My personal favorite is to stand near the line of kids and parents waiting to get their picture taken with the Easter Bunny ... "Wow, look at the load of Christian kids waiting to sit on the lap of the Pagan Fertility Symbol!"

Sounds like a guy from Maine I went to college with.... he'd threaten to "SKULL fuck yeh!!" for even the most minor infraction.... and then the cackling laughter...

Crazier than a rat in a tin shithouse

Grinning like a mad frog in a bucket/ Mad as a frog in a bucket

I don't like the cut of your jibb!

This is specific to my place of business: The rat turd does not fall far from the kumquat.

That should take the wind out of his sails

when suffering from a hangover:

"I feel like someone beat my ass with a sack of catfish"

That did make me laugh, though it brought back disturbing memories. Walking through the town centre on a busy shopping Saturday when I was 15, a respectable looking man (not fat, no overcoat) approached me and leaned in to say confidentially in my ear, "I'd love to taste your arsehole." Then walked away as if he'd just bid me good-day.

My friends - sadly - didn't believe me, although they admitted I went white then bright red. I do wonder if he had a thing about skinny girls in baggy jumpers & ankle length skirts, or whether it was just a power trip because I was such an unlikely candidate.

Busier than a two tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

Busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest

Busier than a one armed paper hanger

Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

(though I've never heard that one, just read it - does it count?)

Nervous as a pregnant nun

scared as a 10 year old on report card day

too broke to pay attention

like a cat on a hot tin roof

up the creek without a paddle

weak as water

Fine as paint

fine as frog hair

fine as a red cunt hair