lives."

"How?" demanded the student. "How on Earth does calculus save lives?"

"Because," replied the professor, "it keeps certain people out of medical school."

Pie, you find the bestest jokes. :thumb:

The math professor has asked one of the above mentioned students: Tell me, what is 2 plus 2?

After some hesitation the student ventures: Mmmh, five?

The professor: That's wrong.

The students in the auditorium chorussing: Give him another chance, give him another chance!

The professor: ok, ok.

The student after lengthy consideration: three?

The professor: Wrong again!

Students: Give him another chance, give him another chance!

The professor: ok, once last chance. And I'll give you a clue, it's between your two previous answers.

The student gives this some thought and comes up with: Four?!

The chorus of students: Give him another chance, give him another chance!

:blush:

I liked that joke better when the blond was still Monica Lewinsky

An oldie:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said. "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

A Guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.

The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?"

He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.

She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.

He breaks her spell by saying, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."

A Touching Story:

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked...'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot', she exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled,
'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

.

You know those covered bridges in Iowa, LR? Many of the paintings you'll find of those bridges were done by my great grandfather. He was still painting them from memory after he was legally blind. he was a mean old bastard.