Two peanuts were walking down the street
One was assaulted.

LOL that one cracks me up every time!

Start a dirty joke thread, with a warning. ;)

LOL heck yes! I have a done of dirty, despicable, and down right wrong jokes!

You have a "done" huh? Don't you mean a ton?

Yes i mean ton, but I'm also a dork, so don't expect too much from me!

I think I can handle that. :D

how do you stop the kids next door from throwing their ball over your fence?


molest them

Kagen, you want this thread.

naaaah. im happy where it is.

Dr. Tran
 

For those who need a laugh, and haven't seen it:

"Here Comes Dr. Tran" : http://www.beyondgrandpa.com/drtran/about.html

Streaming video...not really worksafe.

That was pretty funny Maggie :)

Check out the Mad Cow

Foamy's Rant There are several. The first Foamy's Rant is my favorite of the "Rants"

Here are many more: I really like the "Small, Medium and Large"

This is the home of the toons: illwillpress

The toons age off after a while, so I posted the newgrounds as they have some that have gone.

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.



2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.



3. On the other hand, you have different fingers



4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.



5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.



6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.



7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.



8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.



9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.



10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.



11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.



12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.



13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.



14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.



15. O K, so what's the speed of dark?



16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.



17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.



18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.



19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?



20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.



21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?



22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.



23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?



24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.



25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.



26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt Tomorrow.

make someone say these five words outloud LOL

I ARE WE TODD DID

i are too

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."

"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance. which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."

"Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"

My Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.
2. He could make his own wine.
3. And he wasn't afraid of water.

My Black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

My Jewish friend had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But my women friends have the most compelling evidence of all that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her
boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.


She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread allover
the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the
box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're
not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
tiger."




He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed,.......................






"Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

i like a good sexist joke now and again. makes me happy to be a man ;)

A Cajun and a pet alligator
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal."
"I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside."
"Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute."
"Then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed."
"In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........."I'll try It!"
"Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

I'm glad to see I can still get a rise out of you guys even at my age.

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter
Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway
down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, the last guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches the end of the line and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".

Two nuns walk into a bar...
you would think one would have noticed.:smack:

Hey !!!! That is the blonde joke I told you!!!! You can't just change the subject and think it is a different joke. Gosh. :p

I can do what I want woman!

A priest, homosexual, and pedophile walked into a saloon. The first thing he did when he entered was go to the bar...

So this string walks into a bar and orders a drink
Bartender tells the string that they don't serve strings in there and that he has to leave
So the string leaves and then comes back later
Bartender tells the string the same thing so the string leaves
Next day the string tries again, but the same thing happens, so the string leaves
The string gets so frustrated with his attemps to get a drink that he rips up his ends and ties himself all up. When he calms down, he decides that he will try one more time.
When he walks into the bar, the bartender asks "hey aren't you that string who keeps trying to get drinks?"
string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

A blonde in her car gets pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop asks the driver for her license. "Gee, officer, what does that look like". The cops says "It's the little square thing with your face on it". The driver hands the cop her mirror.

The cop looks at the mirror, hands it back to the driver and says, "Sorry mam, I didn't realize you were an officer."

A cowboy from Texas was pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies ?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replied, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. But, a
moment later he stopped and said, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replied, "I have too much re spect for law
enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper said and went back to writing the ticket..

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl said, "Hard to fool them flies though."

stop me if you've heard these...

"what do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you done told the B* twice"

"What do 5,000 women at a battered womans convention have in common? None of them F*N listen"

"what do you call to mexicans playing basketball? juan on juan"

"2 neutrons are walking down the street. they accidentally bump into each other, one falls down. the one standing asks "are you ok?" the second says "yeah im fine" the first says "are you sure?" the second says "yes Im positive"

i got jokes out the yin yang...but im to lazy

A man driving through the desert stops at the first bar he's seen in over 200 miles. Dusty and tired he manages to get through the door of the old saloon to find quite a luxurious two story oasis inside. He sits down, orders a beer finding most everyone inside a friendly sort.

After a few beers he asks the bartender which door leads to the bathroom. The bartender says "Make sure you take the one on the right pal, the owner went to Florida a few years ago and brought back a real alligator. Keeps him chained to the porch out back. He used to be pretty friendly, but the owner kept feeding him candy and now he's got a rotten tooth and he is really mean". The man thanks him, uses the facilities and orders another beer.

