I am to please... :p

Evolution :headshake

Well, if I was going to loot, I'd certainly try to loot something I don't get everyday.
Betcha they're aren't any cigs around though--all wet! :(

:lol2:

The Kooks of Hazzard

Translation from the English:
Box = TV (that thing in the corner of the room that you watch most nights and that shows you continuous adverts which are spoiled by the interruptions of programmes and sport )
Last night = yesterday evening (the longish bit that happens when the sun goes down at the end of each day - it's normally very dark)
walked = moved step by step using feet (the two flat sticking-out things at the bottom of the legs)
past = the past of pass (meaning to overtake - not some gulch where the indians wait in ambush)
loaf of bread = the economy size version of the stuff that you use to make sandwiches (the outside part that stops the inside part falling out and making you messy), toast, and bread and butter pudding (an English dessert delicacy)
your name = (hopefully) what your parents used to call you by to distinguish you from your brother/sister (or if an only child something better than 'oi you')
went back= (in this context) returned to have another look
thick cut = a particular size of one slice of bread in a wrapped loaf (see above) that has been cut laterally into a number of individual handy-sized portions - the 'thick cut' is the widest type of slice (ideal for toasting), the other variants being 'thin sliced' (the narrowest, when you don't want to eat much) and 'medium sliced' (the middle size/width and the most comonly used for making sandwiches)

The joke comes from the fact that the person relating the story has mistaken the words 'thick cut' when he/she first sees them on passing by and written on a loaf of bread as reading thick 'see you next Tuesday' (a pleasant way of saying a very rude word I would rather not write as children may be present - by the way if you didn't know that 'see you next Tuesday' meant that extremely naughty four-letter word, then someone has probably been ribbing you for years - and you thought they'd gotten their days mixed up! Well, silly you!!).

On returning to review what he/she thought he/she had seen the story teller realises his/her mistake and that the words were in fact 'thick cut' the type of loaf it was, and not the name (very naught word) that he/she has heard you are called (oh, bollocks, all right then, the word's 'cunt').

So in this last context
Thick= unintelligent, not quick on the uptake, a biscuit short of a packet,
Cu*t = a part of the female anatomy used both in conception and birth, which reminds me:

Girl goes to doctors complaining of stomach pains and sickness.
'I 'm pleased to tell you that you're pregnant' he says after examining her.
'Oh, I wasn't prepared for that - how exactly will I have the baby?'
'Well. my dear it will be much the same way as you conceived it'
'What, you mean in the back of the station wagon with my legs hanging out of the windows?'

There, I bet you're in hysterics now!

Thanks, but I could have done without the "translation" :rolleyes:

Just an explaination would have sufficed, but I understand now.
:smack:

see you next tuesday? its much easier to just say cunt. as much as people dont like the word, thats what it is. and from the "how old is everyone" thread, everyone is at a mature age to not go running around a public area saying "cunt! cunt! cunt!....".

its just a word.

You mean every Friday before Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends my coworkers have been talking dirty?
Who'da thunk it. :eek2:

have any of you heard the 'procrastination joke' ?

maybe i'll tell it tomorrow or something.

now I know what they meant when they said " he didn't make the cut".....

Yes, but did you get the joke? :D

it sounded very funny. i got it in my own little way ;)

No, it's not. Not that one. In 2005, "fuck" is now "just a word."

That other one retains it's power.

Do you know what George Bush's opinion is on Roe v. Wade?

He doesn't really care how people got out of New Orleans.

cunt is just the new word for "mole" in aus

Did that guy on Popeye ( his name was wimpie or something) want to trade cunt for hamburgers? Just a thought........

What mole told you that?

[austin powers]mol-e mol-e mol-e[/austin powers] Hmm. Lacks a certain, I dunno. Doesn't work for me. Sorry. Carry on.

The only person that can determine if a word is offensive is the person being talked about or to. :eyebrow:

Indubitably.

Aint that tha truth Bruce.........

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a motel, or a taxicab in the United States.

Another Bush baby:

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!!"

*********************************

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

hahahalloweeen!
 

Vampires in a Bar
It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.

At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."

"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.

"Thanks," he says, and leaves.

An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.

An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."

"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"

"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."

"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"

Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.

"Tea time."

:lol:

Are you talking out of your arse??? Bad idea!!!
 

From the Sunday Times last Sunday (finally got round to reading it), so two for the price of one:

Hiding place of the week
Police have arrested a woman after dialling the number of a stolen cell phone and hearing muffled ringing from her bottom. Officers in Iasi, Romania, stopped the 24-year-old thief as she got off a bus after passengers accused her of taking the phone. On calling the number, police heard ringing from beneath her dress. A strip search at the station revealed the phone's unlikely hiding place. 'We've had people hiding things in their bras and knickers before, but this was a new one', said a police spokesman. 'The station doctor extracted the phone, and we sprayed it with disinfectant before giving it back!'

Bad idea of the week
A man has been charged with attempted murder after tossing a plastic bottle, filled with gunpowder, at a car carrying his former girlfriend. Unfortunately for the 45-year-old attacker, the bottle bounced off the car, landed at his feet and ignited. He was taken to hospital in Durham, North Carolina, after his clothes caught fire.

I have read through this all before... and I can't remember if this has been posted or not. My apologies if it has.


Three men are drinking in a bar. They start talking to each other because all three of them have black-eyes. They ask each other how they got their black-eyes.

The first man says "I just don't know what is wrong with me! Everytime I try and say something it comes out wrong. Like today, I went to the bank for change for a dollar. The teller was really hot and she was wearing a very revealing top. I could see everything! Well, what I ment to say was 'could I have nickles and dimes for this dollar?' and what came out was 'could I have nipples and dimes for this dollar?' so she punched me."

