Bluenecks
 

Bluenecks ARE NORTHERNERS . By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY spicy!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.

5. You have never, ever eaten okra, fried or boiled.

6. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

7. You have no idea what a polecat is.

8. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

9. You don't have bangs.

10. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

11. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

12. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

13. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

14. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the the head football coach salary.

15. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. (Not to even mention duct tape!)

16. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.

17. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

18. You call binoculars opera glasses.

19. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of road and stopping.

20. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

21. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).

22. You don't have doilies, and you don't know how to make one.

23. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

24. You can do your laundry without quarters.

25. None of your fur coats are homemade.

I can go one better than the feed store hat. I've got a baseball hat for a manure company.

oooh, the temptation, the temptation.....

I have them for several manufacturers of firearms and tactical products. And a gunstore.

Breakfast will never seem the same again....

Not sure if this is the right home for this one - someone sent me this advising that one of the girls was English and wanted me to identify which one that might be....

now that's a hard one

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.
As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here." :lol:

Nice one Bruce!

Reminds me of a true incident on the rather ancient and overcrowded underground train route in London that runs just between two stations - Waterloo and Bank (City of London) - oficially it's the Waterloo and City Line, but affectionately it is nick-named 'The Drain'. The journey takes about five minutes but seems like 15! The carriages are jam-packed filled to bursting during the commuter rush hour.

Generally the journey is undertaken in silence, but this particularly overcrowded morning one lady passenger had obviously reached the limit of her patience at being crushed between so many city gents, and her voice suddenly broke the quiet but otherwise ripe atmosphere: 'There are women in here you know!' to which there came the immediate chauvinistic reply:' Yes, they seem to turn up everywhere these days, don't they!' That exchange completed, the carriage returned to its normal silence for the rest of the journey. That's about as angry as we get.....

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and Blonde brains $190.00 a pound.’
So he asks the man behind the cashregister, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a Blonde's worth 190.00?”
The man replies, “do you know how many Blondes it takes to make a pound of brains?”


edit: It is so embarassing to have one's light roots revealed in print. Thanks 3ft!

Edit big V, edit, lest we think you blonde.

hahahaha

This was the opening joke of the training I'm attending today and tomorrow:

There was a synagogue that was having a problem with squirrels. The squirrels had gotten in and infested the rafters. They would pelt the congregants with nuts as they were attempting to daven. The minyan was coming up short because one of the fellows was allergic to both fur and nuts. The Haddassah were at their wits' ends because the squirrels were nibbling the embroidered cloth covers off the Torah and stealing from the emergency basket of yamulkas. The Cantor was certain that squirrels do not keep kosher!! The squirrels were frustrating to all, and they approached the Rabbi. The wise old Rebbe Zimmerman pondered a bit and consulted the Talmud. "The Squirrels," he said, "are creatures of God and therefore they may live in God's Temple."

The Lutherans just down the street had a similar problem. Their squirrels were extra active because they would nibble on the grounds from the coffee urns. The Lutheran Elders met and decided that they would relocate the squirrels. At great expense they engaged the services of a squirrel trapper, who used no-kill traps to catch all of the squirrels. He transported them far into the woods before releasing them. All of the squirrels returned the following week and headed straight for the coffee urn.

The Lutheran minister and the Jewish Rabbi met with the Catholic priest whose parish chapel was just down the way from the church and the synagogue. Nothing there wasn't so much as a nutshell or squirrel in sight, they asked him if he also had a squirrel problem. "Yes," the priest said, "We did."

"You did? What happened to the squirrels?"

"I baptized all of them and welcomed them into the Catholic Church. Half of them don't show up at all anymore, and the other half only stop by for Christmas and Easter."

hahahah nice, nice.

Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Canada initiates programme to protect wildfowl from avian flu H5N1
 

Canada initiates programme to protect wildfowl from avian flu H5N1:

well.. for a seasonal one..

Q.)why is santa claus so jolly?
A.) he knows where all the bad girls live...


on that note I'll be seeing you all later

cowhead! how the hell are you.

Two nuns, Sister Anne and Sister Noreen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.* Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Noreen. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Anne.
Sister Noreen switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Anne.
Sister Noreen turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Anne.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Noreen. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!!!!!"

from Emo Philips, who's still performing and still great:

"I was hoping it would snow this weekend... somehow there's nothing quite so beautiful as a white Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday."

Got this in my e-mail today, it was good for a chuckle....




New Rules for 2006
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket * water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Heh. Those are from Bill Maher's HBO show. Good stuff.