A few more beers later the man spies a pickle jar full of $100 bills next to the register. He asks the bartender what in the world that is all about. "Well." replies the bartender "We have a bet in these parts been going on for a few years, see we got us a little whore house here and we got a whore that ain't never been satisfied."

"I'm not sure I understand you." Says the ma. "All I have to do is satisfy the whore and I get the money; sounds easy to me!"

"No." The bartender says shaking his head. "You have to pull that alligators rotten tooth too. Then the whole jar of money is yours".

The man sits a few hours more, drinking and pondering the treasure of the pickle jar decides he could satisfy the whore. He downs more beer, a few shots, and finally works up the courage, puts his $100.00 on the bar, and in a flash heads out the back door to tackle the alligator.

For ten minutes the most awful screams and slamming noises could be heard all over the bar. Furniture breaking, clothes ripping and then silence except for the back door swinging wide open to reveal the man, standing in shreaded clothes, sweat pouring off his brow, heart pounding, trying to catch his breath. Then he belts out

"All right...now where is the whore with the bad tooth?"

Children Writing About The Sea:

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

WHOOOPS :D

My youngest son returning from a bb gun hunting excursion: " I almost saw a deer!"

sent to me by my mom (who has recently retired to Texas)

TEXAS AIR CONTROL TOWER

Dallas ATC: "Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you, Dallas . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised "

Dallas ATC " Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great "

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC - DALLAS ATC"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE.

Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?

Moral: (DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS ! )

LOL... don't know about the deer where you live, but here in FL you shoot a deer with a BB gun you are likely to learn a lasting lesson.

Compared to a Ga. whitetail, Fla. deer appear to be small enough to actually KILL with a BB gun. No offense.

Bah. Come to Colorado if you want to see a deer. Those little swamp rats you have down there don't even make a bite.

I shot Bambi's dad

I gave Bambi's mom a shot. ;)

I don't shoot at deer. They're unarmed.

I had a stripper named Bambi call my house once at 3:00 in the morning looking for a rebel flag thong salesman.

sounds promising as a future springer episode.

Those paintshop boys don't hang about...

Labelled: 'Paul McCartney gets his share of the divorce settlement...'










.

Ooh! CF, that is naughty! I love it!

McCartney divorced?

What's the matter with you? Are you skipping the gossip and celebrity pages to keep abreast of real news?

I just found out about it myself when I turned on the TV over the weekend, and there were a bunch of talking heads talking about how his $$$$$$ will be split up since he had no pre-nup.

Heh heh - you said breast. :lol:

I actually knew McCartney was getting divorced early on because I saw something on Comedy Central making fun of it. But that aside... I don't get the prosthetic leg joke. :confused:

i thought his wife was dead. maybe it's her leg?

Soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Macca was a model, and then had a leg amputated after being in a bad motorcycle accident. She went into anti-landmines advocacy.

He was remarried.

McCartney married her without a pre-nup! He is screwed. Although I heard someone say his legal team is so good, she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

:)

Heather Mills (the soon to be ex Mrs McCartney) was actually less than a week away from marrying one Chris Terrill, a freelance photographer (he's actually just produced a documentary on the Royal de Luxe event in London last month - French giant elephant and girl thingy) - she wwent out to meet her sister at Heathrow airport (she was flying in from Greece for the wedding ) and she never came back - just phoned her fiance to say it was never going to happen. She'd met McCartney a few weeks before, he called round to donate £400,000 towards her landmines charity.

She lost her leg as UT said. She is looking for a huge divorce settlement which she says is to further her work with landmines victims. She seems to be a complex character inside who tries to show a simple character on the outside. I guess McCartney can afford it. Chris Terrill wrote a very amusing an informative open letter to Macca in the Sunday Times - worth reading if you can get hold of a copy... probably will be reproduced on the net somewhere, I'll have a look and edit this post if I find it - or else add it as a separate wentry.

First John.... now this.

First John.... now this. :rolleyes:

'scuse me... I think my machine just farted. Maybe time to install the new keyboard.

He can afford it? You must be a woman. No man would say, "Oh, it's just 600 million dollars. He can afford it."

They were married for less than 4 years and she gets 600 million dollars?!? She got to live in mansions, tour the world, eat great food, and sleep with a Beatle. She should be paying him.