She may change her mind, though, hopefully. One of the first stages of going through a major deal is denial. It could pass. Lookout, I do admire you for your patience and persistence. Keep on hanging in there! You don't know if it will all work out if you don't try, and you already have so much invested in this relationship - time, a child, your heart...and of course, there's her too. We don't know how much she is really hurting, it could be much more than she is willing to show, or admit to herself, much less to anyone else. I tried very hard to hide any pain and doubt when I decided that I "knew" I wanted to divorce my husband. At times, I regret the decision I made eight years ago. Ms. Lookout could very well be trying to do something that she would regret in time. Stay strong! You're doing fantastic!! And you will never regret that you tried your hardest.

Good advice Brett's Honey's advice. Its hard to encourage someone to do something they don't want to do. All you can do is keep trying and see what you can make happen. But your doing a stand up job, and thats saying something. So good luck Mr. Lookout.

As you no doubt know, she will find some problem that cannot be solved to blame. it si the "yes, but" game. or catch 22. the only thing that can help is X, but that would mean Y, which is untenable.
I think you may have entered the "humor her" phase of this journey.

You sound like you are doing the right things. keep strong.

yeah. don't know what to say. we had a long ago scheduled family vacation in disneyland from friday until earlier today. obviously with all that is going on and not going on that should have logically been cancelled. mrs lookout begged everyone (my family) to carry on, so we did. we were to leave mid afternoon on friday after she got off work. late afternoon we still hadn't heard from her. she came home smashed. she had left work and went to the PGA event. she was spoiling for a fight but i held my temper and calmly told her that i was disappointed she would have so little respect for me, our family, etc. i told her she could stay home or climb in the truck to head to disney - her choice. either way, the rest of us were going because i wasn't going to disappoint little lookout. she got in the truck and "went to sleep".

she woke up pretending nothing had happened and life was grande. we had a great weekend until last night when we were packing to head back to phoenix. the claws came out and the "i need a divorce" chick was there.

she has told me a few times that she hasn't hired an attorney, etc. i knew she'd met with one a couple of times (she said once). he left a voicemail on our home number while we were gone. dumbass. i checked the voicemail and gave her the message. she visibly braced herself for the fight and then almost fell on her face when my only comment was "let me know what is going on with your attorney - i don't see any reason to pay courier fees just to have me officially served". she fell all over herself with the "i haven't decided anything... nothing has been discussed... i don't have a schedule..."

whatever. i don't know what the truth is and i probably never will. i'll meet with my attorney tomorrow to tie up some loose ends. i've written off all the money that i know is in savings (about 6 months pay! damn by the book financial planners :rolleyes: ). neither of us has done anything to jeopardize custody. she makes as much as i do, so no spousal support, i won't fight for the house, but it is a community property state so i'll get half the equity. unless her lawyer is a REAL sleezebag there isn't a whole lot to argue about.

of course, i still want to repair the marriage and get her professional help for what seems like an obvious emotional/chemical/psych problem - and i will continue to pay for that if she is willing to seek help rather than file for divorce.

the worst part is the not knowing. it would be so much easier to put a bandage on the wound and tell her to draw up the divorce papers and get on with what life may bring me.

unfortunately, easier is not necessarily better. i still love her and will continue to fight for her as long as she is my wife.

damn it Lookout. you dont deserve this shit.

My concern would be little Lookout - if she is presenting emotional/chemical/psych problems, then the question of NOT jeopardizing the little one could become sticky.... How can anyone be sure in that type of situation? Is she claiming that the behaviour she exhibits is caused solely by her desires to have a new life? Does she act out in front of Little Lookout?
Often times when we are unhappy with ourselves we tend to blame everyone and everything around us for our problems.
Have you considered a possible bi-polar or depression issue? My ex was bi-polar and some of what you write seems eerily familiar...

She's gotten a psych eval that we can reasonably assume is abnormal. That jeapordizes custody in a big way if you call the psychiatrist to testify.

I'm assuming you're differentiating between alimony and child support, right? Because the parent with primary custody could make a million dollars a week and the non-custodial parent would still owe child support.

Keep fighting the good fight, man.

Recently diagnosed mental illness, or even a longstanding history of mental illness does not negatively impact custody unless there have been clear child endangerment issues related to the illness.

(I know a lot of people that shouldn't be raising corn, much less kids that retain custody.)

according to the attorney if i am stroking the checks for tuition, medical, etc directly, i won't be paying her a dime and she won't pay me anything.

the psych eval is not completed because she hasn't finished her interviews - but either way there is no criminal conduct so there is no reason to drag the psychologist into court.

Retain custody from the state, or retain custody from their demonstrably sane, employed and upstanding ex?

Lookout, I have an acquaintance who is going through a nasty custody battle with his ex wife who has been diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder. The psychological evaluation of her has played a major factor in the court's decision making process, and it looks as though this man will be awarded full custody of his kids, so don't automatically discount any psych evaluations that your wife might ultimately recieve.

I gotta agree with Clodfobble - sure there's lots of folks running around who shouldn't even be allowed to raise a colony of bacteria on a petri dish and still have kids, but most of those folks do not have children with a responsible other parent who fought them for custody.

If a friend had made the following statements to you over the past couple of months, what would you advise him to do on behalf of both himself and his son?

Earth to Lookout: The woman has a serious drinking problem and should not have sole custody of a 4 year old boy. Fight for your son with all the ammunition at your disposal!

no one is talking about sole custody - for me or her. at this point we have tentatively agreed upon me picking him up from school on tuesday and keeping him until saturday at 3 when she gets off work. with occasionally picking him up for a few hours after school on friday afternoons. that means that majority of the time would be with me.

that also means that if she chooses to continue pretending she is 22 she can party all she wants tuesday through friday.

it isn't perfect, but know court would award sole custody to me and honestly i don't want her to be pushed out of his life. he loves his mother. unless there is a genuine concern for his safety then i won't battle over that.

both

hey all you legal experts - i need some info pretty quickly... does it matter who serves who with divorce papers? does it matter what the initial decree says? or is it just a starting point for negotiations with no real lasting importance.

i have my reasons for not wanting to be the one to file, but i know that i am going to be served some time this week or early next week. the terms in the decree are not what was previously discussed. if this is important i'm going to need to get into my lawyer's office first thing monday morning to, for lack of a better term - "strike first". i really don't want to do that.

First off, I'm not a legal expert. I don't know anything about the law other than to know that the law does not necessarily follow the path you think it would. Our legal system is based on English common law meaning that case history becomes incorporated into the interpretation of statutory law. That is to say that prior court decisions are given great deference in deciding subsequent cases. This can produce justice or, in some cases, injustice. Do not make the mistake of thinking that the specifics of your situation will outweigh the effect of prior decisions rendered in cases similar to yours but which, when applied to your case, would produce a counterintuitive outcome.

I have done everything but beg you to hire a lawyer. Hire a goddamn lawyer and leave the tough questions to them. There is much at stake and you have, in my legally ignorant opinion, the upper hand. Do not piss it away by playing softball.

Trust me. If you continue to play nice, you are in for a royal asswhoopin.