Hey Mr.Noodle, ( I know this doesn't really belong here...) things are interesting at the moment, after a little bout with homelessness, joblessness etc. I now find myself in Georgia.. yeah weird how these things work out isn't it? and if all pans out I might be trying to open a bar/grill/music venue in the next year or so.. so if you guys ever manage to make it out on tour I ought to have a place for you to play and a place to crash if need be. I'll keep you informed. (either here or on myspace) so! I suppose I ought to drop a joke or two eh?

q.) what do you call a girl with one leg?
a.) eileen

q.) what do you call a blind deer?
a.) no-i deer (say it)

q.) what do you calll a deer with no eyes and no legs?
a.) still no i-deer

q.) what do you call that same deer copulating?
a.) still no fucking i-deer

q.) how many animals can you find in a pair of womens stockings?
a.) an ass, 2 calves, a beaver, 10 little piggies and a fish that no-one can seem to find. ( a woman friend of mine told me that one.. it's her dateablity test (if they get the humour they have a chance)

a blonde a redhead and a brunette (who are all pregnant) are sitting in the gynocologists office and they strike up a conversation about the future sex of their babies... the brunette looks demurely up and says "I'm going to have a Girl because I was on the bottom" the redhead looks at her with a slight sneer and haughtily says "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top!" the blonde looks around in a state of panic looks nervousely around the room and says "OH NO! I'm going to have puppies!"

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.




GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.



I thought these were amusing so I thought I would share. :blush:

You're never too old to have a happy childhood.

You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.

Okay...it isn't humor, but it *is* appropriate, and no one has ever said it better than Bill Shakepeare:

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything."

Synchronicity. This thread has joined up with the Final Choices thread. We must all be in a January mood.

This may nave been posted befor , but I just found it

The Pianist

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-fucking manager of this bastard place?'

'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.

'Pardon?' says the manager.

'Fucking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your cunting piano.'

'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and shows the bloke to the piano.

'Can you play any blues?'

'Of course I fucking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

'That's superb. What's it called?'

'I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick,' replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'

'I Wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads.

The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager

'As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on.

She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra,and the skimpy little g-string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms.

She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate.

He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice. 'Where's that bastard pianist?'

He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear,

'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?'

The bloke replies 'Know it? I fucking wrote it.'

Most of the stuff I get in the mail that's supposed to be funny, isn't. I thought this was cute though. I have no idea if this really comes from the WP.


===========================================

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:


1.. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj..), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when
you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish
men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign
of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like,
a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming
only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole

File this under quasi-political humo(u)r. Again in the email, again kind of funny. My sister's on a roll lately. Anyway....


The European Language Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

herr noodle has vays uf meking you leff...

This one could be adapted to suit your requirements:

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
"I´ll have a Claims monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop and
took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and lead, handed it to the customer,
saying, "That´ll be £5,000".

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist
went over to the shopkeeper and said,"That was a very expensive monkey.
Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can settle claims very fast,
clear records, no mistakes, well worth the money".

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
"That one´s even more expensive. £10,000 - what does it do?"
"Oh, that´s one´s a Wordings monkey; it can design contracts, check
clauses, proof-read very long documents, write wordings, even some law.
All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around and saw another monkey - price £15,000. "That´s
an underwriter monkey the owner said. He assesses the risk and calculates
the premium, a very important job.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey in a
cage of it´s own (pissed out of it´s head). The price tag around its neck
read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper,"That one costs more than all
the others all put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper shook his head and replied.
"Well, I haven´t actually seen it do anything yet but it says it´s a
broker."

When I was a kid, five-six years old, I was very obsessed. Every fibre in me resonated, that I was the anti-christ. I researched, at a library, (anybody remember libraries?) I learnt the anti-christ has the sign of the beast, 666, on his/her body. I searched everywhere for my 666. I even used a magnifying mirror to explore certain cavities. No luck. No 666. Sigh. Then all of a sudden, a gift from below, I received a revelation, my scalp. I shaved my head, looked into a mirror, and to my dismay only saw 999. Double sigh.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...nsieur_666.jpg

Welcome Dov - and don't dismay - over here you will clearly be good to have around in an emergency :welcome:

Thank you Cyclefrance. I have not dismayed since and I am not planning to dismay in the near future.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...nsieur_666.jpg

You better knock that shit off before you convince W to invade Canada. :lol:

Its cool, Bruce, 666 or 999, we do not need nukes, (shhhh we have em), or even an army.

Mother Nature has taken care of us.

I would give half my kingdom to watch Buhbuh licking his metal rifle, during the states invasion of Canada in minus 60c here. Buhbuh will be speechless after his other brother Buhbuh rips away the metal rifle that his other brother Buhbuh has his tongue fused to.

CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED
(this is not TMI but it IS funny, Happy Holidays everyone)

1. Schizophrenia - **Do You Hear What I Hear?**

2. Multiple Personality Disorder - **We Three Queens Disoriented Are**

3. Amnesia - **I Don't Know If I'll Be Home For Christmas**

4. Narcissistic - **Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me**

5. Manic - **Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and
fire Hydrants and...

6. Paranoid - **Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me**

7. Borderline Personality Disorder - **Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire**

8. Full Personality Disorder - **You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why.**

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - **Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle...