The second man says "That happened to me too! I went to the airport today because I was going on a business trip. The lady at the counter was really hot too, huge breasts and all. So I ment to say 'Could I have two tickets to Pittsburg?' but what came out was 'Could I have two pickets to Tittsburg?' and she punched me."

The third man says "This must be a man thing, because the same thing happend to me! At breakfast this morning my wife punched me when I was going to ask her 'honey, could you please pass the toast?' but what came out was 'Bitch!!! You ruined my whole life!!!' " :eek:

;)

ouch

Stop, drop, and roll.

Dear Husband:



I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show

for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell

me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last

week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and

nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new

negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to

sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,

you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't

love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.



P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving

away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife



Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that

you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a

far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown

out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when

you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to

mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say

anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite

meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I

stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had

on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed

that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty

dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of

this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I

discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my

job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were

gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the

filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that

you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.



P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born

Carla. I hope that's not a problem.



Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you,
Mr. American, for letting me in this country!"

But the passerby says, "You are mistaken. I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says, "I no American. I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees, he stops, shakes
his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not an
American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

So he is puzzled and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work."

Moral Dilemma (adaptable)
 

This thread is so long I must admit to have failed to check back to see if this has been entered already. Even so it may have been missed by quite a few. I think I have seen similar but it still made me smile...

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, fictional situation in which you will
have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be
honest, and spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due
consideration to each line.
-------------------------

THE SITUATION
You are in New Orleans, There is chaos all around you caused by a
hurricane with severe flooding. You are photo journalist working for
a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic
disaster.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, and disappearing under the water.
===============================================

THE TEST
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow
the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's the
President, George W.Bush. At the same time you notice that the
raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two
options- you can save the life of the President, or you can shoot a
dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting thedeath of one of
the world's most famous men.
===============================================

THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....... Would
you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?

Oh bugger, tits and bums...!

That's a scar-eyed dolphin!

Now Don't start THAT again !!!!
Clearly its a shark , see-m-gills , see-at-fin , see-em-teef !!!!!

It's an easy mistake to make - sharks are scarey so when you have seen one you've been scareyed , so they're really scareyed sharks, not scar-eyed sharks...

When you're in the water with them, they're ALL sharks, until they helpfully carry you to the boat and then retreat like Flipper. Until then....:eek:

Unless they're the missing Secret Government Killer Dolphins. :eek:

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Equal Opportunity Offender
 

TEN TRUTHS WHITE, BLACK, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Hickies are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Cars are not meant to touch the ground.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. Ten people to a car is considered too many.
8. You're in America, you speak our language.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.


TEN TRUTHS BLACK, HISPANIC, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. NSYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional spanking helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.



TEN TRUTHS WHITE, HISPANIC, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Ranch is a salad dressing, not a side dish.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.


TEN TRUTHS WHITE, HISPANIC, AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT ASIAN PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. You cant drive.
2. Disneyland is not the happiest place on earth.
3. The peace sign is outdated.
4. Rice is not a main course.
5. Taking pictures is fun, taking pictures of strangers is just weird.
6. Feet were meant to grow.
7. You need girls just as much as you need boys.
8. Dogs were meant to be pets, not eaten.
9. You dont need above a 4.0 to graduate.
10. Fanny packs are not an accessory.

Ten truths...very funny. Equal opportunity funny, my favorite kind. I must be a mutt, because I think I have a hard time admitting some of the the truths in all four categories.

It seems to me that the first number four could apply across the board.

A blond goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor," she says, "I haven't had sex for ages, but I have orgasms every night. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Hmm. Well, obviously you're coming unscrewed!"

Wolf: "How long have you thought you were a dog?"
Patient: "Ever since I was a puppy."

later...

Wolf: "You used to think you were a dog, but now you're cured?"
Patient: "Sure. Feel my nose."

A young blonde woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.

The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage,now we'll have to work on your hearing."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a young and very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch. She knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the paper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay, and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. One day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house he found the ranchers widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse, and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now, take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

Zzzzzziiiiiiing!

You got me on that one. I did not see that coming. Very funny!

A gal from NYC moved to Seattle and wound up as next door neighbor to the family V.
The movers unloaded her furniture in a light rain and she surveyed her new surroundings withmixed pleasure.
"Well the weather will be good for my complexion" she thought.

The next morning she awoke and took a stroll around the block, taking in her new home, after a while she was pretty wet from the steady drizzle and she returned home to unpack and have a nice cup of soup.

The next day she went outside and saw LittleV playing trucks in the rain in his driveway,
"Hey kid." she asked "does it ever stop raining around here?"

LittleV looks up and says "How the hell should I know? I'm only six years old."

rimshot

LOL!!!!!

Actually, SonofV would say "How the BEEP should I know? I'm only six years old." and really say "beep". He's very aware of what he can say and not say, and edits himself verbally in this way. Cracks me up.

That's funny. Where'd he pick that up? And will he paste a "parental warning" sticker on himself someday?

Excellent!!

I don't get it

I'd save the film and use my digital camera!

mr ducks
mr not ducks
osar
cdbdis
whale oil beef hooked
mr ducks

The rallist version:
Heaven is where the rallymaster is British,
the checkpoint workers Swiss,
the hospitality done by the French,
the service crews German,
and the local law enforcement Italians.
-
Hell is where the rallymaster is German,
the checkpoint workers Italian,
the hospitality done by the British,
the service crews French,
and the local law enforcement Swiss.

?? is there more to this?