10. Agoraphobia - **I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House**

11. Senile Dementia - **Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House
in My Slippers and Robe**

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder - **I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
Burned Down the House.**

13. Social Anxiety Disorder - **Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.**

If you're a schizophrenic and you're threatening suicide, is it concidered a hostage situation?


I am not schizophrenic, and neither am I. (Me neither).

Oh, I see, our Alaskan troops wouldn't know how to handle cold weather. :rolleyes:

I heard some bigwig AQer confessed during torture in the torture friendly Canary Islands, that OBL is hiding in Alaska.

American troops in Alaska – 17,989

OOOOOOUUU, scaiwwwwwweeeeeeeee.

(Do you have any clue how far that massive assembly of Alaskan American troops would have to travel, and not lick their metal rifles, (unless being mutes are their thing) would have to travel to reach my hometown of Montreal?

Keep in mind the last of many-failed invasion attempts your country made on mine, we burnt down your White House.
British/Canadian semantics.

btw, Alberta, where our oil is, Alberta is Prairie Province. Comparably the weather in Alaska is tropical. Winters are brutal in most of Alberta, with wind-chill factors, minus 75c is not uncommon.

If OBL is hiding in Alaska, maybe he's in cahoots with the US government and their plans to drill for oil in Alaska. Maybe the plan is to go looking for him, and throw in a few miss(pun?)iles (cause we absolutely know he's there!) and wow wee...wadayano! We've struck oil instead of an international terrorist.

This should divert the people for a while...

Disclaimer: I'm absolutely positive that the powers that be would never do anything so transparent! ;)

Time for another joke...

The Italian Lover and the Blonde

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I'm Norwegian."

And another (Ozzie/Kiwi category):

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and walked home. ;)

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then replied, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was getting ready to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'Bang, bang!!!'

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

One for the ladies...

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight.


When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunch time tomorrow.

The ninety-year-old man stood as the charges were read: assault with a dead weapon. He was acquitted, though, because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.

The Bus Trip
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter
a
double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana. The
Brunette
team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top
level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a
great
time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the
Blondes

upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
reached
the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight
ahead
at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The

brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and
whispered.
YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

How did the punkrocker cross the street?

Stapled to a chicken.

What's brown and sticky??
.
.
.
A stick.

Similar...

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He was stuck in a chicken

This guy goes to get in his car one morning and to his surprise he sees two penguins sat on the back seat - quite comfortable and looking out through the windows.

The guy is scratching his head wondering how they got there when his friend turns up: 'What's up?' says the friend.

'There's two penguins in the back of my car and I'm not sure what to do...'

' Well, if I were you,' says the friend, 'I'd take them to the zoo.'

'Good idea!' says the guy. He gets in the car and drives off.

Next day the friend is passing the guy's house and notices his car still with two penguins in it, only this time they're wearing sunglasses. Luckily the guy comes out.

' What's going on?' says the friend. 'I thought you were going to take them to the zoo.'

'I did,' answers the guy, ' and they enjoyed it so much I thought I'd take them to the beach today...'

A really ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?"

The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No," he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

Joe, the bartender, has been watching Ben, the barfly, try to attract the attentions of a woman in the bar. Ben has decided that, absent flowers, candy was the ticket. He hails Joe and says (with some ambition, it appears),

"Joe, Joe, I want a bucket of chocolate daquiris! A BIG one!" and slaps the bar for emphasis.

Joe replies, "Ben, we ain't got no chocolate."

Ben only understands the general sense that he didn't get what he wanted, so he tries again, "Joe, come on, just give me a pitcher of chocolate daquiris. Hurry!".

Joe's frustrated that while Ben's whole attention is on the woman at the end of the bar, he still has to deal with his demand, minus Ben's higher thought processes. "Ben, we ain't got no fucking chocolate! Understand?!"

Ben is trying to be reasonable, but Joe is not cooperating. He turns, finally, to Joe and asks as clearly as he can, "Joe, please, can I have two chocolate daquiris, one for me and one for her?"

Ben is finally relieved to have the remains of Ben's attention and looks him in the eye and says, "Joe, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?"

"What? Shit. Sure. V-A-N."

"Good. Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?"

Big sigh. "S-T-R-A-W."

"Great, Ben. Can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?"

"What?! I'm just trying to get a drink here! There ain't no FUCK in chocolate!"

"That, you idiot, is what I'm trying to tell you. There AIN'T NO FUCKIN' CHOCOLATE!"

Airplane Mechanics
 

Thunder Bay works well as a destination - given the mode of transportation

The late Irish-English comedian Spike Milligan (his gravestone bears the epitaph 'I told them I was ill!') was renowned for his silly verses - reminded me of one that started:

Maverick Prowles
Had rumbling bowels
That thundered in the night...

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoo's all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."